San Francisco News Blog

Monday, Nov. 16, 2 p.m. - Public Safety Committee

It's an exciting time to be on the Public Safety Committee. Swine flu is rampant, there's a new top cop in town, and SOMEBODY needs to decide if Hugues de La Plaza was: (a) the victim of a grisly murder, or; (b) a committed neat freak to the very end.

The committee will be touching on several of these issues today, in the form of its regularly scheduled crime-n-stuff hearing, as well as approving grants for things like a swine flu "information and guidance team" -- to make sure that, when the swine flu arrives, it will know where all the best hotels are.

But none of this really touches on the greatest threat to public safety in San Francisco: chupacabra, the blood-sucking goat demon of Mexico.

I'm worried about the supes. Are they feeling all right? Are they eating enough protein? Are they celebrating legal weed a little too early?

I'm concerned because there's a federal holiday -- Veteran's Day -- right in the middle of the week, and it's the only day the supervisors are taking off. Not the day after, not the day before, not most of the week. Just the one holiday.

Does that sound like them?

No. No it does not. It sounds like something a governing body in a responsible city would do. Have I moved to Minnesota without knowing it?

Nah, that can't be right. It would be snowing in Minnesota, and bicyclists would be polite. They'd see their choice of transportation as purely a choice of transportation, rather than a symbol of moral superiority. That would never happen here.

Well all right then. Good work, Board of Supervisors (assuming this isn't Madison, Wisconsin). Keep it up.

Of course, there's still only four meetings this week, so don't gloat too much.

Monday, Nov. 9

10:30 a.m. - City Operations & Neighborhood Services Committee

 
This committee is only doing four things this week, and half of them involve liquor licenses. That seems like cheating to me, somehow.

The news at the end of October was devastating for San Francisco: Trauma and Gavin Newsom for Governor were canceled in the same week.

It's heartbreaking: Both were expensive pilots with such promising premises.

In Trauma, a group of troubled but devil-may-care emergency medical technicians raced through San Francisco saving people from giant fireballs and learning to trust in each others' sex appeal.

In Gavin Newsom for Governor, a devil-may-care San Francisco mayor deeply concerned about the future of California's beverage industry ran for the state's highest office, trying to win the election by focusing the public's attention on how good he looks in a parade.

Where did we go wrong? The public loves sexy giant fireballs and troubled politicians who say things like "Hope!" and "Friend me on Facebook!"

The shows even had crossovers! Jennifer Siebel-Newsom, a regular cast member in Gavin Newsom for Governor actually appeared in the first episode of Trauma! It was brilliant! And Gavin Newsom for Governor's male lead had a baby, for God's sake: What more do you people want?

Both programs went over so well with test audiences. How did they fail?

Anyone who covers politics or television in Say Francisco is contractually obligated to develop a theory about this, so:

The moral high ground in San Francisco may be the most valuable real estate of all. Last week Gavin Newsom -- who thumbed his nose at state and federal law on gay marriage -- tried to claim it by saying he couldn't help illegal immigrants because he has too much respect for the law.

The Board of Supervisors also tried to claim the moral high ground by saying that Gavin Newsom -- whom they supported when he thumbed his nose at state and federal law on gay marriage -- has to help immigrants because the city passed a law, damn it, and you must obey the law.

In politics, even the most righteous causes make hypocrites of their crusaders.

It would be hard to top the righteous histrionics of last week, but everyone's going to try: between another round in the argument over how to regulate nightlife, a measure to ban the declawing of cats, reforming lobbying rules, Clean Power SF -- it looks like the supes are going to take the moral high ground and convert the buildings on it into condos so that more of their friends can live there.

By the end of the week, they'll have formed a neighborhood association to keep everyone else out. It's like a Greek tragedy sponsored by ReMax.

I've had a really busy few weeks, and I haven't been able to catch up on any of the new fall shows yet. So I tried to cram a lot of television in this weekend while writing SF Gov InAction.

Just so you know.

Monday, Oct. 19,

10 a.m. - Public Safety Committee

Somebody has to say it: the Public Safety Committee we have in San Francisco isn't nearly as good looking as the one they have in CSI Miami.

