There's virtually no government happening this week, and the few meetings scheduled are so pointless that you'd be excused for calling them vanity government. David Chiu just likes to call stuff to order -- and can you blame him?

But before I cover this week's vanity meetings to reveal once again that the emperor has no clues, a personal note:

I quit.

This is not a joke, but it will be my last SF Gov InAction. After nearly three years I am resigning from coverage of San Francisco politics and handing off the reins of this column.

Everything of significance that I have to say about San Francisco government I said in my recent cover story with Joe Eskenazi -- and repeating it over and over again is neither fun nor aesthetically pleasing. Some generous people have told me that it is effective, but I just don't see it.

Thank you for reading.

This does not represent the end of my relationship with SF Weekly. I will continue to write those funny little lists I do for the paper, and am likely to periodically show up in other ways. I am only resigning from covering San Francisco politics -- but I am doing it whole cloth. I plan to forget the mayor's name as soon as humanly possible. I am willing to hit myself on the head if that's what it takes.

If you know me from this column and see me in the future, please do say hello. But please do not try to catch me up on everything that's happening at City Hall.

Once again, thank you for reading. And now, it's time for my farewell lap.

Tuesday, February 16

2 p.m. -- Full Board of Supervisors

Actually, there is no full board meeting on Tuesday, because Monday is a holiday: President's Day. You remember presidents, right? They were government employees who worked for a living.

Ah the joys of vacation.

It's been weeks, literally weeks, since I've asked myself "What was David Chiu thinking?"

I have asked myself "What was Gavin Newsom thinking?" but only because people keep coming up to me and asking: "what the hell is with the mayor?"

I'm going to tell you two things you need to know, people: First, stop asking me that.

Second, if you think that someone who follows Gavin Newsom's career understands him any better than a tourist from Idaho who says "Your mayor must spend a lot of time on his hair," you're fooling yourself. The man's an enigma with a comb. 

If anyone can understand the byzantine ways of City Hall, however, it is this week's guest writer -- Examiner political columnist and analyst Melissa Griffin.

Melissa is a lawyer by training, which means she has an edge over almost every working reporter: she knows how to do something. But you can't be taught to have the kind of analytical mind and political instincts that she brings to her work every week. That's just pure talent. Character for character, she is one of the best informed political writers in the city. 

My only regret is that there aren't more meetings for her to cover this week.  

- Benjamin

As a loyal reader of Benjamin's column, I'm thrilled to be writing GovInaction this week! Let's get started...

Monday, February 8

10:30 a.m. -- City Operations & Neighborhood Services Committee

There are only two items on the agenda and each requires the board to accept grant money. The time it takes you to read this sentence is longer than this meeting will last.

1:00 p.m. -- Land Use and Economic Development Committee

Here's how I picture it: About a year ago, former supervisor Aaron Peskin was driving around looking for parking in the neighborhood where he lives -- Telegraph Hill. Because there are so many driveways, finding street parking is a bitch.

Cue to 2010, David Chiu has proposed a law that severely restricts (and in some cases, eliminates) the right of residential property owners to install driveways and garages on their property in Telegraph Hill, North Beach and Chinatown.

It's magical. Problem solved.

If only Peskin had a problem with homeless people...

Hello government watchers:

I understand there was a sighting of a red-crested Avalos last week! Very exciting! I'm sorry I couldn't be there with you to share such a great moment.

However, I do have exciting news.

No longer am I going to waste my vacation with frivolous pursuits like finding the lost city of gold or having my picture taken next to the world's largest doughnut. (It's huge! The glaze can be seen from space!) Instead, I will devote all my free time to self-improvement.

Already I've learned how to actualize my positive earning potential by unleashing the secret affirmation of my higher consciousness' inner confidence to set goals that go the distance to personal transformation through weight loss enriched spirituality energy supplements that vitalize my chakras while detoxifying my spine's reflexology through better sex.

You can see how this would take up all my time.

This week's Gov InAction won't suffer a bit, though, because it's written by Matt Baume, who I regard as one of the Internet's few natural resources. Matt first came to my attention with his insightful analysis of 2008's Prop 8 defeat, and I've read everything of his I could find ever since.

Pay attention now. He's making government funny just for you.

- Benjamin

Fact: the members of the Board of Supervisors meet to talk about governing and such at least once a week. Really!

Will this finally be the week that they accomplish something? Probably not, but we salute their undying optimism. Keep plugging away, noble supervisors! You'll get the hang of it one of these days.

Highlights of this week's meetings: advice for felons, Strangelovian restrictions on smoking, and ending the inexplicable practice of paying Muni drivers as though they're the best in the country.

