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Warning: If you’re a fan of a team in the playoffs and live in the Bay, you probably like the Patriots, and you’re a smegma-slurping poser; you might want to get that checked out by a professional. Who wants to root for winners when your team figures out embarrassing ways to lose nearly every week!
The Oakland Raiders
A whiz kid new coach, a returning defense that was top five in the league in ’06, and the first pick in the draft. Oh, how I love the smell of crushed hope. The whiz kid got whizzed on, the defense got run on, and the #1 pick didn’t play until late in the season and looked horrible. The Raiders put together another 4 – 12 season and coach Lane Kiffin is already losing decision-making battles to his geriatric master “Ironfist” Al Davis. I only see more suckageness from Raider Nation next season, and what I’d really like to see from the Raiders next year is another sixty-yard string of consecutive penalties (see week 16).
The San Francisco 49ers
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By the Wook
Oakland loses 49-11 at the Jacksonville Jaguars
The Raiders got the stepchild treatment in the worst way today. I believe the team moniker should be changed to the Oakland Raided after the predatory thrashing they received at the hands of the Jacksonville Jaguars.
JaMillions got ample playing time this week but was bent over like Marcellus Wallace by the Jags defense. Russell managed only a meager 83 yards, three picks, and a “who gives a fuck” touchdown pass with six seconds left in a blowout.
Atrocious on all fronts again, the Raided's game appeared to be heading into naptime when a moment so sublimely Raideresque happened to save the game.
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By the GPC
Raiders LOSE to Green Bay Packers.
All you fan boys from last week got your medicine. It was like watching four-year-olds trying to play flag football and then wetting themselves and dropping the ball.
Passing was terrible, running was bad, hell even punting was bad. Shane Lechler had the first punt of his career run back for a touchdown. Why did we not see Jamillions? The Raiders put in Frikkinn Walter. Does not compute! This guy’s contract is based on taking a certain number of snaps and he isn’t taking any.
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Raiders Beat Broncos, So What!
Oh, Lord, why did you only let Jamillions take about ten snaps?
You answered my prayers and then squashed them like a tiny ant. I can honestly say through my nice tall glass of Haterade that it was awesome to see Jamillions take a snap or two. Not that I think the Raiders are some great team now. We have a losing record against winning teams so you do the math. At least the god of pigskin was kind enough to send a little Jamillions our way.
So I can’t say the Raiders totally sucked. McCown threw
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Raiders Beat Kansas City
All I want for Christmas is Jamillions taking snaps. I want that giant monolith of a bro to get in there and chuck the ball 80 yards down the field to Ronald Curry. Who did we play. Culfucker? Playing Culpepper instead of Jamillions is like having two Mercedes in the driveway and choosing to drive the old one. Who would do that? No one I know. They are the same physical stature but one is about 15 years new. Time to take the new car out for a spin.
On a ray of light: Justin Fargas looked
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Raiders lose to Minnesota Vikings.
The Vikings Defense basically picked us up and crapped us out. I can’t believe our running game isn’t any better than it is. We have the fattest linemen the game has ever seen and we can't push people around. Second problem
“Help I’ve been trapped in an alternate dimension and everything SUCKS!!!”
Chicago Bears at Oakland – 17-6 “Da Bears”
Being a Bay Area sports writer must be the worst the job in the nation, every pro team sucked in 2007 except the Sharks (who really watches hockey besides mulleted canucks?). Thankfully I am gainfully unemployed and do not get paid for this so I can’t be considered a professional sports writer. The Raiders continued to recite from the most holy Litany of Divine Suckage this week dropping another snoozer of a game to “Da Bears” and last year’s Super Bowl whipping boy Rex Grossman (season stats before this game: 1 touchdown and 6 interceptions).
The Raiders did play solid defense against Da Bears and held a 6 – 3 lead. This lead me to believe the Raiders might actually win one when Da Bears had to resort to Grossman, a QB who is more inconsistent than the Democrats position on . . . well, anything (side note: Will the left ever acquire a backbone?). Unfortunately for the Raiders, Sexy Rexy connected on a 59 yard TD pass to give Da Bears a 10 – 6 lead with three minutes to go. The Raiders had one last chance with 2 minutes left in the game, but as Seatwarmer #1 (a.k.a. original starter Josh McCown) dropped backed to pass at his own 10 yard line he failed to notice the rush, got sacked, fumbled the ball, and crushed the Raiders' tiny hope of victory. I know JaMillions Russell got to camp late but can he be any worse than what’s there now?
The Raiders have always lived and died by
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By The Wook
49ers at the Atlanta Falcons
If you thought hope had died for the 49ers, you were right. I found her with a split skull, ostensibly from a two-by-four. Despite the close 20-16 loss, today’s pathetic exhibition between two completely awful teams proved inebriation is not enough to make bad football fun. You could say that the Falcons won the game, but I think it is more appropriate to say they didn’t lose.
No one should have been proud of their role. Alex Smith threw three interceptions, including two within the final minutes to seal the loss. The defense was defeated by a one-dimensional Atlanta Falcons offense whose only success came when handing the ball to ...
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Raiders at the Tennessee Titans
"Please God, remove me from this hell called Raiders football."
That was my first thought upon completion of a 13 – 9 Titans victory.
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