Blogs

By Benjamin Wachs

There’s so much government happening this week that it can be seen from space. Seriously: check it out on Google Earth. That thing you thought was a hole in the ozone layer? That’s government.

Is it … laughing at us?

Must be my imagination. Anyway …

You can learn a lot from looking carefully at big things. This week’s massive set of meetings, for example, demonstrates a very important lesson: it’s harder for a good idea to get passed by the Board of Supervisors than a bad one.

Think I’m kidding? Read on.

Monday, May 12

10 a.m. – Government Audit & Oversight Committee

The week starts on a high note with the best … news … ever … for reporters. City Hall’s getting a café. This will make it SO much easier to sneak food into government meetings. This is also the best … news … ever for the Mayor’s Press Office, since they’ll now presumably have a way to give reporters food poisoning (I know you hate me, David Miree).

According to an agreement to be voted on at this meeting, Juma Ventures … the same people who provide ice cream and coffee during Giants and 49ers games … will be renting out 2400 square feet of primo city hall space on the ground floor (the “North Light Court” for those of you who have been there) to operate a café that will “deliver fresh, nutritious, wholesome foods for breakfast, lunch and a full coffee and tea bar to City Hall.” No liquor license is mentioned, so apparently it will remain difficult as ever to sneak booze into government meetings (damn you, city hall’s crack security staff!)

Here’s the kicker: Juma will get to do this while paying only $200 per month in rent.

Yah - $200 a month for 2400 square feet in San Francisco: dreams really do come true.

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By Benjamin Wachs

Monday, May 5, 10 a.m. – Government Audit & Oversight Committee

Every once in a while you come across a meeting so packed with government that you think “It would take a crowbar to wedge one more relevant item in here!” Then you realize it could happen because there’s a crowbar appropriations bill right there on the agenda.

This is one of those meetings.

First let’s start with the big numbers. Did you know it’s expensive to renovate an airport?

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By Benjamin Wachs

Monday, April 28

10 a.m. – public Safety Committee

Ross Mirkarimi’s three-ring circle of justice continues as the Public Safety committee grills the city’s top law enforcement officials about why the city’s so damn dangerous. The fact that SOMEBODY’S actually taking city agencies to task for performance kind of warms my heart.

1 p.m. – Land Use & Economic Development Committee

I admit I was thrown when I first saw that this committee would be authorizing “four new full-service restaurant uses” in the Haight.

Seriously? Because, like a chump, I’ve only ever used them for eating. What else could there be?

Of course, that’s just “zoning” talk for “we will allow four more restaurants” in the Haight Street Neighborhood Commercial District.

Doing so, according to the legislation, would allow the city to “respond to increased demand for restaurant services.”

Anybody know how they measure that? I’m not objecting to new restaurants, I’m just wondering: how many people actually pull Ross Mirkarimi or Tom Ammiano aside and say “Dude – I NEED more restaurants in the Haight. In fact, I demand it.” Or is there some kind of survey that I didn’t get?

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By Benjamin Wachs

Monday, April 21, 2008

10 a.m. - Government Audit & Oversight Committee

Many of the things the Supes vote on are easy to understand but dull, like “Let’s revamp the permitting process for outdoor table seating!” Many other things they vote on are easy to understand but dumb, like “This week is Sea Otters Week!” or “Let’s condemn America’s mortgage industry! That’ll show ‘em!”

But there are two kinds of things-they-vote-on that really make me wonder: does anyone understand this?

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By Benjamin Wachs

There is so much government happening this week that you’ll want to pace yourself. Take it slowly. Breathe deeply. Proper hydration is crucial: if you start to feel light headed, go get a drink of water. The government will be there when you get back. Probably passing a motion to eliminate drinking fountains.

Monday, April 14, 1 p.m. – Land Use & Economic Development Committee

Never say that the Land Use & Economic Development Committee doesn’t have an artistic side. They LOVE art – they just want it to be properly zoned. Is that so much to ask?

There’s going to be a lot of culture clash today. Perhaps not understanding that if there’s one group of people in the world not fully capable of grasping zoning laws it’s artists, the meeting starts off with a bang and a mime as the Supes designate “street artist winter holiday spaces.”