Can we get them re-cast? I wouldn't mind if the supervisors stay around and occasionally make guest appearances, but, we clearly need a Public Safety Committee that's more comfortable taking its shirt off.

Also, I don't think David Chiu is packing heat.

While we're working on that, the committee will go through its usual update on what-our-criminals-are-doing-now, and there will be a hearing jointly sponsored by Chiu and Michela Alioto-Pier on changes to state support for domestic violence shelters.

Hey, hypothetical question: if Michela Alioto-Pier's husband were to be caught in the middle of a major political scandal, do you think she'd stay by his side and then return to work at her old law firm (or whatever it is she did)? Or would she have him killed?

Discuss.

I know SF Gov InAction is late this week, but I have a good excuse: Like the Board Supervisors, I took Columbus Day off. And the day after Columbus Day.

I know this seems excessive, but think about it: If we don't take extra time off for Columbus Day, how will we discover new continents?

Rumor around city hall is that Bevan "The Navigator" Dufty actually did find one on Tuesday, at around 7 p.m., but that the New World is stuck in committee and won't get looked at until after the election. It's already been completely tagged with graffiti, though.

Funny how history repeats itself.

Once again, it's a very slow week for meetings. I would like to suggest that if we replace the supervisors with day laborers, we might get a better value for our money. Someone write up a ballot initiative.

Wednesday, Oct. 14, 11 a.m. - Budget and Finance Committee

Monday, Oct. 5

10 a.m. - Public Safety Committee

On the whole, people are in favor of "Public Safety," so most of the time the Public Safety Committee is pretty uncontroversial. The chairman arches his eyebrows and asks the Mayor's Office of Criminal Justice "Why aren't you making us safer?" and nobody ever thinks "Hey, that's a really unfair question, you oppressive bastard!"

Not today.

Today, a full two-thirds of the agenda (okay, two items out of three) are likely to lead to angry editorials and snarky comment sections in which people named "TouchMyMonkey!" and "Brian687" tell each other that they suck.

The uncontroversial item is a resolution authorizing the Department of Public Health to continue to receive HIV prevention funding from the Centers for Disease Control.

See what I mean? Anybody got a problem with that?

YaddaYaddaYadda says:

YOU have the AIDS!

BurgerBoyToy says:

San Francisco public schools suck!

Yeah, well, those guys, sure. But if they think that was controversial ...

As Snitch readers know, the supes have decided to cancel their regular Tuesday meeting in order to celebrate the Jewish holiday of the day-after-Yom Kippur -- a "holiday" which Jews don't actually celebrate.

It gets worse: It turns out that the supes have, in fact, decided to cancel their entire week of meetings in order to honor a non-existent Jewish holiday. That's right: there are no meetings this week.

It seems that the Supervisors love the Jews so much that they'd do anything for them, except work.

But, deep down, is it really about the Jews? I hate to suggest that David Chiu is anything but sincere in this matter, but, one wonders: Did he ever take a week off for the day-after-Yom Kippur before he started getting paid by the public?

In fact, the supes have a long tradition of canceling a week's worth of meetings on account of one-day holidays. For them, Labor Day, Memorial Day, day-after-Yom Kippur, and Christmas are all basically interchangeable. The real problem here isn't that they finally, inevitably, canceled meetings on account of a fake holiday. It's that they take such a casual attitude towards canceling meetings at all. 

Monday, Sept. 21

11 a.m. - Public Safety Committee

Eight supervisors -- the magic number -- have sponsored a bill allowing the police chief to select any qualified law enforcement official, from in or out of the department, for senior non-civil service position in the San Francisco Police Department.

It hits Public Safety Committee today, and since all three members of the Public Safety Committee (Mirkarimi, Alioto-Pier, and Chiu) are co-sponsors of the bill, one expects it to sail through committee like a ... like a ... well, I don't actually know any "sailing" metaphors. But like a thing that sails, on a day that is ideal for sailing, in a place that offers optimum sailing conditions.

Like that.

