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Warning: If you’re a fan of a team in the playoffs and live in the Bay, you probably like the Patriots, and you’re a smegma-slurping poser; you might want to get that checked out by a professional. Who wants to root for winners when your team figures out embarrassing ways to lose nearly every week!

The Oakland Raiders
A whiz kid new coach, a returning defense that was top five in the league in ’06, and the first pick in the draft. Oh, how I love the smell of crushed hope. The whiz kid got whizzed on, the defense got run on, and the #1 pick didn’t play until late in the season and looked horrible. The Raiders put together another 4 – 12 season and coach Lane Kiffin is already losing decision-making battles to his geriatric master “Ironfist” Al Davis. I only see more suckageness from Raider Nation next season, and what I’d really like to see from the Raiders next year is another sixty-yard string of consecutive penalties (see week 16).

The San Francisco 49ers

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By the Wook

Oakland loses 49-11 at the Jacksonville Jaguars
The Raiders got the stepchild treatment in the worst way today. I believe the team moniker should be changed to the Oakland Raided after the predatory thrashing they received at the hands of the Jacksonville Jaguars.

JaMillions got ample playing time this week but was bent over like Marcellus Wallace by the Jags defense. Russell managed only a meager 83 yards, three picks, and a “who gives a fuck” touchdown pass with six seconds left in a blowout.

Atrocious on all fronts again, the Raided's game appeared to be heading into naptime when a moment so sublimely Raideresque happened to save the game.

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By the GPC
Raiders LOSE to Green Bay Packers.
All you fan boys from last week got your medicine. It was like watching four-year-olds trying to play flag football and then wetting themselves and dropping the ball.

Passing was terrible, running was bad, hell even punting was bad. Shane Lechler had the first punt of his career run back for a touchdown. Why did we not see Jamillions? The Raiders put in Frikkinn Walter. Does not compute! This guy’s contract is based on taking a certain number of snaps and he isn’t taking any.

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Raiders Beat Broncos, So What!
Oh, Lord, why did you only let Jamillions take about ten snaps?

You answered my prayers and then squashed them like a tiny ant. I can honestly say through my nice tall glass of Haterade that it was awesome to see Jamillions take a snap or two. Not that I think the Raiders are some great team now. We have a losing record against winning teams so you do the math. At least the god of pigskin was kind enough to send a little Jamillions our way.

So I can’t say the Raiders totally sucked. McCown threw

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Raiders Beat Kansas City
All I want for Christmas is Jamillions taking snaps. I want that giant monolith of a bro to get in there and chuck the ball 80 yards down the field to Ronald Curry. Who did we play. Culfucker? Playing Culpepper instead of Jamillions is like having two Mercedes in the driveway and choosing to drive the old one. Who would do that? No one I know. They are the same physical stature but one is about 15 years new. Time to take the new car out for a spin.

On a ray of light: Justin Fargas looked

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Raiders lose to Minnesota Vikings.
The Vikings Defense basically picked us up and crapped us out. I can’t believe our running game isn’t any better than it is. We have the fattest linemen the game has ever seen and we can't push people around. Second problem

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“Help I’ve been trapped in an alternate dimension and everything SUCKS!!!”

Chicago Bears at Oakland – 17-6 “Da Bears”

Being a Bay Area sports writer must be the worst the job in the nation, every pro team sucked in 2007 except the Sharks (who really watches hockey besides mulleted canucks?). Thankfully I am gainfully unemployed and do not get paid for this so I can’t be considered a professional sports writer. The Raiders continued to recite from the most holy Litany of Divine Suckage this week dropping another snoozer of a game to “Da Bears” and last year’s Super Bowl whipping boy Rex Grossman (season stats before this game: 1 touchdown and 6 interceptions).

