San Francisco News Blog

The story didn't coincide with the headline. The purported San Francisco backlash consisted of one guy  on a bike who got a ticket for running a stop sign in Portola Valley. More striking, however, was the question of what strap-hanging Big Apple readers might find interesting about a San Mateo County traffic ticket -- even one wrapped in the sort of bogus Times trend story Slate columnist Jack Shafer has made a steady sideline of outing. (Ex SF Weekly editor Shafer's latest roundup began with a story about a phony NYT-reported trend in which men supposedly grew pot-bellies on purpose because it had become fashionable.)

The tide is turning...

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We waited for you on Valencia for half hours at a time, expectantly stepping out on the street to see if your lights beckoned from afar. As you approached, we chanted "Be-van! Be-van!" in honor of the supervisor who lobbied to save you after Muni threatened to whack your faithful service last year. We then settled on board for your quaint, backroads route to Glen Park, dropping us right where we were going like BART never could. A crazy passenger once told us "You dropped your smile," and pushed up the edges of his mouth for effect. He was right: We shouldn't have stepped on board with anything other than glee in our hearts. Even when one of your late-night drivers always manned you like a veritable bat out of hell, taking the corners of sleepy Glen Park like a Formula One racer and nearly hurling us from our seats, we loved you still.

Thanks to ink finding its way onto a hastily assembled contract Friday evening, BART escaped the specter of its Halloween trick being hundreds of thousands in wasted state funds. Still, the day of financial reckoning may not have been eliminated but only postponed .

BART's Oct. 30 pact with contractor Solar Eclipse allows the builder 10 business days -- starting from today -- to fulfill the bonding requirements it could not line up in the proceeding weeks. If the company is unable to obtain bonding at that time, however, the contract expires -- and, it seems, so does the state's offer of roughly $800,000 to redo lighting at North Berkeley BART.

"Let's cross that bridge when we get to it," said BART spokesman Linton Johnson when asked what would happen to the state grant if Solar Eclipse's contract was voided. "I'm not sure we know the answer to that just yet."

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Fittingly, hundreds of thousands of dollars in government money may be going straight to hell, as Bey has been unable to line up the necessary bonding -- insurance, basically -- required of BART contractors. In a flurry of distressed memos and in interviews with SF Weekly, several members of BART's board and management say that if this matter isn't finalized by Oct. 31, money from the State Transportation Improvement Program earmarked for lighting improvements at North Berkeley BART could simply go unspent. Up to $3.2 million in state money is earmarked for improvements at both North Berkeley and Oakland 12th Street stations. The North Berkeley operation's base bid was for $562,129 with options for an additional $218,000 in work -- a total of more than $780,000.

"If we don't get this settled, the money goes away," said BART's San Francisco-area board member Tom Radulovich. "North Berkeley doesn't get done." BART spokesman Linton Johnson confirmed that state money "evaporates tomorrow."

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No word yet on when life will return to normal (we called CalTrans spokesman Bart Ney several times -- but, apparently, so did everyone. His voice mail box was full).

CalTrans' Bay Bridge Twitter feed has never been so useful, by the way. Ferries and BART will do their best to shoulder the burden.

So will we. God knows we'll be writing more.

UPDATE, WEDNESDAY 8 A.M.: We've placed calls to a pair of engineers who are among the Bay Area's most prominent experts on bridges -- and why they fail. More when we hear more. 

UPDATE, 9:30 A.M.: Engineer weighs in -- click here. 

UPDATE, 11:20 A.M. Another Bay Area bridge had similar problems decades ago.

Hiya Swanhuyser

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SF Weekly received calls from inconvenienced riders noting that a suspicious package has shut down the Millbrae station, curtailing all rail service (as you can see from the snap above taken at the Cal Trains station on Fourth and King).

Naturally, you should alter your travel plans, if possible,  to avoid Millbrae station's rail lines.

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What isn't up for debate is that more than 50 speakers lined up to offer their thoughts to the MTA board that will eventually vote on whether or not to extend the city's parking meter hours. At three minutes apiece, that's two-and-a-half hours of commentary, minimum. The 2 p.m meeting lasted until just about 8 o'clock (at least that's when board member Dr. James McCray, Jr. gave us a call and offered the following play-by-play).

