San Francisco News Blog

The best part of Halloween is not the actual merry-making, but observing the aftermath of a night of booze-soaked costumed revelry. On Nov. 1, the streets of San Francisco were strewn with cardboard scythes and axes, as if an epic battle had taken place and quickly dispersed. (And in a way, it had.) There were some who never made it home, completing their morning walk of shame dressed as slightly deflated sexy bumblebees. The guy we spotted pushing an IV and bag of fluids down the street may have been in costume, or he may have been an escapee from nearby General Hospital. And then there were those who, despite their fervent efforts, eluded the arms of another. Their disappointment is our afternoon entertainment, in the form of Craigslist Missed Connections.

This plea seeks to reunite not only two people but person and costume.

​

A "creepy" mime. That narrows things down.

​ ​ ​As reported in today's Chron, Troy Smith's 2006 conviction in the theft of $4.5 million in jewels has been upheld. Mark Zimmelman, the owner of Lang Antique and Estate Jewelry where the jewels were yanked, is still walking free, regardless of the strong suspicions that he was involved.

 Should you wish to glean more about all this, check out SF Weekly's cover story, "Gem of a Caper," which laid out the whole case back in 2006.  

Also highly recommend: this NY Magazine story about what it was like for an arts writer having Smith's brother, Dino (another fugitive diamond thief), as his roommate. The tag line: "He found me on Craigslist. I found him on America's Most Wanted."

Awesome. 

www.tennesseelawman.com

So, you can't spell 'polygraph' -- but tell me, does this thing work?

With the convenience of shopping via Craigslist comes the cost of bogus online claims and exaggerations. In this Craigslist-ese sub-dialect, "Canine-gnawed, smelly monstrosity" becomes "Vintage Queen Anne couch" and "mangy, rabid ankle-biter" becomes "sweet female puppy." On July 17, however, Craigslist introduced in the San Francisco Bay Area a type of advertisement that verifies its own veracity.

The key to bartering on Craigslist, like many things in life, is being able to make a realistic assessment of worth. While you may treasure your collection of small ceramic cats, most people will not want to trade you, say, a leather couch for them. In fact, probably the best thing you can net with ceramic cats is more ceramic cats. Anyway.

The item offered for trade in this week's Bizarre Barter is not a set of ceramic cats, but a set of slot machines. It seems like you could get some decent stuff with a pair of slot machines for trade. They're reasonably expensive and, as the poster acknowledges, would be a welcome addition to any game room. What does the poster want in exchange for their slot machines?

In no particular order, they would swap for: "snowmobiles ,dirtbikes, hot rods, choppers harleys , anything with a moter (sic), trucks, tools equipment, money, prop 215 medacine (more sic), trailers, toy haulers, hoovercrafts (very sic), submarines, all the good stuff, boats, wakeskates (?), outboard motors, sand rails, need a ford 351 motor, legal guns, cash, shotguns, quads, four wheeler, jeeps, rock crawlers, chainsaws, flat screens..."

And, oh, yeah, "art."

He needs T.P. -- won't you PayPal him some dough?

In these times of woe, we've heard plenty of sob stories. But we're not quite ready to believe this one: A Craigslist poster -- aptly describing himself as "shit broke" -- is offering to trade "logo design services or Web hosting for say six months?" for 15 bucks worth of toilet paper.

Since the shit-broke downtown resident is actually hoping someone will PayPal him 15 bucks -- which will then, ostensibly, go toward toilet paper -- we're leaning more toward "Scammer looking for quick 15-buck score" than "Genuine individual who actually e-begging for toilet paper." (He -- we're assuming it's a he -- also notes that "the bank is closed" so he needs someone to PayPal him the money; unless someone has invented a service that allows you to print out U.S. currency in the comfort of your own home -- how's Mr. Shit Broke hoping to redeem that money? Are we missing something here?).

In any event, let us revel in this week's Bizarre Craigslist Barter of the Week: Either a ploy to fleece those foolish enough to wire money to folks who claim they need cash for toilet paper or a sign that times have grown so desperate that people need the generosity of strangers to purchase cheap items to shove up their asses.

Everyone's a winner.

You have no idea...

This edition of Bizarre Craigslist Barter of the Week keeps it short and sweet -- just the way you like it. The headline: BDSM provider seeks bicycle repair. The body: Not sex stupid . . . . come over and fix my bikes. you have the skills i want and i have the skills you need.