The Raiders did play solid defense against Da Bears and held a 6 – 3 lead. This lead me to believe the Raiders might actually win one when Da Bears had to resort to Grossman, a QB who is more inconsistent than the Democrats position on . . . well, anything (side note: Will the left ever acquire a backbone?). Unfortunately for the Raiders, Sexy Rexy connected on a 59 yard TD pass to give Da Bears a 10 – 6 lead with three minutes to go. The Raiders had one last chance with 2 minutes left in the game, but as Seatwarmer #1 (a.k.a. original starter Josh McCown) dropped backed to pass at his own 10 yard line he failed to notice the rush, got sacked, fumbled the ball, and crushed the Raiders' tiny hope of victory. I know JaMillions Russell got to camp late but can he be any worse than what’s there now?

The Raiders have always lived and died by

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By The Wook

49ers at the Atlanta Falcons

If you thought hope had died for the 49ers, you were right. I found her with a split skull, ostensibly from a two-by-four. Despite the close 20-16 loss, today’s pathetic exhibition between two completely awful teams proved inebriation is not enough to make bad football fun. You could say that the Falcons won the game, but I think it is more appropriate to say they didn’t lose.

No one should have been proud of their role. Alex Smith threw three interceptions, including two within the final minutes to seal the loss. The defense was defeated by a one-dimensional Atlanta Falcons offense whose only success came when handing the ball to ...

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Raiders at the Tennessee Titans
"Please God, remove me from this hell called Raiders football."

That was my first thought upon completion of a 13 – 9 Titans victory.

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By The Wook

Sunday, October 21, 2007:
KC def. Oak 12 – 10
NY def. SF 33 – 15

Chiefs at the Raiders – The Agony of Defense

The crushingly mind-numbing madness that constitutes a 12 – 10 game played out through three hours of commercial breaks and bad football reminds us all why we drink while watching the most popular sport in America.

This game was won by some small guy kicking four field goals, not by world-class athletes fighting for touchdowns, field goals for christ’s sake! If this was the kind of football game you wanted to see I strongly suggest going back to your home country.

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By the Wook
Every Monday this football season the SF Weekly news blog 'The Snitch' features "RaidersSuckNinersSuck", because let's face it, they do. Let us continue with a charged Week 6.

Raiders at the Chargers
With so much sucking in one game it’s hard to know where to start, so how about the obvious choice, the beginning. This was one of those extra-special, vomit-inducing suckfests that the Raider Nation has become so familiar with these past years. They let the Chargers traipse down the field on the opening drive for a LaDainian "thighs-half-my-body-weight” Tomlinson touchdown. Then, Daunte Culpepper made another great argument for untested rookie JaMillions Russell by throwing an interception on the Raiders' first possession to promptly give the Chargers the ball back. Thighs Tomlinson ran for another quick TD to make the game 14–0 barely five minutes into the game. The rest of the first half was filled with more ...

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Every Monday this football season the SF Weekly news blog 'The Snitch' features "RaidersSuckNinersSuck", because let's face it, they do. Let us continue with a lame Week 5. -By The GPC

Raiders vs Bye
Raiders Suckages
1.Don’t worry, if they had played, they would have lost. There is still more losing to do.

Niners vs. Baltimore Ravens
As befits a person of increasing madness, I did the unexpected and went to the 49ers game. I was treated to a complete suckfest. Traffic was a complete nightmare, and the stadium is a piece of garbage with worsening fans by the minute. The guy who was sitting behind me was so drunk that he was making fun of the wrong team. I am quite pleased he didn’t barf on that back of me. Anyone remember the class of the '80s? Di Bartolo shaking Bill Walsh’s hand as Joe Montana smirked. Oh, how I miss the days when the team's ownership gave a crap.

In terms of the game, I looked up at half time and they had the stats on the jumbotron. The Niners had one first down in the first half and negative passing yards! I am not an expert, but I am sure that completely reflects suckage. Also, did you see Ray Lewis just wreck us time and again? He was completely tearing us a new one on every play. We couldn’t even get close to blocking him.

One ray of light. Kick off/Punt returns. That guy was running his ass off every time trying to get something started in our pathetic offense.

Niners Suckages
1. Offensive Line: Yeesh we are terrible. I know I harp on this, but defenses are just teeing off on the QB every play. Dilfer can’t run much, so asking him to scramble is like asking Michael Jackson to lay off makeup.