As you'd expect, lots of people are upset about potentially feeding the meter until midnight. According to McCray, those opposed made up the majority of the speakers, and objected for three reasons: Merchants felt they were not properly consulted; merchants and others doubted the methodology of the MTA recommendations; and neighborhood people groused about having to run outside and feed the meter to 9 p.m. or midnight. Those in favor of extended meter hours primarily used the "it's time for drivers to share the pain transit riders are feeling" line.

There you go. By the way, that's 150 minutes of commentary in a paragraph. In any event, MTA staff will study the matter further and come back to the board in "a month or two" according to McCray -- so meter enforcement isn't going to change overnight.

​This figures to be just about as riveting as a Municipal Transportation Agency board meeting can get. On Tuesday, board members get their first chance to weigh in on MTA's controversial plan to extend parking meter hours to evenings and Sundays -- to which Mayor Gavin Newsom, who appointed each and every one of those board members, has already given the evil eye. Folks who resent paying more to park will almost surely angrily remonstrate, as will "transit-first" progressives. It'll be like shaking up an ant farm and calling it municipal government.

It's not particularly challenging to conjure up political reasons why the MTA board will shoot down the meter proposal -- it's a lot easier to get folks riled up about having to pay for services that were previously free than engage the populace in nuanced discussions about why everyone must sacrifice for the greater good. Try arguing with folks about why we deserve to pay for parking until midnight, even as a debating exercise. Now, imagine you're a political appointee tasked with deciding a policy inveighed against by these blood-and-thunder types and despised by the boss man.

And yet, one MTA board member told us he's leaning toward voting for the extended meter hours. And he thinks his colleagues will go along with him.

Meanwhile, at Van Ness and Market...

​Muni spokesman Judson True told us that the 90-odd minute, rain-induced shutdown of the city's rail system is over. But if you live near Van Ness station -- you're getting wet.

Because of flooding at that stop, trains are rolling right through without halting. True says Muni hopes to "clean out" at least one exit at that deluged station shortly, so passengers can disembark.

As reported elsewhere, the heavy rains wreaked havoc on riders' days. Looks like Leonard the storm had the last laugh after all.

Jim Herd

​The San Francisco Medical Examiner's office moments ago told SF Weekly that the autopsy for the man discovered dead on a bus in a Muni yard is scheduled for today or tomorrow.

Christopher Feasel, a 37-year-old San Franciscan with no fixed address, was found lifeless in the back of a No. 5 bus at 12:45 a.m. on Saturday morning at the Muni yard at 949 Presidio. There were no signs of any foul play.

KTVU-TV reported that it is unclear whether Feasel expired on the bus during its run or wandered into the Muni yard, entered the bus, and then died. If it's the former, that would mean the Muni driver didn't do a very competent job while giving his or her bus the mandated final once-over before retiring for the night.

The Medical Examiner's office expects it will be several weeks before the cause of death is determined.

Can some manner of Miracle Max save the extended parking meter enforcement plan?

​In retrospect, the Municipal Transportation Agency's proposal to extend parking meter hours to 9 p.m. or midnight through swaths of the city and from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. Sundays could have been more badly timed. This, however, would likely have required a Zodiac-type killer making threats regarding the extension of parking meter hours before the MTA blithely announced its plan.

Here are the facts as they stand: Whatever its merits -- and there are many -- the MTA's proposal would force San Franciscans (unemployment rate: 10.1 percent) to pay for services that are currently free and monitor which of five time enforcement zones they've parked in. It comes on the heels of a meter extension debacle in Oakland in which a group of indignant citizens loudly and publicly forced the city's elected officials to back off. The Oakland situation provided an ace in the hole to anyone opposing extended meter hours in the Bay Area. Forget reason and logic. Now uttering "But, Oakland!" is enough to curtail the argument.

Finally, Mayor Gavin Newsom preemptively pulled a Quincy Wagstaff on extended meter enforcement -- whatever it is, he's against it -- and the MTA board that will vote yes or no on the proposal is entirely Newsom-appointed. Is it cynical to think they'll go along with hizzoner? "You bet it's cynical," weighed in political consultant Jim Ross. "But that doesn't mean it's wrong."

SF Weekly called around the city to several political strategists to gauge the chances of the MTA's proposal. Guess what? They're not optimistic. But, to crib a line from The Princess Bride, perhaps it's only mostly dead.    

​Earlier today, the Municipal Transportation Agency unveiled the results of a study regarding its tentative plan to extend parking meter hours to weekday evenings and on Sunday. There's no shortage of details -- reporters were even handed a city map with "pink" and "teal" parking zones -- but whether this plan moves forward or goes down like a wooden nickel depends largely on just one thing.