Fair enough. Seems like a straightforward trade to us -- but we are surprised the BDSM provider couldn't whip that bike into shape.

Finally, the provider doesn't mention what sex he or she is. Isn' t that sort of important?

Most of us wander the Earth lost and forlorn, adrift in an uncaring sea without love to buoy us. It's a strange and wondrous thing, then, when a quick perusal of the Craigslist barter section reveals three seemingly unrelated individuals with the capacity to fulfill one another's desires.

Poster No. 1 has some pretty unremarkable greetings cards up for grabs. Think straw hats and teddy bears, and not particularly well-drawn ones, at that. These cards say, "Mom, I don't really care." In exchange for these cards, he would like (among other things) Three Stooges paraphernalia, cans of nuts, or "Elvis stuff."

Enter Poster No. 2.

He has a "beautiful wooden Elvis wall clock" to barter. Ok, so he wants a T-Mobile phone for it, but that seems incidental in light of the circumstances.

And finally, Poster No. 3 arrives on the scene: 

Uh-oh. The recession has wrought many things, and we suspect that forgoing day care or after-school activities may be one of them. This means that more and more kids are left at home alone to fend for themselves -- or in the care of grandparents, who provide love, cookies, and discipline for free.

But occasionally things go wrong. Very wrong.

Call us suspicious, but we smell a rat when someone who can't spell very well has a "senior walker" to trade for video games, 30 bucks or "420."

Junior, whoever you are, give Grandma back her walker and tell her you're sorry.

 

After the murder of a masseuse who advertised on Craigslist, the hub of the online marketplace decided it would no longer host ads for "erotic" gigs - only "adult" ones. But the Craigslist universe is way too creative to let a matter of semantics get into the way of a good time.

Apparently this guy (or so we're assuming) brainstormed an ingenious way to score a lap dance and get rid of his nasty old futon at the same time. Either that or he's an excellent prankster.

We noticed one little oversight: The dude doesn't explicity request a woman. Fellas, perhaps you could take off your shirt and, for a few moments of indignity, go home with an addition to your furniture set?  If the futon donator balks -- well, that's just false advertising.  

Look, to paraphrase Lincoln, honesty is one of the better policies. So, let's be honest. You've got a chicken coop. It may have four wheels (or close to that) and a windshield, and it may even say "Datsun" on the exterior. All we're saying is, it's...

Wow -- it's sure something

"Eddie" has a hell of a deal for you. If you've got 20-inch rims for a '97 Camaro ("or a 5-lug or something that might be of interest" -- like what? A stereoopticon?) then he'll be happy to offer you his 1971 Datsun 510. One small hitch: She no work: "Car donsent run though so it would need to be towed(either by trailer or by 2-wheel tow hitch), has low tires and one flat tire. Missing
front grill and light assembly."

Hitch No. 2: Car is in Fresno. And, Hitch No. 3, it's hollow: "decent interior but needs seats and other accessories...". Never before have we heard car seats referred to as "accessories."

Eddie feels his car is "a vary good project car if giving the time, money, and effort." He's "willing to negociate on my price and on any trade offer" of how much you'll have to give up for the privilege of doing his hauling work for him. Perhaps he'd be willing to throw in some of the other cars in similar condition revealed in the accompanying photograph. Maybe the trailer, too.

Click on the jump for more photos of this magnificent vehicle.

Yours -- for a boat

Montreal blogger Kyle MacDonald -- whose mastery of all things Craigslist was approached only by his skills at self-promotion -- famously began bartering on the Web site with one oversize red paperclip and ended up with a house. So, obviously, C'list's bartering service can be put to good use. That being said -- there's some bizarre stuff out there, folks. And, in what we figure could become a weekly feature (God knows, the material is abundant), we present:

Internet provider of everything -- literally everything -- Craigslist today announced it will do away with its lawsuit-magnet "Erotic Services" section and replace it with a new "adult" category that will be monitored by staff.

Fit for a king, eh?

That being said, those with a need for a "Gorgeous Blonde Bombshell" or "SweEt & PeTiTe....SexXxy Blk/AsiAn HOTTIE!!!!!!!!" are not entirely out of luck -- the ads won't expire for another week. "Erotic" is still listed as a service both on the local and out-of-state Craigslist pages. Users now have to wade through a series of warnings regarding human trafficking, exploitation of minors, calling Mom on Mother's Day, etc.