I have to say I'm extremely impressed with the unexpected turns the famously insular SFPD is taking. Conventional wisdom was that there was no way in hell the new chief would be from outside the SFPD -- but the new chief is from outside the SFPD. Conventional wisdom said that there was no way the new chief would be able to choose his own top aides -- yet now that seems inevitable. And Chief George Gascon's proposal to clear the civilian oversight board's decks of a massive backlog of cases by distinguishing those that can get a slap-on-the-wrist from those where termination is warranted strikes me as as good a compromise as one is likely to find in an imperfect world.

Sometimes the world conspires to impress you. Ladies and gentlemen, please keep up the good work.

Also on the agenda for today is the usual "let's look at citywide crime levels," now sponsored by the committee's new chair, David Chiu. Needless to say, if it's sponsored by David Chiu, it's going to be extra special. Maybe there will even be a special guest! I hear Paula Abdul is free.

Here is the exact moment when covering San Francisco government goes from sad to pathetic: It's when you come home after a nice vacation, dust off your lap-top to catch up on what you've missed, and realize that San Francisco has no idea how many working fire engines it has.

I'm pretty sure that if we were a real city, with a functioning government, this kind of thing wouldn't happen.

I would, in fact, like to use this as a defense against all those who claim that my coverage of San Francisco government is too harsh, too cynical, and too mean: We don't know how many reserve fire engines we have.

Or when our rec centers are supposed to be open.

Or how much city cash our mayor spends on his security detail.

Or how many cash transactions at the Marina Yacht Club Harbor went unreported because it didn't have a system for recording them.

Yes, we are progressive and far-sighted. Yes, we would like to pass legislation leading to a sustainable global economy, whereas small towns in the Midwest would like to build more subdivisions.

On the other hand, small towns in the Midwest know how many functioning reserve fire engines they have.

How do we manage to keep thinking we're ahead of the rest of the country? It boggles the mind.

On that note, here's the rest of this week's government meetings, filled with good intentions, signifying nothing.


Monday, Sept. 14, 10:30 a.m. - City Operations & Neighborhood Services Committee

There are just three items on the agenda. Three, incidentally, is a "magic number" in many cultures. So I'm sure these measures will all be very special. They may even have religious significance. If it helps, you can think of them as the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.

With a federal holiday appears on the calendar, city hall's motto becomes: "Ask not what your country can do for you, but how much time off you can take from your country".

In this particular case, The supervisors like to celebrate Labor Day by pretending to have labored, while their staff likes to celebrate Labor Day by pretending to rest. (The one exception to this rule is Michela Alioto-Pier and her staff, who celebrate Labor Day by going into labor). The result for both is a three week "vacation" during which government grinds to a halt but politics never stops. It is absolutely the worst of all worlds, provided you don't live in Los Angeles.

SF Government InAction is never more aptly named, or more pointless, than when the supes are in recess -- so I'll be in recess the next two weeks as well (in fact, the Government Audit & Oversight Committee and I will be sharing a camp at Burning Man: "Accountability Camp."). But I thought that this week, while all's quiet on the western front, would be a good time to review the new Board of Supervisors, take stock of what they've accomplished after eight months, and see where we are now.

This will take less time than you think.

The first thing worth noting is that San Franciscans seem to have little buyer's remorse.

Monday, Aug 17

11 a.m. - Public Safety Committee

A lot's happened to the Public Safety Committee since the last time I wrote about it -- and there's one thing I just don't understand.

Ross Mirkarimi used to be the chair of the Public Safety Committee, and he was exceptional at pulling the many tangled threads of San Francisco's attempts to keep its citizens safe from crime (the better to lecture us about not smoking) into an organized weave. City crime mattered to him both as a humanitarian and as a politician: His district includes parts of the Western Addition.

But then he was replaced as Public Safety chairman by David Campos, a freshman legislator. The justification for this was that Campos, who had previously been a member of the city's Police Commission, has a lot of experience dealing with public safety agencies in San Francisco.

This is true -- although in my experience the only people who actually listen to the Police Commission are people who want to be on the Police Commission, because they want to impress the mayor and subsequently be given a $167,000-a-year job whose sole qualification is "Be extremely concerned about the world's ills."