Namely, will the folks who don't want to pay for what they're now getting for free have more sway than those who see extended meter hours as smart parking policy, the route to less stressful city driving, and a big revenue generator for San Francisco? Mayor Gavin Newsom has already planted his flag in the former camp -- and he's the guy who appointed all the MTA board members who will eventually give this plan the thumbs-up or thumbs down. Make of that what you will.

In any event, MTA Chief Financial Officer Sonali Bose presented the extended meter plan as the right policy, and something her office would push regardless of the resultant cavalcade of revenue for the cash-starved agency (hey, that's what she said). In a nutshell, rather than arbitrarily jack up the hours on each and every meter - which is what city officials did across the Bay in Oakland, with disastrous results - MTA's proposals on which meters' hours should be extended are based on two things: How crowded is the area and how late are the local businesses open? The city's current 8 a.m. to 6 p.m., Monday through Saturday policy is based on a business model harking from the days when Harriet Nelson might drive down to the Raley's to pick up ingredients for a casserole. Regardless of one's feelings about casserole, much has changed since that era.

Joe Eskenazi

It's big, uh-uh, Muni's not ashamed. Big like a pickle, and Muni's still gettin' paid.

​San Francisco is a city in which a significant portion of leadership probably can't watch Robocop without thinking "That ED-209 had promise; we could use one of those." So it probably didn't sit well with everyone that the hot new method of keeping motorists from mowing down pedestrians disembarking from Light Rail Vehicles announced by Muni on Friday was ... wait for it ... a bumper sticker!

That was our first response too. Until we saw the bumper sticker. The term "bumper sticker" doesn't do this thing justice. It is a bumper.

Pilfering a ruler from our colleague, we leaped off the platform and ran down onto the tracks to measure that baby. It's a cool 24 inches across and (though the train rolled off before we were done) six inches high. And we want one.

Calls to Muni querying whether members of the general public can have these eye-catching bumper stickers/tablecloths have not yet been returned. But, should we obtain a stack, there's a number of things we could do with them (that may or may not promote the non-crushing of Muni patrons, the ostensible purpose of these gargantuan stickers): 

Jim Herd

Whoosh! There goes your parking revenue!

​As first reported on Streetsblog and then this morning in the Chronicle, Mayor Gavin Newsom has made clear that he's no fan of alleviating Muni's revenue headaches by extending parking meter hours. Muni's pledge to study the merits of extended parking meter hours was one of the only takeaways for progressives during the painful Muni budget dustup from earlier this year; let Newsom's current behavior be a warning to anyone else who sees fit to shake on a deal when the other party merely pledges to "commit to analyzing" your suggestions. 

Muni spokesman Judson True noted that the parking analysis is still weeks away from being complete, so it's hardly clear that Newsom even bothered to read the draft version floating around ("Of course he didn't," said one rankled City Hall insider, who accused Newsom of "cute populism."). The mayor, it seems, is channeling the Groucho Marx character Professor Quincy Wagstaff, who sang "Whatever it is, I'm against it."

If you're scoring at home, by the way, this marks game, set, and match for Newsom in the Muni budget battle. The Municipal Transportation Agency board -- every member of which is appointed by the mayor, not coincidentally -- in May proposed a budget that slashed services while charging more for riders and did nothing to prevent other departments from pillaging Muni funds. Talk of rejecting that budget by the board of supervisors' progressives then led to a compromise that saved $10.3 million -- in a budget exceeding $760 million -- and extracted the aforementioned pledge to "commit to analyzing" the merits of longer parking meter hours.

Supervisor John Avalos -- who refused to drop the idea of rejecting Muni's budget, even after Board President David Chiu signed off on the compromise -- told SF Weekly that he believes Muni has lived up to its promise. They said they'd look into Avalos' brainchild of longer parking meter hours, and, lo, they did. Now Newsom has, in essence, stated that whatever it is, he's against it (even if you've changed it or condensed it, he's against it). And since every member of the MTA board is, again, appointed by Newsom, it'd be a jaw-dropping turn of events for the board to go against the mayor's explicit wishes and greenlight extended parking meter hours.

And yet, Muni is -- surprise, surprise, surprise -- facing a multi-million dollar operating deficit. Folks in City Hall SF Weekly spoke to expect this situation to result in less pleasant -- and potentially more costly -- Muni rides for the non-driving public.