They will likely reauthorize the “temporary” spaces the Supes have allotted to artists for the last 12 years, which is fine. But there’s definitly a whiff of tragedy surrounding this resolution:

“A survey by the Arts commission found that in recent years more street artist spaces in the Downtown area have been eliminated due to construction, curb zone changes, newsracks, planter boxes, etc..;”

I can not imagine the scene: “Sorry sir,” the police officer tells the electric violinist, or the mime dressed as a robot, or the elderly guy doing the James Brown imitation, “you can’t perform here: we need this space for a news rack. Also, we’re installing a planter box over there, so, move along.”

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By Benjamin Wachs

Monday, April 7, 10 a.m. – Government Audit & Oversight Committee

Okay, it’s not “Kill Bill” or “Let’s Rob Mick Jagger,” but, “Eradicate the invasive Light Brown Apple Moth” is definitely the best title for a public hearing I’ve ever heard.

Last week San Francisco government was all abuzz about saving Tibet. This week, it’s the Light Brown Apple Moth. I’m not sure if this means we care THAT MUCH or if our attention span’s THAT SMALL. Because, and please correct me if I’m wrong here, but … Tibet hasn’t been freed yet, right?

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By Benjamin Wachs

There’s a whole lot of government happening this week, kids. I know that terms like “special use district” make you turn to the numbing solace of animals on YouTube, but hey, that’s what the officials you elected care about (except for the urban hipsters among you – we both know you didn’t vote). So here’s my proposal: SF Government InAction is now a drinking game: any time a zoning term comes up, do a shot.

You might as well: that’s what I do writing it.

Fasten your seat belts and pass the bottle, because it’s a good week for a hangover.

Monday, March 31, 1 p.m. – Land Use & Economic Development Committee

Here’s probably the only funny story about zoning you’ll ever hear. A few months ago, Supervisor Gerardo Sandoval proposed banning new “Head Shops” in the Excelsior. He said this would be legal because the city already restricts new liquor stores there. But, as it turns out, the liquor store regulation he was talking about was one of his own proposals that still hadn’t gotten out of committee yet.

I’m calling this “Quantum Zoning Causality” – where future zoning is used to justify present zoning, which is then used to justify the zoning of the future. It’s brilliant: you can’t protest new zoning, because it’s ALREADY BEEN ZONED – you just don’t know it yet.

String theorists might want to take note: both measures justifying each other are on the agenda of the Land Use committee this week. If they collide at high speeds, we might be able to see the way the universe was first zoned just milliseconds after the Big Bang.

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By Benjamin Wachs

Monday, March 24

10 a.m. – Public Safety Committee

What does the City Government have in common with “The Price Is Right?” Well, they’re both televised; and they’re both sponsored by major corporations – but most of all, they follow the same format. Every episode they present another set of bizarre items no one can be without, and you wonder: “How much should that cost, really?”

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By Benjamin Wachs

Monday, March 17

10 a.m. – Government Audit and Oversight Committee

The strange thing about the nuts and bolts of government is that they’re not nutty. They’re not even bolty. Most of this meeting is spent on the quiet, required work of government that nobody ever thanks them for but that everybody would complain if they didn’t do. For example: establishing a procedure for evaluating SFMTA decisions under the new Prop A rules …

… you’re already asleep, aren’t you. Okay, never mind. Here’s some eye candy:

• A proposal for 38 million in “mortgage revenue bonds” for a 150 unit affordable housing complex for low-income seniors.
• A public hearing on the Employer Spending Requirement of the San Francisco universal health care plan. That, for people who weren’t paying attention, is the controversial bit. The hearing is sponsored by Tom Ammiano, the father of SF universal health care (however much credit the mayor tries to steal).

Civic bonds, senior housing, employer spending mandates, universal health care and a thieving mayor? I can’t give you any more eye candy without centerfolds.

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By Benjamin Wachs

Read what’s happening this week in SF government and tell me if you reach the same conclusion I did: We MUST be able to find robots that can do this for us. There’s just no need for human supervisors: combine an algorithm to search for improvements in municipal code with one of those robot dogs that rolls over to have its belly scratched, and then make it a littttttle self-righteous, and you’ve got San Francisco government at a fraction of the cost.

At least, that was my conclusion. You decide.

Monday, March 3:

10 a.m. – Government Audit & Oversight Committee

This meeting has just one purpose — to repeal the entire San Francisco traffic code and replace it with something new.

