49ers-Seahawks Game "Rigged," Claims Much-Viewed Video

Categories: 49ers
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That was an obvious hold. How deep does this go?
If YouTube had existed during the era of the Zapruder film, it's likely the American people never would have fulfilled the grand scheme of dearly departed President Kennedy of landing a man on the moon. 

They'd have been wasting too much time on YouTube. 

Well, we've got YouTube now. And we can piss away jaw-dropping amounts of time hatching conspiracy theories about matters far less consequential than assassinating a Commander-In-Chief. 

Nearly 170,000 people -- and counting -- have viewed this turgid, 15-minute video claiming the outcome of the 49ers-Seahawks NFC Championship Game was preordained, and is the latest in a series of "rigged" National Football League contests.  

In summary, wholly unsubstantiated claims that the NFL has been fixing games since the early 2000s are backed up with 15 minutes worth of arrows and freeze-frames of the game. These establish nothing more than the Niners being the recipients of some pretty rough calls, which induced coach Jim Harbaugh to leap around like Baryshnikov on a heated floor. 

The presence of the Illuminati remains undocumented. 

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Seattle Seahawks Flag to Torment Bay Area 49ers Fans

Categories: 49ers, Labor
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Coming to a port near you...
Faithful SF Weekly readers may recall a series of stories about a humiliating football-related wager engineered by San Francisco and Seattle's longshoremen, and tied to the fates of their respective football teams.

Well, their team won.

And, since the Seahawks went on to win the Super Bowl, too, now San Francisco's longshoremen are obligated to unfurl a massive, 25-foot Seattle "12th Man" flag from atop a 125-foot crane at the Port of Oakland (since the Port of San Francisco long ago ceased to be a functioning cargo center, Oakland will end up bearing the brunt of a San Francentric bet).

Melvin Mackay, the president of the San Francisco ILWU, said he'll hoist the flag as soon as his Pacific Northwest colleagues get him one to hoist. His Seattle counterpart, Cameron Williams, didn't return Sunday night calls -- but, considering the last time a Seattle professional sports franchise won a league title was in 1979, he may have been otherwise occupied. So it's unclear when -- and how -- the 12th Man flag will arrive in Bay Area territory. But, as certainly as jokes about #EsuranceSave30 will be stale by week's end, that flag will arrive -- and fly for a full week.

It has been so ordained. 


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49ers Play Poorly, Lose. And There Was Much Lamenting.

Categories: 49ers
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Onward
During Sunday's NFC Championship Game, Muni took the preemptive measure of pulling cable cars, trolleys, and electric buses off the street in anticipation of riotous Niners fans celebrating a trip to the Super Bowl via destruction of municipal property. 

So, if you're desperately seeking a silver lining to yesterday's tooth-grinding, sphincter-tightening, 23-17 loss to Seattle, there's this: It appears Muni vehicles are no jankier today than they were yesterday due to the actions of idiot football fans or not. 

Well, there's that. 

And yet, watching Seahawks defensive back Richard Sherman fulminate like a professional wrestler could induce even the most civic-minded do-gooder to glance about for a municipal vehicle to deface. As can helplessly witnessing the 49ers gratuitously piss away opportunity after opportunity and buckle at the very moment they needed to stand firm. 

Despite three fourth-quarter turnovers, San Francisco was in a position to win this game. Despite transcendently mediocre play, the title was there for the taking. Knowing that makes it ache all the more. But it's not a complex situation: When you play poorly, you tend to lose


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49ers-Seahawks: Longshoremen Make Waterfront Bet

Categories: 49ers, Labor
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If things go poorly for the 49ers come Sunday, this pro-Seattle flag may end up fluttering over the Bay Area
Playoff football goes with humiliating bets almost as well as it goes with overindulgence in nachos and beer. In fact, the more nachos and beer you consume, the more likely you are to place a humiliating bet. 

Some bets are so ingeniously humiliating, however, they germinate on their own -- sans nachos, sans beer. Members of the San Francisco and Seattle branches of the International Longshore and Warehouse Union have devised a wager that the losers will rue for the rest of their days. 

If not longer. 

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49ers-Seahawks: They Hate Us. They Really, Really Hate Us.