Jim Herd

​Pain Level: 0.5 -- Train or bus you run like hell to reach goes out of service.

0.7 -- Muni time arrival readout arbitrarily jumps from "2 minutes" to "19 minutes".

1.5 -- Disruptive "service animals" on vehicle.

1.9 -- "Service animals" fight each other on Muni vehicle.

2.3 -- "Service animal" users fight each other.

3.2 -- Fellow rider loudly talking to him or herself ...

3.5 -- Singing to him or herself...

3.6 -- Singing songs he or she can't remember and/or humming ...

3.8 -- Singing/humming religious songs ...

4.0 -- Said singing/humming person is extraordinarily malodorous.
 

Jim Herd

​Earlier today, the Transit Workers Union predicted that the unfortunate driver who crashed her training coach yesterday -- knocking out a light pole, a pair of trees, two parking meters, and coming to rest against a building -- would be fired, unless some manner of equipment failure caused the crash.

With chilling speed, Muni has severed its ties with the driver. Spokeswoman Kristen Holland moments ago told SF Weekly " the trainee in yesterday's accident no longer works for the SFMTA."

​After learning that a Muni training bus yesterday managed to collide with a light pole, a pair of trees, two parking meters, and, finally, a building in Japantown, readers probably pondered two scenarios for the poor would-be driver: Dismissal or a quick trip to upper management.

In all seriousness, however, the fate of the driver-in-training was not mentioned in any media reports we could find. Is crashing your service vehicle a firing offense or is there some leeway here? Muni spokeswoman Kristen Holland said she couldn't comment on specific employee disciplinary matters, but would get back to us with a big-picture answer. But the Transportation Workers Union was more candid: Don't expect this driver to be around long.

Raphael Cabrera, the union's executive vice president, said a driver who crashes his or her training coach "usually suffers dismissal." Barring a brake failure or other equipment meltdown, Cabrera foresees that outcome in this case as well: "That's a terminating offense."

Four friendly fare inspectors

​Today at the intersection of 4th and King Streets, passengers aboard the N train with no ticket to ride were about to get caught. As the doomed passengers recognized this, some attempted to look innocent and formulate explanations. Others were less strategic.

"Faggot-ass mother fucker," one ticketless passenger said as he disembarked into a wall of four fare inspectors and four cops. 

The team was carrying out what the MTA affectionately refers to as "proof of payment saturation," a city-wide crack down that started about a month ago and has tended to ensnare about 100 people each day.

"This new saturation approach has proved an effective way to stop fare evasion," said Municipal Transportation Authority spokesman Judson True, who offered to provide stats tomorrow.

Mass-transit riders the world over can be forgiven for not assuming the brown stains on the train are chocolate. BART riders are no exception.

​Workers who normally drive into the city were likely surprised to be handed a piece of Ghirardelli chocolate as they exited the BART station this morning. Would Bay Bridge toll-takers have disseminated sweets if BART had gone on strike? We think not.

Riders may be less pleased when they return to their homes this evening and have to kick through discarded candy wrappers and ponder what, exactly, that viscous brown material on the train's seats or carpeting is.

This possibility hasn't escaped BART's leadership. Nor has the fact that the last two BART giveaways have been chocolate and coffee -- and riders are forbidden from quaffing either while within trains or stations.

"We gave away 65,000 chocolates, so I'm sure some wrappers will end up on the trains," admitted Bob Franklin, a BART Board Member. But, he adds, it's no coincidence that the goodies were handed to riders as they exited the stations today, not as they entered.

Joseph Moore is K-onfused

​ A few weeks back, San Francisco resident Joseph Moore got so fed up with Muni that he decided to express his disdain via custom-made clothing. The resultant T-shirts utilize various San Francisco Metropolitian Transportation Agency line names, which appear in black block letters surrounded by a circle of color, and then use that lettering to make a sarcastic critique -- for example, the "N" symbol becomes "N-one"; the "L" becomes "L-ate," the "J," "J-acked," the "T," "T-ardy." Like so many things, it's all fun and games, until you get sued.

Moore hasn't been sued yet, but he says he received a letter from Cafe Press, the Web site where he was originally selling the shirts, informing him that they would no longer hawk his wares because the logos infringed upon rights of a mysterious third party. When Moore wrote back  to inquire exactly why his shirts were pulled, Cafe Press sent him word on behalf of a lawyer for the New York City Metropolitan Transportation Authority stating: "Your use of the subway route symbols and/or other subway imagery infringes upon [MTA's] intellectual property rights (trademark)."