So Campos replaces Mirkarimi. Got it?

But now, Board President David Chiu has shuffled the city committee deck and replaced David Campos with ... David Chiu.

Say what?

What an exciting week! Your Host Gaaaaaaavin Newson! will be giving away big money prizes! And how much would you pay for this PUC headquarters? Find out in our Showcase Showdown!

That's not actually a joke.

In fact, there is an awful lot of government happening this week, squeezing big money into small meetings. It's been a while since we've seen small meetings this packed with concentrated government goodness -- the kind of meetings that are organic, locally grown, and pesticide free. They're practically swimming in antioxidants. Why I've only just read the agenda, and I feel healthier already. And broke.

Monday, Aug. 10,

10:30 a.m. - City Operations and Neighborhood Services Committee

Health, in fact, is one of the big themes of this meeting. Michela Alioto-Pier has a hearing called to

1. Discuss cuts to the California Healthy Families Program, 2. "evaluate the City's commitment to universal healthcare for children and youth, and" ... 3. "identify solutions that guarantee every child access to health insurance."

So once again, she's putting forward the kind of busywork that everyone can get behind.

Hey, I'm going to go out on a limb here: Does it strike anyone else that Alioto-Pier's constant defense of children masks a seething hatred of adults? Because, if you look at her legislative record, you could make a case that if you're not an expectant mommy or a baby, she wants you dead.

I'm just wondering.

There are only three meetings left standing this week: By contrast, four meetings were supposed to happen, but canceled. Is it just me, or are city hall meetings increasingly resembling network programming?

"Well, we would LIKE to have a City Operations and Neighborhood Services Committee meeting, but we don't feel that Neighborhood Services appeal to educated males ages 17 to 34, so we'll just stick with reruns of our old City Operations instead."

I guess that's what you get with a mayor who's made-for-TV.

On an only vaguely related note, why is anybody surprised that Gavin Newsom turned on Eric Jaye? Look at the history: Newsom turns on his friends. That's what he does.

Anyway, let's get on with it.

Monday, July 27, 1 p.m. - Land Use & Economic Development Committee

Chris Daly (D-Suburbia) wants to designate Clipper Cove as a Special Use Area "making it a misdemeanor to moor or anchor a vessel (there) without a valid permit."

Guess Daly's all into yachting and stuff, now that he has his fancy home(s) in suburbia.

Print journalists and bloggers are feuding again.

It's a quiet feud so far -- an incendiary article here, a subtle dig in a blog post there -- but it's real, it's between people I know and respect, and it makes me want to hide under the bed the way I did when the monsters attacked mommy and daddy. At least, I think they were mommy and daddy. This all happened after the nice man with candy lured me into the van . Adolescence is a confusing time when you're tied to a chair.

The point is: How can I choose between them? I spent more years that I care to count -- or can count (math not being a journalist's strong suit) -- as a print reporter, lovingly crafting words that reeked of ink. But today my word drippings fall mostly into the rich limestone cave of cyberspace, and involve so little shoe leather that cows quietly consider me a hero.

I can't choose. I can't do it, do you hear me? You two will just have to get along -- at least in public.

It's not that you have to like each other -- heck, I don't like anybody. Not really.Yes, that means you.

But to fight over the stale "new media v. old media" shibboleth? Reporters v. Bloggers? Come on ... really? Do you really want to be the writers who kicked that horse again because you thought you saw him twitch?

Monday, July 13,

9 a.m. - Rules Committee

The first thing one will notice about this meeting is the massive pile of litigation that the city is hoping to settle out of court: A tower of Legal Babel stretching so high that it is an affront to God's own law firm of Cherubim, Seraphim, & Murdock.

There's nothing new about this. People are always suing the city, and the city often settles out of court -- making the job of City Attorney a cross between Perry Mason and Ed McMahon: "According to my surprise witness, you could already be a winner!"

But usually these cases are dispensed with one or two at a time. Today there are seven, ranging from a proposed $25,000 settlement for the PUC encroaching on a residential property to $312,000 for claims against the city's "Uptown Parking Corporation."