 
Monday, February 1, 1:00pm -- Land Use and Economic Development Committee

It's going to get ever-so-slightly more difficult to get permission to install a garage North Beach, Chinatown, and Nob Hill. Now you'll need to get a special permit; the required parking-space minimum will decrease; driveways will be prohibited in a few spots; and you won't be able to get a permit to block the sidewalk when installing a new garage. These are dark days indeed for enthusiasts of parking garages.

Oh bleary eyed passengers on San Francisco's ship of fools:

I have to say I'm getting quite the kick out of my vacation. Last week I went a whole six days without thinking of Sean Elsbernd!  Honestly, life is too short to think about Sean Elsbernd. I don't know how he does it.

Instead, I am spending my time in the Sierra Foothills, searching for El Dorado, the Lost City of Gold. I hope to find it, and gain two things:

     1)  Gold

     2)  Insight into how they handle zoning permits.

There must be so much we can learn from them. 

In the meantime, I leave you in extremely good hands.  This week's guest writer is none other than Paul Hogarth, managing editor of the influential website Beyond Chron. When it comes to understanding San Francisco government, Paul is the analyst's analyst, combining a keen knowledge of the city with an idealist's passion and a statesman's view. 

If someone has to think about Sean Elsbernd, I'd like it to be Paul. Enjoy, and I'll see you next week.

-- Benjamin

After a relatively uneventful week (which my friend Greg Dewar did a good job summarizing), this week's Board of Supervisors agenda is jam-packed with goodies. So good, that the agenda for Thursday's Rules Committee (which I've been told should be interesting) isn't even available yet. But never fear ... there's plenty other stuff to keep us busy:

Monday, January 25  

10:30 a.m. - City Operations & Neighborhood Services Committee

Sean Elsbernd has a "do-not-feed-the-animals" ordinance stemming from a local man's attempt to feed himself to the animals. It's a pretty mild amendment to the Parks Code, raising fines for "disorderly conduct" and adding more naughty things we won't be allowed to do. It makes it illegal to enter the Bison Paddock at Golden Gate Park or enclosures at the S.F. Zoo without staff permission -- or to feed undomesticated animals. It also adds "taunt" and "endanger" to the things we are currently banned from doing to these animals: a list that includes "hunt, chase, shoot, trap, discharge or throw missiles at, molest, disturb, capture, injure or destroy." (I wonder if "taunt" includes religious harassment.)

Dear Alleged Readers: I'm burned out on politics. The meetings, the hearings, the the petty egos ... and that's just Bevan Dufty's schedule last week. I need to take a break.

So over the next several weeks I'll be asking some of my favorite local analysts, writers, bloggers, and personalities to pick up the onerous duty of keeping track of the supervisors and mocking them when appropriate. I'm very much looking forward to hearing what they have to say.

We start this week with Greg Dewar, the man behind the influential N-Judah Chronicles and one of San Francisco's most trenchant political minds, who also happens to almost be my neighbor. It's my pleasure to welcome him to this space.

Meanwhile I'm going to stay productive in my downtime. In addition to getting some much needed R&R, I'm also going to be working on a new cover story for SF Weekly that I'm very excited about. It's called "The Worst Run Big City Deli in the U.S.." It's going to make people rethink how much they pay for cold cuts, and I'm going to blow the lid off black forest ham. I don't think the Guardian will appreciate my chart about coleslaw, but I am determined to speak tangy truth to power. Especially about side dishes.

I leave this week in politics in  Greg's capable hands. 

      - Benjamin

 
If someone ever writes a book entitled Things San Francisco Political Nerds Like, it will inevitably contain a chapter called "Writing about Board of Supervisors Agendas." That's not meant as a dig -- it's simply true. Every Friday the agendas for all the various committees are posted online, and people can start figuring out what the board will or won't be doing, and judge as appropriate.

(It's too bad you can't do the same for the mayor's office, but I guess that's a benefit of being mayor.)

Monday, Jan. 11

10:30 a.m. - City Operations and Neighborhood Services committee

There is so little going on at this meeting that physicists have yet to quantify an amount this small.

 
1 p.m. - Land use & Economic Development Committee

When local small business owners spend years complaining, the result is a meeting like this one. Four out of the six measures on the agenda are designed to help local and/or small local businesses get more contracts and money from the city. Why? Because we're San Francisco, damn it: We believe in putting local people first, and efficiency last.

Monday, January 4, 10 a.m. - Public Safety Committee

I'm curious: Have the Board of Supervisors ever voted to turn down grant money?

I ask because the city gets grant money all the time for various projects -- most of which involve helping poor and oppressed people help well off progressives feel good about how much they're doing to help poor and oppressed people -- and the Board of Supervisors has to vote to accept the money each time.

Today, for instance, four out of seven items on the agenda for the Public Safety Committee involve accepting money to fund programs for things like outreach to victims of domestic who don't speak English and supporting former prisoners attempting re-entry into society.