Will this resolve the ire of legal eagles gunning for Craigslist founder Craig Newmark (as noted in last week's SF Weekly cover story, "Craigslist Declassified")? That's a trickier question than, say, how "Treasure" plans to "Spice up your night."

Much as we love Craigslist, we can't think of many things more useless than the above "Found Item" post. An unidentified item -- that the clueless Good Samaritan doesn't "even know what it is called, so if you can identify it..." is up for grabs here.

What is it? An "Electronic geeky doodak." That's right. It's not a doodad, gizmo, gadget, thingamajig, watchamacallit, contraption, contrivance, doohickey, dooflickey, or even a thingummy, doojigger, or thingumabob.

It's a doodak. And we hope the Clueless Samaritan finds a use for it -- because we predict he's going to be holding on to it. 

Travis Bickle, too, had a soft-spot for tax preparation

So, you remember that old Sesame Street game "One of these things is not like the others"? Let's see if you can apply that logic to this ad from Craigslist's "barter" section, in which a San Francisco taxi driver offers to ferry folks around town in exchange for numerous innocuous items (and one that raises many, many red flags).

We'll make it easy for you and we'll bold the red-flag swag:

So I drive a cab 5 days a week (Saturday - Wednesday) from before dawn to early afternoon. I know people hate MUNI, hate to drive, and love to be driven around by smart people who know everything about everything (i.e. cab drivers), but don't like to spend the $. So if you're still reading this, you're intrigued to the point of wondering what I would take in trade. I have a soft spot in my heart for tax preparation, website design & hosting, HDTV's, comic book graphic novels, cigarettes, people who like to clean apartments, people who are good at rewriting resumes (so I can go back to working outside the taxi industry), pro sports jerseys, gift cards, lcd computer monitors, baseball tickets, comped meals at restaurants, size 13 sneakers, massages, nine millimeter ammunition, digital cameras, Rumba accessories, dental work, and much much more.

Things he doesn't like include long-haired pimps who peddle 12-year-old prostitutes, Albert Brooks, and folks who don't know the answer to the rhetorical question "You talkin' to me?"

There are a lot of words that just don't belong in mitigating quotes. "Pregnant" is one of them. Here's a real-life example, extracted from the morass of missed connections that followed Valentine's Day's annual pillow fight on the Embarcadero, and annotated for your benefit.

"pregnant" at pillow fight - m4w (financial district) [If you're not sure someone is "pregnant," it's best not to imply they are. Because if they're not pregnant, what are they? Bloated with Not Baby? It's just not a thing you do.]

You attacked me at pillow fight. You had a red lipstick marks on your cheek and looked pregnant :) [Just like some words don't belong in scare quotes, some things cannot be softened with emoticons.] You were also awfully cute. I wore a black leather jacket and had long curly hair. [Omg...could it be???] We fought for a little bit, then you retreated. I told you that you should engage in this kind of activity when pregnant. [He's a doctor! What a catch! I can't believe she "retreated." How's that for adequately applied scare quotes?] I would love to see you. [Pregnant or not, she would probably welcome a second chance at pummeling you, so keep those fingers crossed, m4w financial district!]

Gotta sit down to get up.

Mined from the endlessly amusing Craigslist "For Sale" section, some viagra chairs to go with your vagina couch.

Ad reads: "Set of four solid wood chairs for $100. The chairs are rumored to have
healing properties, curing several long-standing cases of erectile
dysfunction. 78 year old Tony Randall spent a dinner sitting in one
chair and later that night fathered a child. Results may vary by
sitter."

An email asking what the seller's "results" were has not been answered at this time.

h/t to Alex Brant-Zawadzki

The missed connection is a double-edged sword. You kind of want one, just for the small thrill and ego boost that accompanies it. And then you get one. Like this number just above. And at first you're like, "Hey! That's me! Cool!" Ok, so I'm not one of the ,um, "fine asian girls" who got "extra props," but I am one of the recipients of the remaining props which were evenly divided among the rest of us "ladies" with great solemnity and charitableness. And then you're like, "Oh, who is this guy? He's kind of a creep." and "Is he going to kill me?"  and also: "Geez, Will, shouldn't you be getting some work done?"

If you were out at the bars watching the election results roll in last night, you probably noticed that states weren't the only thing swinging. Opportunistic Lotharios were doing their best to strike while the mood was high and "I Voted" stickers were like targets. But the sexual tension started building much earlier in the day at local polling places, as evidenced by Missed Connection posts on Craigslist.