In all, about a $800,000 is being dispensed by the City Attorney's Prize Patrol. Congratulations to all you lucky winners!

Our story so far:

The Supervisors were drinking champagne in City Hall last week after reaching a budget deal that restored an unprecedented amount money to programs that Mayor Gavin "Call me Governor" Newsom cut from San Francisco because he thought it would play well in Fresno.

Par-TAY!

But then Chris "Cassandra" Daly, the Supervisors' progressive Id, ruined the vibe by going to the budget committee and yelling lines from Jerry Maguire at it.

In other cities, people would be surprised by this sort of behavior. In San Francisco, we're just disappointed that he chose a Tom Cruise vehicle. Come on, Daly, where's your support for small, independent cinema?

Sellout.

But that was last week.

This week, everyone's scratching their heads and saying "You know, Daly's got a point: This whole budget deal hinges on the assumption that Gavin Newsom, a man who had an affair with his best friend's wife, will keep his word to six of his political opponents."

Oops.

Do you ever get tired of doing the same thing every week? Me too.

So this week I decided to imagine how SF Gov InAction would look if it were written by five of this city's most ... um ... noteworthy ... pundits.

You say "parody," I say "homage." Either way: Enjoy.

Monday, June 29

11 a.m. - Budget & Finance Committee (as written by TIM REDMOND, San Francisco Bay Guardian Managing Editor)

I was driving back from a trip to wine country last week and noticed that there were a lot fewer cars on the road than usual for this time of year. This is an important improvement: when other people drive, it hurts the environment.

I can understand why other people want to drive. I'm from upstate New York, where my family still lives. They shoot guns, they wave the flag, and they supported the Iraq war even after people in San Francisco, New York City, and Washington D.C. told them not to. We even passed a resolution: To this day, I'm not sure if they've read it.

Monday, June 15:

11 a.m. - Public Safety Committee

I know that the Prop. 8 court decision has passed, but with America still fighting two wars and California teetering on the brink of fiscal Armageddon, plus the Obama administration doing whatever it does -- there are going to be lots more opportunities to get arrested at rallies. Don't worry: You haven't missed your chance. Johannes Mehserle's trial hasn't even started yet.

There are so many opportunities to get arrested at rallies, in fact, that David Campos and Ross Mirkarimi are holding a hearing on the "Police Department's procedures with respect to rallies or other First Amendment activities."

This is good news for those of us who love to sit in traffic while a large group of protestors without a clear purpose attempts to influence events over which we have no control.

I hope you'll forgive me if I keep this week's Gov InAction curt: I told WAY too many David Chiu jokes over the weekend, and now I'm worn out. I've got to remember to pace myself.

However, in case you're wondering, here's how many David Chius it takes to change a light bulb:

• None: Aaron Peskin already changed it.
• One: and he will change it, assuming no one else can agree on a consensus candidate for the job.
• Two: it takes two David Chius to gloat about a major accomplishment like this.
• Three: you need three David Chius, because that's the only way he'll manage to override a mayoral veto and not sit in the dark.
• Four: the light bulb has to know who screwed it.

Monday, June 8, 2009

10:30 - City Operations & Neighborhood Service committee

While other things will happen at this meeting (like three Department of Public Health grants and an agreement wit Caltrans for maintenance on city facilities), the dominant items are yet more hearings on the two remaining entertainment and nightlife proposals made by the mayor and Sophie Maxwell: One tightening up the regulations for one-time event permits and the other tightening up the rules for extended hours permits.

The excitement stops here.

I know ... I know ... that today's the day Gubernatorial Candidate Gavin Newsom releases his budget for San Francisco (a California city he occasionally resides in for campaign purposes). And I know that, when he does, we're all going to die a little.

I know.

But, the action's still not likely to happen this week.The budget will be a big document. People will need time to go through it.

Oh, sure, someone's likely to start shouting about it any second now, but there's going to be some lag time before anybody has anything intelligent to say ... let alone before the Supes develop a counter-strategy. In fact, as a general rule, I'd say you can pretty safely ignore the first six or seven talking heads you hear exploding this week about something they see in the budget.

