The new CIR investigative team

March 22, San Francisco -- Center for Investigative Reporting Executive Director Robert Rosenthal announced today that the CIR will improve the quality of its journalism by doing way less of it.

Instead of running three organizations (the CIR, California Watch, and The Bay Citizen), Rosenthal said, the organization will save staff time and money by merging California Watch and The Bay Citizen into the CIR, changing three organizations that covered local, state, and national news into a single organization that uses the same resources to cover less local, state, and national news.

Providing less local and state coverage will reduce the total amount of local and state coverage, Rosenthal acknowledged. But, he said, by "reorganizing our internal creative decision-making and production process, and doing less journalism, we can position ourselves to be the highest-impact, most innovative reporting organization we can be. So it's a win-win, only less so."

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Facebook/ BART Idiot Hall of Fame

You know what's worse than late BART trains and increasing transit fares? The douchebags riding those trains. Unfortunately, there's nothing to be done about those passengers who shamelessly clip their nails, pass gas, and pick their nose. And even if you aren't one of those idiots who gives themselves a pedicure en route to Powell Street, everyone on BART hates you anyway, and this is why:

You pee/poop on our seats:
In case your mother hadn't told you, BART is not your personal potty, which means shitting and pissing on the escalators, floors, seats, and ticket machines is a no-no. If you can't hold it, then poop in your own pants, that's what your underwear is for.

You take up two seats with your crap while the rest of us stand:
Look, I don't want to sit next to you any more than you want to sit next to me, but I also don't want to stand. So move your Trader Joe's bags and your exercise ball or whatever the hell it is you feel entitled to bring on the train and give me that seat. And stop giving me dirty looks.

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This is all you're gonna see unless you got tickets

Dave Chappelle is an inscrutable fellow. Living legend, comedic icon, he's also a very mercurial performer. His live shows are notorious -- for their unscripted, off-the-cuff nature, for their length (we saw him at Cobb's once, and he outlasted the audience and the production staff), and for the sheer variety of moods Dave goes through while onstage.

Here in the Bay Area, where Dave performs a half-dozen or so times a year, his live shows also sell out really fucking fast, oftentimes with very short notice and next to no advertising. The latest example:The Independent announced a pair of Chappelle shows Monday at about 11:32 a.m. The $55 tickets went on sale at noon -- and within 30 seconds, they were gone -- all gone.

In other words: the old Chappelle maneuver.

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Hells Angels are so much more than just an outlaw gang

By Metal Cowgirl

A Nevada judge is putting her foot down in a San Francisco Hells Angels murder case, telling attorneys that they are no longer allowed to refer to the group as an outlaw gang or a motorcycle club, fearing they would not get the fair trial they deserve.

But because the Angels pride themselves on being an outlaw gang, it almost seems it would be unfair to refer to them as anything else. But alas, the judge rules, so here's some synonyms for those unfortunate attorneys who are surely wracking their brains right about now:

See Also: Even the French Are Afraid of Hells Angels

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No. 1 with a bullet...

The happy news that an AR-15 rifle pilfered from San Francisco cops over the weekend has been recovered across the bay is tempered by a darker demographic reality: Even our guns are now fleeing to Oakland.

San Francisco will always be San Francisco, but it's time to face facts. Oakland is "cooler." Oakland is ascendant. Oakland is affordable. San Francisco, famously, features the lowest ratio of youths in the country: around 13.5  percent. In Oakland -- where families can afford to establish roots -- that figure is at nearly 24 percent (though dropping).

It's a problem. And now, apparently, even deadly rifles can't manage to stay here.

See Also: Cops Track Down Pilfered Assault Rifle

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National Day of Unplugging

Just like his grandfather did

If the thought of "unplugging" for an entire day makes you feel empty and useless, that's because you are, thanks to all this ubiquitous technology.

But guess what, on Friday you will have a chance to hop out of your digital vortex and detox from technology for an entire 24 hours for this year's National Day of Unplugging. Can you do it? Obviously, no more constant contact means you will have to find other things to fill your 1,440 minutes without e-mail, Facebook, Twitter, texting, and Tumblr.

We want you to succeed, so here's our suggestions on how you could spend your very free time:

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Earlier today, Californians were struck by a new radio ad Texas Gov. Rick Perry put out, asking our state businesses to pick up and relocate to the Lone Star state. The governor/failed presidential candidate bragged about Texas' low taxes and easy regulations would make businesses life so much easier.

See Also: Top 5 Reasons Californians Are Moving to Texas

Okay, so you can probably make a shitload of money while killing trees and not sweat about getting sued. Still, you don't see the Googles and Apples of the world vying for Texan headquarters. As California Gov. Jerry Brown eloquently put it, anyone "with half a brain" is coming to California, not Texas.

And here are some possible reasons why:

5. Whatever money you save on taxes, you'll have to spend on building really big parking lots, like Texas-sized lots, and insane amounts of air conditioning.

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Not much could cheer up depressed 49ers fans after their team lost the Super Bowl to the Baltimore Ravens last night. So we will look where we can to help bring some joy to those disappointed San Franciscans.

So here's one for you: Mayor Ed Lee's silly request that bars cool it on the hard liquor sales during the Super Bowl completely backfired; At least one bar initiated a silly request of their own. Down in the Lower Haight, we spotted this work of art outside the Mad Dog in the Fog:

Joe Eskenazi

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We weren't that surprised to learn this morning that San Francisco is the No. 1 spot to live if you were hoping to shed that baby fat in 2013 -- it's a walkable city filled with steep, steep hills, endless hiking trails, and other thin, attractive people who make you want to be a better person.

But those are way too obvious. The less noticeable reasons this place will help plus-sized people are right below:

5. Nobody can afford food here, and even if we could, our local leaders won't really let us eat: No, that wasn't a slam on Ross Mirkarimi, really it wasn't. The food in S.F. is so damn good and so damn expensive that even upper-middle-class people can only afford to split a burrito. But we're guessing it won't be long before Eric Mar et al. will pass some asinine law banning sour cream and cheese in the Mission.

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There are 11 more shopping days until Christmas, but only seven until the end of the world, assuming you believe that Dec. 21, the end of the Mayan calendar, is your last day on Earth.

The Mayans, you know, those pre-Columbians who lived in Central America before the Spanish got there, measured time in baktuns, which lasts about 400 years. Some say the Mayans predicted the end of creation after the 13th baktun, which falls on Dec. 21. However, scholars have described it as nothing more than a really long wall calendar.

In other words, when it runs out, time doesn't stop -- you just get a new calendar.

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