2.Wide Receivers. Baltimore has a weakened secondary. We should have been able to take more advantage of their defense.

Overall Super Suckers: Niners!

Defense will not take care of everything boys. We need to run the ball to give ourselves a chance

Every Monday this football season the SF Weekly news blog 'The Snitch' features "RaidersSuckNinersSuck", because let's face it, they do. Let us continue with a bizarre Week 4. -By GPC

Raiders vs Miami Dolphins
Holy Daunte pissed offedness! That man was on a mission. Now admittedly, that mission was pretty much revenge against the team that cut his old decrepit self, but who cares. At least the Raiders showed some semblance of a spark. Now, let's not start giving out lollipops and friendly pats on the butt. This team is still bottom five in the league. Miami has a negligible run defense and the Raiders secondary is still utter garbage. Look for teams with an actual passing offense to wreck us. There were two passing touchdowns and Daunte ran in three more. That is some real offense. I don’t think they can keep it up, but it was nice to see a little spark for the boys in black.

Raiders Suckages
1.Defensive Secondary
2.Run defense
3.Quarterback question. – When are we going to see Jamarcus Jamilions?

Niners vs. Seattle Seahawks
Worst quarterbacks ever! Remember the days when all people could talk about was whether it was better to have Joe Montana or Steve Young? Oh, that was a time. Now, the current debate is Trent Dilfer or the third string guy. Wow, we suck. This is the kind of suckitude that can really get in your craw and make you ready to go back to watching golf. The offensive line just crumbled under Blitz after Blitz from Seattle. Remember when we traded Julian Peterson? Well, that certainly came back to bite us in the ass. Four sacks later and now we are back exactly where we expected to be. On the offensive line tip - Justin Smiley, get off the field. You are bad! As in Not Good! I think this offensive line is just about the worst ever. One good note, Defense is solid. Secondary and line backing look real athletic. Bryant Young is still holding down the D line. Wow, that guy is a work horse.

Niners Suckages
1. Offensive Line: Get Guy Smiley back where he belongs on Sesame Street
2. Offensive Line: Way to block anyone?
3. QB: 2 words – Trent Dilfer WTF

Overall Super Suckers: Niners. I can’t remember when we looked much worse than this. Can we get Jeff Garcia back?

Every Monday this football season the SF Weekly news blog 'The Snitch' features "RaidersSuckNinersSuck", because let's face it, they do. Each week we will also award one of our crap NFL teams the award of "Most Suckiest." At the end of the year the team with the most Sucky Trophies will get nothing, because they sucked so hard. Let us continue with Week 2. -d2

Raiders vs. Broncos (20 - 23)
OK I know the last second kick was total BS, but did you see the rest of the game? Not exactly what I would call a strong performance. First half -- defense was not looking good whatsoever. The team looked like scared rabbits with the zapper on stand by. Another notable lack was Raiders temp QB Chad McCown who threw a couple of nice picks.

All in all it was a valiant effort but the boys are simply not getting it done so far this year.

Raiders Suckages:

1.QB. McCown is garbage and a slot holder for Jamarcus Jamillions of dollars Russell

2.Defense is notably lacking

Niners vs. Rams (17 - 16)

Well, the boys in red and gold are back at it. The offensive line is still not really getting it done but I will say that Alex Smith looked slightly better than he did last week. The team still doesn’t appear to be really owning the Offensive line. Gore really carried the team on his back last weekend and he is a major stud. Person that is not a Stud – Smith. He failed to deliver against a mediocre Rams defense that was without its two cornerbacks. Come on, Alex, you need to get some cojones and sling that ball some. You watch him on the field and he just isn’t decisive.

Niners Suckages

1.Offensive Line: Not getting it done boys

2. QB: Just make a decision Alex

And Week 2 Most Sucky Trophy goes to:
Overall Super Suckers: Raiders. Bunch of has beens.

RaidersSuckNinersSuck OverAll Score:
Raiders: 2
Niners: 0
(At least the Raiders are undefeated at something.)