Wow. That sure sounds important.

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By Benjamin Wachs

Monday, Feb. 25

10 a.m. – Public Safety Committee

In addition to examining why there are so many homicides and what we’re doing about it, today’s Public Safety Committee hearing will ask: where have all the flowers gone?

1 p.m. – Land Use & Economic Development Committee

Lots of important stuff on the agenda today, including two omnibus rezoning measures, for parts of Market Street, that I’m convinced no one has ever read. This has been on various committees’ agendas for so long that I’m starting to think no one ever will, either.

But you can expect lots of people to read Chris Daly’s new proposal that people who want to sell rental properties need to inform their tenants of their rights, in writing, before the property gets sold – and that people who buy rental properties need to give their tenants a written notification of all their rights after it’s sold, too.

That’s a lot of paperwork. I was going to make a joke about how at least Daly didn’t specify what font the notices need to be written in, but, in fact, it’s at least 12 points and bold type.

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By Benjamin Wachs

Monday, Feb. 18 – Presidents Day.

Today the Supervisors take the day off to dream of what it would be like if they were president. Some of them are already fundraising for 2040.

Tuesday , Feb. 19 – No meetings scheduled.

Our presidents are so great, they deserve a second day of government rest.

Wednesday, Feb. 20 , 1 p.m. – Budget and Finance Commitee

This week the Budget Committee is hanging out at a North Beach bar, decked to the nines and buying expensive drinks, hoping that some hottie will come over and say “Hey big spender!”

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By Benjamin Wachs

It’s a busy, schitzo week at City Hall: city government will spend half the meetings trying to get things done, and the other half trying to gnaw its own leg off. It’s what they’re good at.

Monday, Feb. 11
10 a.m - Public Safety Committee

Man, I used to care about this committee so much. Where did the magic go?

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By Benjamin Wachs
Monday, February 4:
10 a.m. – Government Audit and Oversight Committee
Okay, this is interesting. For months, Michela Alioto-Pier has been working on a fee increase for taxi drivers that hasn’t been getting anywhere. Today this committee has two such bills - which as far as I can tell are identical – except that one of them has Alioto-Pier’s name on it, and the other has Board President Aaron Peskin’s.

Is this a bureaucratic snafu? A hostile legislative takeover? A clerk’s mistake? Peskin’s way of saying “fuck you” to a colleague he’s never really liked?

I guess we’ll find out when one of them clears committee.

Also interesting is the fact that the justification for the fee increase has now changed three times. First it was to provide drivers with health insurance; then it was to help cab companies keep up with increasing expenses; and now most of it is a surcharge for “clean air vehicles.”

If at first you don’t succeed …

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By Benjamin Wachs

There are only two interesting meetings this week, and one of them’s a doozy. So instead of presenting the week’s government agendas in order, I’m going to break with tradition and go straight to the good stuff.

Wednesday, January 16, 1 p.m. – Budget and Finance committee

Remember how much Halloween sucked? Well, Supervisor Bevan Dufty is apprantly feeling contrite, because he and Supervisor Michela Alioto-Pier are proposing to create the “Mayor’s Office of Special Events” to “attract, create and promote special events” – including big events with no private sponsors, like Halloween.

So, to be clear, stuff that the public already did for free is now going to be done by a whole new office of government.

In addition to Halloween, the legislation specifically mentions New Year’s Eve (Because we’ve all wondered, “How can the government make my New Year’s rock even harder?”) and maintaining the city’s “master calendar” of special events “to ensure optimal distribution of events throughout the year and across neighborhoods.”

Great! Because the fact that Hanukah is practically right on top of Christmas has been bugging me for years. Finally a government agency to do something about it!

The Office of Special Events … excuse me, the “Mayor’s Office of Special Events” … will also simultaneously “promote the responsible conduct and operation of … events and establishments” and “promote the development of a vibrant entertainment and late-night entertainment industry within the City.” Since everybody wants to stay up late at night partying responsibly, I’m sure that will work out great.

And, of course it will “foster harm reduction policies, including but not limited to reduction of risks from substance use, hearing protection, heat exhaustion, and relevant health and safety measures.” Oh, Christ, why don’t we just let the tourists run things and get it over with now?

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