In short, the New York City subway system has -- successfully -- made the claim that no one is entitled to make money off of logos featuring letters within colored circles but them. But in a recent phone interview, a spokesman for the agency, Aaron Donovan, seemed to backtrack: "We have no claim on Muni's icons, we would need to look into the specifics of this case in greater detail to determine why the letter may have been sent," he said. "The images on Mr. Moore's blog did not appear to show anything that would represent a trademark violation against the New York MTA." 

May the force be with you

​Sorry for the lame headline cliche -- it's Friday afternoon, people. Normally that's good news. But if you count yourself in the pariah caste of San Franciscans who still commute by automobile, this evening may be a little less pleasant than usual. Public transit riders -- you may be screwed, too.

Two big events are likely to create huge traffic headaches today. First is Critical Mass, the "spontaneous" invasion of San Francisco streets by hordes of scofflaw bicyclists on the last Friday of every month. (As a colleague at SF Weekly notes, the "spontaneity" of this bike-nut ritual resembles that with which Chinese soldiers streamed into Korea in 1950.)

Second is the Outside Lands festival, which runs today, Saturday, and Sunday in Golden Gate Park. After a wildly successful first year, Outside Lands is expected to rock, again. But it's sure to make the city's streets and public-transit system groan with eager concert-goers, and tonight, in combination with Critical Mass, things could get ugly. Don't forget -- there's also a big Giants game vs. Colorado starting shortly after 7 p.m.

Goodbye vigilantism, hello public comment

​Few causes have had the momentum of the outcry for justice that followed the killing of Oscar Grant. The unarmed, 22-year-old black man was shot to death by then-BART Police Officer Johannes Mehserle (who is white) on a station platform on New Year's Day of this year. Riots in the streets of Oakland followed Grant's death, and the Alameda County District Attorney's Office took the unusual step of charging Mehserle with first-degree murder.

Nevertheless, the behavior of the most vocal of the many people upset by Grant's death and what it revealed about BART policing didn't encourage the public to take them seriously. This group -- an unlikely alliance of white hipsters, black Muslims, pro-Palestinian activists, and others -- distinguished themselves by promising massive protests that failed to materialize and planning their own "tribunal" to try Mehserle outside the court system.

We haven't heard from these folks, who are now calling themselves the Community Council, in months. But apparently they're still around -- and still bent on raising a ruckus, even as the public accounting for what took place on New Year's Day moves forward. In a press release sent out early this morning, the Community Council announced plans to "interrupt" today's BART board meeting to "demand action" in response to Grant's death.
 

​The union for BART's drivers and station agents blamed the system's financial woes on George W. Bush and greedy management while the system pointed the finger at well-compensated, overtime-hoarding employees.

And the riding public can offer a Mercutio-like pox on both their houses while dozing off on the Pittsburg-Bay Point train, because the union-management sniping is no longer being made with the prospect of a disastrous rail strike hanging in the balance. Yesterday around 80 percent of the holdout Amalgamated Transit Union Local No. 1555 ratified the contract hammered out hours before that strike would have commenced on Aug. 16, staving off the Bay Area's last, best chance to experience gridlock woes that would have landed us on the front page of the New York Times.

Before slipping out of the public eye until the next contract go-round, ATU President Jesse Hunt had some harsh words for BART management -- after the contract was ratified.

Jim Herd

​When it was disclosed in April that the 311 call center was charging the transit system millions of dollars for those "When's the next 38 Geary? I'm Cold!" calls, Muni boss Nat Ford pledged to begin pushing riders to begin calling the state-funded 511 line instead of the (Muni-funded) 311.

Data obtained via by SF Weekly via a trio of public records requests -- to 311, 511, and Muni -- indicates that this is exactly what has happened. Muni-related 311 calls are way down while Muni-related 511 calls are up. And yet this hasn't yet saved Muni a cent on its 311 payments.

Why is this? To start with, it's a misconception that, every time someone calls 311 regarding a Muni matter, the operator pulls on a crank and another $1.96 is added to Muni's tab. In actuality, says Muni spokesman Judson True, the much tossed-about figure of $1.96 per call was created by dividing the "work order" amount Muni had already agreed to pay 311 by the number of calls; it's just an average. For fiscal year 2009-10, Muni has agreed to pay 311 $6.387 million. That won't be reduced by $1.96 if you call 311 one time fewer. But if more and more people begin calling 511 and fewer and fewer dial 311 -- as is happening -- Muni will save money. Just not right away.

www.abracadabra.com

Were they brought together via 511's 'dating service'?