So I'm wondering: Has the city ever turned down grant money? Because if this really is just the pro-forma item that it always seems to be, couldn't we just amend the city charter to read: "Section 1(a): The City and County of San Francisco is a black hole where money goes. If offered, we accept it. Automatically. Receipts are available from the Board Clerk upon request."

Because it would really streamline city business.

It's been a fascinating year in San Francisco, full of such deep revelations. I think we've all learned a lot, and at this time of year, when we reflect on how our lives went so horribly wrong, I think it's good to take stock of the wisdom we've gained from the story of our fair city. 

      Lesson 1: the worse a crisis gets, the less likely something gets done about it.

San Francisco's current financial crisis could be seen from so far away that the ancient Mayans put in on their calendar. For all our talk about environmentalism and sustainability, it simply hasn't penetrated that the way we run our city is obviously unsustainable.

We haven't just been ignoring the obvious, we've been defriending it and deleting its contact information from our phones. This is why we're constantly lurching from budget crisis to budget crisis for the same damn reasons every year.

It's been a fascinating year in San Francisco, full of such deep revelations. I think we've all learned a lot, and at this time of year, when we reflect on how our lives went so horribly wrong, I think it's good to take stock of the wisdom we've gained from the story of our fair city.

Lesson 4: comebacks happen.

I could just say two words, "Jerry Brown," and leave it at that. But it's worth noting that other politicians have emerged from the ashes on a smaller yet still significant scale.
Chris Daly has fallen to rise again so many times you'd think he's a circus acrobat; Gavin Newsom fell, and fell, and fell this year - yet as the year ends, he appears poised to claw his way back into relevance. His recent public appearances have been (by all accounts) good; his last rounds of decisions made him look relevant and in charge; he's managed to restrict his YouTube habit to 12 minute chunks, which, while boring, aren't so boring; and in suddenly giving a shout-out to Beth Spotswood he demonstrated more sense of humor about himself in 30 seconds than we've seen in the last three years. If he learns from that, he could be formidable again.

Could this be a new Gavin Newsom? It's early yet, and my inclination is to say no, but I wouldn't bet on it: comebacks happen.

There are other lessons from the year, of course, but our fifth lesson "Boredom sets in quickly," prevents me from listing any others.

If you have any good ideas for lessons learned from 2009, however, please leave them in the comments section: let me learn from you.

There are no more meetings, and I'll be taking a break until the Supervisors return in 2010.

All my best, and thanks for reading.

Follow us on Twitter at @sfweekly.

Lesson 3: on the job training doesn't make for good governing.

 I criticize the government a lot, so it behooves me to admit at least once a year: I know this stuff ain't easy. Governing is hard.

Even in the best of circumstances, elected officials are trying to balance interests that won't balance on the basis of incomplete information in order to run a civic body with a lot of moving parts. In the world we actually live in, it's hard to pay much attention to governing when your paycheck depends on politics.

This doesn't mean we should keep our standards for government low, but it does mean that we need to understand that even for smart, capable, people the learning curve is steep: rare is the person who can just step into government and be good at it.

That was proven again this year when the Progressive faction, which controls the Board of Supervisors, appointed freshman legislators to the two most powerful positions on the board: President, and Chairman of the Budget Committee.

They appointed two good people. There's a growing political consensus that Board President David Chiu has no soul - but no one doubts that he's a very capable individual. Likewise, much of the San Francisco chattering class is coming to the conclusion that Budget Committee Chairman John Avalos is kind of a pushover - but everyone agrees that he knows his budgets backwards and forwards.

Chiu, then, has the potential to be a very good board president, and Avalos has the stuff of greatness in him as a Budget Committee Chair - but their inexperience as elected officials dulled their virtues and blunted their effectiveness. Their need for on the job training hurt their agenda.

What, after all, did the progressives really accomplish this year on a practical level? Certainly they had the deck stacked against them ... with a hostile mayor, a wafer thin majority, and a fiscal crisis the size of the San Andreas fault: but the answer is still "nothing." Perhaps they kept certain things from happening, and other things from getting worse, but they didn't lay a single footprint down towards their ambitious agenda.

That's not their fault per se: like I said, governing is tough and the deck was stacked against them. But during crucial moments, they stumbled: David Chiu was never able to hold together a coalition of progressives and moderates to make important practical decisions (such as on MUNI's budget), and Avalos got rolled by the Mayor's office when he tried to put progressive priorities into the budget: Avalos knew the budget perfectly, but the Mayor's staff have been doing this for years.

These were not stumbles due to a lack of capacity - they were rookie mistakes ... the kind rookies usually make however good they are. The loss of institutional experience on the board - especially Tom Ammiano and Aaron Peskin - hurt the progressives more than they thought it would.

 This is Part 3 of a multi-part rant. Read the next installment tomorrow.

Follow on @sfweekly.