Whatever happens with the budget in "real time," in "legislative time," the action likely doesn't pick-up until next week.

After THAT, all hell breaks loose.

Just so your expectations are realistic.

Monday, June 1

11 a.m. - Public Safety Committee


This meeting starts with a continuing hearing about the activities of the SFPD's fraud division (Motto: "Would you like to buy this watch? It's a genuine Rolex!").

Most Government offices in America took Monday off to honor those who fell in our nation's defense. For the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, however, Memorial Day is really about honoring what all the other holidays, from Veterans Day to Christmas, are really about honoring: the San Francisco Board of Supervisors.

That's why, whenever there is a holiday -- of any kind, at any time -- they try to take the entire rest of the week off. Because to take any less vacation time would be to dishonor the memory of everything they've done for this city.

So if you think that canceling all their meetings for the week of during a budget crisis is inappropriate, just remember: Chris Daly once chewed out a small business owner for you.

Sean Elsbernd once ate too much shrimp at a fundraiser, and he did it for you.

Monday, May 18

10:30 a.m. - City Operations & Neighborhood Services

The entertainment commission goes marching one by one

Hurrah, hurrah

The entertainment commission goes marching one by one

Hurrah, hurrah

The entertainment commission goes marching one by one

These entertainment resolutions will never be done

And they all go marching down!

Through committee

Where they continue to be debated

Boom boom boom ...

11: a.m. - Public Safety Committee

Supervisor David Campos has called for hearings on the "Public safety impact of budget cuts proposed by various departments."

I'm guessing no one at this hearing will be happy

Well, that's the thing: I thought my mom would know the Snuggie was a gag gift, but she actually thought it was a real gift. So here I'd planned this completely ironic moment, and she was starting to tear up. She actually said "It looks so comfortable, and I get so cold in winter!" Shit! So what could I do? I ...

Oh! Hello! I didn't see you there. It's all right, you're not interrupting anything. I was just explaining how my mother got arrested on her special day. Funny story: Apparently if you just go by her credit card statements, she's working for Al-Qaeda.

Of course, in this economy, they might be the only people hiring. If the unemployment rate jumps another few points, people will probably start chanting "Death to America" because it's a networking opportunity.

But you're not here to listen to stories about my terrorist mom: You're here to collect on my gambling debts.

Or ... for a rundown of this week's meetings. Right. Government. That's happening too.

Listen: I'll tell you what the city supervisors are doing this week, but if you see a Bhutanese guy named "Snake" -- tall, leather jacket, tie with a blood stain on it shaped like Sigmund Freud -- I was never here, okay?

Do it for my mom.

Monday, May 11

10:30 a.m. - City Operations & Neighborhood Services Committee

The first big item on the agenda is a hearing called by Eric Mar to go over the MTA's policies on disability placards: How many are active, how many get confiscated, how many "proof of valid placard" requests are made, and so on.

This is a serious topic, but Mar calls a lot of hearings on serious topics -- and one gets the impression that it's not because he cares about the issues so much as that he can't think of any actual legislation to propose.

Besides, not to put too fine a point on it, but the MTA's a little distracted right now. What I'm saying, disability advocates, is that your cause is righteous -- but don't get your hopes up just yet.

From a numerical standpoint, the Supes are finally getting their act together. At the beginning of the year, we were lucky if they made it through four meetings a week. Now they're hitting six or seven almost every time.

That's the good news. The bad news is that the number of meetings apparently has no relationship to the quality of work done. Perhaps that means what we really need is a "slow legislation" movement in which proposals made of fresh ingredients are allowed to stew in their own juices until they fall right of the bone and into law.

Alternatively, maybe what the Supes really need is a lightning round.

But both options assume that the Supes actually want to pass any legislation -- which might not be true. An awful lot of committees this week are just "holding hearings" on items already passed and things already done. Not that there's anything wrong with that: It's important to look busy while the Titanic sinks. Perhaps 80 years from now, when San Francisco: The Movie does major box office, the part of "Eric Mar" will be a speaking role because an intern in the research department says "Wow, this guy sure held a lot of hearings."