​At the end of the 1987 film Harry and the Hendersons, a couple of longtime Sasquatch enthusiasts ponder what to do with their lives now that they've finally seen -- and befriended -- Bigfoot. "There's always Loch Ness," ponders one.

BART riders are facing something of a similar choice. Now that many of them were forced to consider alternative means to getting from here to there, will they be following through on those alternatives even though the dreaded rail strike never materialized? Will they stick with Bigfoot, or sample Loch Ness?

It's hard to say. Kit Powis, the spokesman for 511 Rideshare, says that online self-registration for the carpooling site jumped by a gaudy 900-plus percent the Friday before last week's scheduled strike date. Phone inquiries jumped by 300 percent. But when asked if any of these folks have ditched BART for carpools Powis is forced to concede he has no idea -- and neither does anyone else.
   

Jim Herd

You saw it: The last two foreign tourists to be bewildered by the Culture Bus (and not get on).

​It turns out there are more efficient ways to rob tourists than charge them five times the going rate to ride on the bus. That's what the Municipal Transportation Agency found out via its ill-fated Culture Bus -- which cost $7 at its inception and 10 bucks after the markup. But 10 times zero is still zero (the Culture Bus was boarded by hundreds of riders a day; one MTA survey showed its ridership was only 2.1 percent of the F-Line's).

With Muni cutting costs, the 74-X "Culture" line was nixed over the weekend with Edsel-like fanfare; fittingly SFCitizen snapped a photo of the bus confusing two last foreign tourists. Of course they didn't get on.

It turns out, however, that Muni had novel plans for the pristine yellow buses -- carrying actual riders from Point A to Point B. If you saw a Culture Bus rolling through Bernal Heights or other portions of the city where tourists rarely venture over the weekend, your eyes weren't playing tricks on you. Muni spokesman Judson True reports that the yellow buses were tossed right into the mix on regular routes. 

http://world.nycsubway.org

Guess who's still here?

​If you rode BART to work this morning and came to the horrible realization that not only was your seat cold, but wet, too -- congratulations! You're still a winner. You can still go get a new pair of pants at Ross or Old Navy and get to work in less time than it would have taken to drive your car into the city and find parking.

Obviously commuters are the biggest winners in this averted strike. Like Joni Mitchell warbled, "You don't know what you've got till it's gone"; the only thing worse than bitching about BART is bitching about not having BART to bitch about. If the ATU Local No. 1555 ratifies this tentative accord on Tuesday, Aug 25, this four-month labor vs. management dramafest can finally leave the station. If the union fails to ratify, however, it'd arguably be a mistake akin to "Bowie over Jordan" or those poor Chernobyl technicians' fateful last query, "What does this button do?"

The happy-happy party line coming out of this tentative settlement will surely be that everyone's a winner. The holdout union got a contract its president describes as fair, BART management held its ground, local politicians got to stand behind the podium and offer platitudes, and riders get to risk sitting in horrible things without interruption. And yet there are winners and winners. So who are the winners and losers here? Let's assess:

Tama the railway cat has boosted her employer's revenues by 10 percent. Care to come to San Francisco on your vacation, kitty?

​By now, many of you will have read the made-for-the-Web story of Tama, the calico savior of Kishikawa station. When the owners of the Japanese Wakayama Railway got wind of the adorable, social cat hanging out at the station greeting passengers, they reacted the way basketball scouts did when they saw LeBron James dunking in junior high school.

The rail line designated Tama "Super Station Master," gave her a little train conductor's cap, put her on the railway's posters, and, Step Three: Profit. Tens of thousands of cat-lovers rode the rail line to the town in the southwest of Japan, pumping tens of millions of dollars into the railway's coffers and the local economy.

You can see where we're going here. Muni is drowning in so much red ink that even Moses would have a hard time parting its ledger book. Between the local Animal Care and Control and SPCA, roughly 350 cats are waiting for someone to adopt them; aptly named Animal Control Director Rebecca Katz tells us that cats mellow and sociable enough to be draped over one's shoulder like a fur boa and carried around aren't very hard to find. In the immortal words of former San Francisco 49ers head coach Steve Mariucci, "Why not us, why not now?"