For those unencumbered by familial obligations on Christmas Day, there's little more entertaining than venturing off into the crisp, cold San Francisco streets to peruse crap in Chinatown. And what wondrous crap there is to behold!

Selling pedestrian goods via copious presentations of sexuality is an old device. Certainly using 1980s-vintage images of tawdry women in various states of undress seems more natural for shower curtains than for, say, chewing gum. But the jarringly heavy-handed -- and heavy elsewhere, too -- use of risqué models to hawk 99-cent plastic curtains quickly grows bizarre when one thinks through the sales pitch. Is the quality of the nude Jazzercise model on the package a motivating factor when buying discount bathroom paraphernalia in Chinatown trinket palaces? Apparently so.

But wait -- these curtains aren't poisonous:

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You can have your very own Trent Arsenault baby if you want

​The SF Weekly newsroom boasts the strange distinction of sitting above a fertility clinic. That means the morning elevator ride is often shared with anxious females gripping the hand of their nervous partner. It also means that in dull moments I can chew on the unsettling fact that there's a man jerking off in a cup a floor below me. More semen is spouting around at my workplace than a Tenderloin massage parlor.

Those elevator rides made me think: Why

Or this guy's

​​go through this pain, ladies, this cycle of hope and disappointment and awkwardness with the man you love? This is 2011, you can just get your sperm from a donor confidentially online.More >>

Not in my fire house!

​Update (4:53 p.m.): Firefighters will be picking up the check from strip clubs at the union's distribution center today, followed by a reception at the Gold Club.

Original Story ( 3 p.m.)Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth.More >>

Trent Arsenault, pictured on one of his websites

​We told you a few days ago about Trent Arsenault, the one-man sperm factory whose antics have been targeted as unsound by the Food and Drug Administration. Arsenault, a Silicon Valley tech worker, has set up a website in order to donate his semen to women in need.

The FDA wasn't thrilled with this set-up, and, citing the possibility of transmitting disease outside of a regulated sperm-donation setting, the agency issued Arsenault a cease-and-desist order. Well, it now appears that Arsenault could also soon face some scrutiny from recipients of his seed -- unless, of course, his baby mommies have no compunction about raising the offspring of a serial online pornographer.

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The 99 percent: bringing sexy back.

​Revolution is to sex what Republicans are to comb-overs. Think about it: rugged Che in his Mao cap, the Black Panthers rocking their rad fros, Subcomandante Marcos in his mysterious Zapatista facemask -- sex appeal is as crucial to any self-respecting revolution as a megaphone. Don't even get us started on keffiyah scarves. Rrrrr. More >>

it's not them, it's you.

​Here's a sex story that probably isn't going to get you in the mood.

A Northern California woman is suing Pipedream Products, which manufactures sex toys, claiming her experience with her dildo was anything but pleasurable. According to the claim filed in Yreka,  April Bonjour and her boyfriend were getting frisky and decided to bring out the dildo for some foreplay. But while the two were getting it on, something started to feel not quite right, according to Bonjour.

"During the usage, I felt an intense sharp pain inside my vagina," Bonjour wrote in her claim.  "My boyfriend quickly removed the toy, it was covered in blood. I thought, very briefly, that I had started my period but as the bleeding continued, getting heavier and heavier I knew it was not my period."
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krossbow via Flickr

It's taking over Muni

​Will the whacking off ever stop? More >>

Linton Johnson

​Anonymous -- the group responsible for circulating revealing photos allegedly of BART Spokesman Linton Johnson -- told SF Weekly that it did not hack into any websites to lift the photos. Instead, Anonymous claims the photos were publicly available on Johnson's own personal website.

The photos -- which are not currently hosted at www.jeffandlinton.com -- blew up the San Francisco blogosphere yesterday after Anonymous posted several photos of a bare-chested Johnson posing with his pants pulled down. BART spokesman Jim Allison called the release of the photos "illegal and unethical."

But a member of Anonymous, who naturally did not reveal his or her name, e-mailed SF Weekly this morning, explaining that the pictures were indeed of Johnson -- and they originated from his website.

"Anonymous would only like to point out that while the posting of Mr. Linton Johnson's photos on Aug. 24, 2011, was regrettable and a bit below the normal standards we uphold, it was also legal," the group wrote.

The group then went on to explain exactly why it posted these photos of BART's veteran spokesman.
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norcalrtnda.com

On display.

​Earlier today SF Weekly reported that Anonymous, the secret hacking group responsible for BART protests, fired off a list of demands the transit agency would have to meet before the group would put an end to the weekly protests that have snarled evening commutes. And one of those demands was for BART to fire its chief spokesman Linton Johnson.

To show they are serious about their ill feelings toward Johnson, members of the group released saucy photos that allegedly show the bare-chested Johnson pulling down his pants, giving a full-frontal view of his genitals. Accompanying the partially nude photos is the following message:

"If you are going to be a dick to the public, then I'm sure you don't mind showing your dick to the public."

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James Franco, newsmaker

​Boy are we glad we read the paper today! In Thursday's Examiner newsmakers section, enigmatic James Franco is revealed as having produced subpar amateur porn in his younger days -- a bad decision that preceded his bad decision to host the Oscars in a glazed monotone.

Considering the story was about porn and James Franco, it's unfortunate that it ended the way it did -- or rather did not. The last line of the blurb is as follows:

But now Franco wants to show the rest of the world how difficult it is to make sex on tape sexy ... he's making a documentary with a certain San Francisco

Really, that's how it ends -- this article fails to climax. Thus the question is prompted: Franco is making a sex documentary with a San Francisco what? Here's what we'd pay to see:

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