Monday, May 4

11 a.m. - Public Safety Committee

Hey, remember those ID cards the city agreed to give out to circumvent the need for legal resident status to get an ID?

No? Really? It's had no impact on your life at all?

Well the Supes are just positive it's had an impact on something, somewhere. So they'll be holding a hearing on the program. To be fair, there were long lines at city hall to get the IDs. But can you now reserve videos with them? The Supes plan to find out.

1 p.m. - Land Use & Economic Development Committee

First up is a hearing on how to better streamline the regulation of small businesses. This is a lovely idea that keeps coming up every other year, as people complain that -- somehow -- last year's attempt to ease the burdens on small businesses has only made them worse.

Why can't we get this right? Easy: We don't really want to.

Sometimes ... and I want to make it very clear that this is not drug-induced ... I don't think San Francisco is a real city at all. I think that maybe we're a Lego city, populated by Weebles.

It makes as much sense as anything Sophie Maxwell's said lately.

Why would I think this? Well, have you ever seen our parades?

Gavin weebles and wobbles...

In addition, I've noticed that Gavin Newsom weebles and wobbles but won't fall down, and that an earthquake will eventually reduce us to a multi-colored pile of building blocks that our weeble construction crews won't ever be able to rebuild, for two reasons:

• Because they're union and they have a contract clause stating that they don't work in emergencies, and

• Because weebles don't have arms.

It's poor planning on our part, really. But that's typical of the way we do things here in Lego SF. We push projects because they let us use the yellow helicopter attachment that we've been all excited about ever since the cool kids in Europe said "You know what would really be avant-guarde, Inga? A yellow helicopter attachment! That would really piss off the middle class!"

Since then we've been desperate to put it in a major public project, and we yelled about it until our parents spent all their retirement money to get it. Then -- after we pulled it out of the box -- we discover that we can't make the yellow helicopter attachment go without the Motorized Welfare Action Kit, and there's no way we can afford that this year, so now we're stuck with a public park shaped like helicopter. That's infested by voles. With rabies. So we're talking about turning our yellow helicopter attachment into a private golf course and rabid vole farm. The way they've done it in Europe.

Monday, April 20

11 a.m. - Public Safety Committee

Hey, remember that time an outside researcher published a report on how the SFPD could improve performance, and nothing happened?

No, the other time.

No, the other other time.

You're probably thinking about the Police Executive Research Forum's organizational assessment of the SFPD, or Dr. Lorie Fridell's Fair and Impartial Policing report. But you COULD be thinking of the Public Safety Strategies Group's District Station Boundaries Analysis, for all I know.

But I'm talking about the report by the Community Policing Advisory Committee. Duh. Those other reports are -- SO -- 2008, 2007, and 2008 (respectively).

As is the case with most unsolicited advice given to police officers, all of this material has been given the right to remain silent. Until today, when David Campos has called a hearing to find out exactly what the SFPD's plans are for implementing all these ideas.

I'm sure they have a plan for implementing all these ideas. It's just that they've been so busy - what with the Battlestar finale and everything.

Last week's revelation that the city's 311 call center charges MUNI almost $2 every time someone asks them to look up a bus schedule was like blogger crack. Not a single San Francisco political blogger had sex last week because they were all too busy telling their partners about it.

Why? Well ... bloggers. Also because, to be blunt, the 2009 political season has been incredibly dull.

How dull? About as boring as watching an appropriations hearing called to discuss pricing structures for procuring paint intended to dry on a wall in conformity with prevailing use codes. That's how dull. Except for the guy who gets up in public comment to scream that the use of white paint is an insult to the memory of the slave trade, there's nothing interesting to see.

That's because our budget is in crisis and so far our solutions are all based on imaginary pixies coming to San Francisco and drinking tea with leprechauns, who will suddenly realize that they owe the city back taxes.

This is not likely to happen, although it does recall a nightclub act I once caught at Chicken John's place.

The crisis has frayed nerves and led to sharp tempers among the political and chattering classes both: The politicians and want to solve the world's problems, and, instead, are being forced to consider cutting programs near and dear to their hearts. The chattering classes want to report on something happening, but can't because nothing is actually happening.