"Sorry i didn't offer you the voting booth that opened up after a few minutes of us awkwardly sharing some kind of coffee table?," writes one shy voter who goes on to say, "thought of trying to be funny by saying, "so, you here for McCain too?" or "don't cheat off my ballot" but felt embarrassed and thought maybe not the place to even attempt to be cute."

When in doubt, m4w, 36 -- go with your gut.

A poster in SOMA is more to the point...

Burning Man has ended which means that Burning Man Missed Connections have started. Oftentimes the folly of the MC poster is their propensity for describing outfits that may be sported by half the Bay Area population at any given time: "You: medium height, brown hair, American Apparel shirt and boots." There's no danger of such mundane descriptions filtering out of the Playa.

"You were topless and in a white tutu," states one poster bluntly. (I actually suspect this could apply to at least 100 people.)

Another writes,"I in camoflauge pink party mini skirt, full brimmed hat, ray ban aviators and brown cowboy vest" while one man seeks a woman who wore "...a long dark dress on and a tiny illuminated lamp shade hat!" If any sentence has ever earned the giddy excitement of an exclamation point, it's that one. TINY. ILLUMINATED. LAMP. SHADE. HAT!

If six-year-olds utilized Craigslist to reconnect with school yard run-ins, they might write:"You gave my crying friend one of your dolls and showed me how to hug heart to heart..." But this was written by a 26-year-old.

One woman learned an important lesson about why you shouldn't bring your kids with you to the Black Rock City: "My son was standing behind me with his arms crossed and looking mean otherwise you would have gotten a lot more than just a kiss on the cheek. You are super hot!"

And finally, this curt missive called out a jerk named Justin: "You borrowed our tools to set up your dome and never gave them back. That is NOT the burning man spirit. Thanks for making us work twice as hard to bring the dome down, would have been nice to have our tools available. You are the biggest jerk!"

Way to bring the mood down, Justin. --Andy Wright

Yep, this poster has a "great" idea for you and three of your friends. It involves a chain restaurant that fetishizes a certain part of the female anatomy through a clever animal reference. Still not sure what it is? There are shiny, tiny, totally synthetic orange shorts involved.

This post went up today in the Free Stuff section on Craigslist. Have any of you New College kids responded to get your stuff back?

-Andy Wright

Scattered among the usual flotsom and jetsom of Craigslist Free Stuff- the Ikea wardwrobes, the scrap metal and wood made no more appealing by the application of an exclamation mark- was this seemingly blah offer of "Free Posters." But the post promised pictures after the jump and so I clicked, fully expecting to see another lame offering of redwood tree panoramas. Instead I was confronted with a foursome of awesome so bold, so perfect in its union, I immediately swore I would never doubt the Craigslist gods again.

Bask in its glory, after the jump.

The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence held the 29th Annual Hunky Jesus Contest in Dolores Park on Sunday. The finalists included two puns, The Doublecross Jesus (two saviors strung up on two conjoined hot pink crosses) and the Hunky Cheese-us, a high concept trio of cheese themed lords. The winner, though, is pictured above in all his barely concealed glory: Michelangelo Jesus. You can't go wrong with the classics. Jesus' presence was felt all over the Bay Area this weekend, and at least two locals are calling out for him on Clist:

roller blading hula hooping jesus... - w4m - 25 (richmond / seacliff)hey you! Sorry I didn't say bye to you at the bunny meadow pisces party. really sorry actually.I was kickin' it with the green bunny and we chatted while you sat in a pile of hula hoops. I asked if you were wearing a picture of your mother...This isn't really my MO, but I can't stop thinking about your beautiful eyes and handsome face. I want to get lost in your eyes! You seemed like such a sweetheart and I wish I had said bye.So I'm throwing this into the universe! Find me! -xoxo,Emily

And then there's this lonely Berkeley cowgirl:

jesus man at gordo last night - w4m - 23 (berkeley)
You were handsome and sitting across from me. Between us was my friend, talking very loudly about religion and luna bars. I guess we were both talking loudly. I had on a red vest and cowboy boots. Gosh you had nice eyes. Never posted one of these before, but what the hay.

Apparently Jesus has some pretty compelling peepers. Will you forsake your children, Jesus? (photo from edwardoneill's flickr)-Andy Wright