Nobody's taking it well. They're kind of cracking up. Sean Elsbernd is even rumored to have an enemies list, including entries No. 3 "the economy," No. 8 "Milton Berle", and No. 15 "the sun."

Last week's 311 story was the best to come along since David Chiu was elected board president by running on a platform of "Nobody hates me yet." And we loved it. Loved it. Loved it.

I'm glad that Bevan Dufty's hearing revealed it, and I appreciate the SF Appeal being at the meeting where it was mentioned, and I'm happy everyone else picked it up. We should be outraged.

But I'm stunned that anybody's surprised. We have absolutely no right to be surprised.

It was established years ago that MUNI gets used as a cash cow by other departments. Just last year we were outraged that Gavin Newsom raided MUNI's budget to pay for expensive new positions in his administration ... and before that we were outraged that the SFPD was charging MUNI every time a cop stepped on a bus ... and before that we were outraged that the health department charges MUNI when people who fall down on a MUNI bus go to SF General for treatment.

Really, people, we should have known that this whorehouse is a den of prostitution.

Monday, April 6

11 a.m. - Public Safety Committee

Who watches the watchers? Why, the Public Safety Committee does. Every other week.

Its recent agendas haven't actually involved DOING much -- there's not much legislation coming out of these meetings -- but they've been crammed with hearings looking into things. They've examined police procedures, crime trends, and best practices - to the extent that the Mayor's Office of Criminal Justice has any.

Today's agenda continues the committee's general look at crime 'n stuff -- although now the hearing is under David Campos' name rather than Ross Mirkarimi's -- and calls for a special hearing to review the work of the SFPD's Fraud Division.

I'm sure no one else will think this nearly as funny as I do, but I desperately hope the Fraud Division shows up with a huge binder of facts and statistics -- all of which are fraudulent.

"Give us the real numbers, damn it!" David Campos would shout.

"Never!" the Fraud Division representative - who swears his name is "Alex Clemens" - shouts back. "But if you like, I can sell you these official 'Fraud Division' cookies for only $1.50 a box."

"Huh," says Mirkarimi. "That's a pretty good deal. I'll take three boxes. I assume all the proceeds are going to charity?"

"Oh ... uh ... yeah. Absolutely."

"Waaaaaaait a minute," says Michela Alioto-Pier, examining the cookies. "These are Thin Mints! Are you fencing stolen Girl Scout cookies?"

Monday, March 30, 1 p.m. - Land Use & Economic Development Committee

I'm thinking of holding a garage sale. My worldly possessions -- not to brag -- include a bag of kumquats, a DVD of Waking Life, a book of commonly used Scottish phrases, and a bottle of something that this guy on the corner swears is wine.

The city is also planning to hold a little garage sale. Up for auction: Seven parcels of land along the former Central Freeway right of way and Octavia Boulevard. Their value is estimated at $35 million.

Our sales are scheduled for the same day, damn it. Isn't that always the way? If only Gavin Newsom would return my calls, we could avoid these kinds of mix-ups.

Last week we were even wearing the same tie:

My tie

Newsom's tie

All proceeds from sales of former freeway parcels have to be used for construction and maintenance of Octavia Street and adjacent areas. According to planning documents, projects likely to be funded by the sales include McCoppin streetscape improvements and the development of McCoppin Garden; lighting and streescape improvements along Valencia Street, and a skate park, dog run, and basketball court under the new overhead freeway at Mission and Duboce Streets.

Wait ... wait ... the city is going to improve the McCoppin streetscape in the next two years? Damn it, *I* was planning to improve the McCoppin streetscape in the next two years! It's right here in my planner! "Get milk; Stalk ex-girlfriend; Improve McCoppin streetscape!"

Newsom -- we did it again! We've GOT to coordinate!

Another big item on the Land Use agenda this week is a measure by Chris Daly about affordable housing.

You ever think that maybe Chris Daly thinks a little too much about housing? You ever wonder if when Chris and his friends get together to watch Lost, he spends the whole hour thinking "You know, I could really develop the shit out of that island with affordable housing."?