Categories: 49ers
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Joe Eskenazi
Who's got it better than us?
There was plenty of car-door slamming in the Mission last night. As the sun rises on this, The Morning After, the barrage of honking horns and high-pitched shrieking appears to be settling to its workaday level.

If San Francisco prevails next week in Seattle, however, your investment in earplugs might prove prescient. The moments following 49ers playoff victories serve as a reminder that, while other teams do capture our hearts in the best of times, this really is the Niners' city. We are always searching for the slightest pretense to stream into the streets and celebrate the team that brought the first and most success to our city -- and whose halcyon years are treasured childhood memories for so many of the jersey-clad folks raising flags and flagons. 

The forthcoming Battle of Seattle will provide backers of the respective teams with everything they could possibly desire: A once-and-for-all matchup between two squads that seem to legitimately despise one other. Even the coaches have a contentious history ("What's your deal?")

For San Francisco fans -- who, like so many San Franciscans, seem to exist in a bubble apart from the nation writ large -- it may come as a shock that enthusiasm for the NFC Championship Game in these parts is matched by enmity in nearly all other parts.

To those out-of-towners agonizing over a San Francisco-Seattle Conference Championship matchup, let us direct you to the word off wisdom -- just one was sufficient -- uttered by erstwhile Niners coach Steve Mariucci: 


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49ers Fans Celebrate, Stay Away from Emergency Room

Categories: 49ers, Health
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This vehicle, and its passengers, managed to stay healthy
Phil Dawson's kick sailed a few inches to the right of Davon House's outstretched arms and a few inches to the left of the right upright.

Ballgame. Niners win. The howls reverberated off the corrugated iron ceiling of the bar and the red-and-gold clad revelers took it outside. Libations were imbibed. Nicotine was ignited. Horns honked and flags waved. It was a party, all right.

But it wasn't the sort of party that landed participants in the Intensive-Care Unit -- one of those memorable nights that no one can remember. Rachael Kagan, spokeswoman for San Francisco General Hospital, reports that no pre-, during-, or post-game football celebrants ended up in the Emergency Room.

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49ers-Packers: Wild-Card Matchup May Be Colder than "The Ice Bowl"

Categories: 49ers
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THE FROZEN TUNDRA OF LAMBEAU FIELD...
Niners-Packers Sunday Tilt May Be Coldest Game of All-Time

It is, without exaggeration, a poignant and rose-tinted bit of nostalgia from every American boy's childhood: grainy footage of beleaguered men, grimacing behind the voluminous clouds of steam billowing through their two-bar helmets and into the air above.

Always, always in slow motion. And the voice. The Voice of God.

The booming baritone of NFL Films narrator John Facenda, a man who spoke in all-capital letters, is one of the most- and worst-imitated voices of all-time. And no phrase of his utterance has ever been imitated more -- and more badly -- than THE FROZEN TUNDRA OF LAMBEAU FIELD.

That phrase has grown so ubiquitous, it's easy to assume that, like frozen tundra, it was always with us. But no: It's a relatively youthful artifact of 1967. On Dec. 31 of that year, the Dallas Cowboys met the Green Bay Packers in the NFL Championship Game, played atop -- wait for it -- THE FROZEN TUNDRA OF LAMBEAU FIELD.

That game -- or at least the description of the field -- has been immortalized. It is, forever after, "The Ice Bowl," and with wind-chill pushing the temperature from negative-13 to negative-48, it is acknowledged as the coldest NFL game yet played.

But all that may change. Sunday's Wild-Card matchup between the San Francisco 49ers and Green Bay Packers at THE FROZEN TUNDRA OF LAMBEAU FIELD may be colder still.

How cold?


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49ers-Seahawks: S.F. Denies Sending Letter Instructing Fans How to Cheer

Categories: 49ers
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AHHH-OOOO!
The San Francisco 49ers' Candlestick showdown vs. the high-flying Seattle Seahawks won't commence until Sunday -- but the team is already on the defensive.

A cringe-worthy letter making the Internet rounds purportedly sent to team ticketholders patronizingly instructs Niners fans on how to properly cheer the home side. Left unmentioned in the letter: How to eat food instead of smashing it into one's face; how to properly relieve oneself in an indoor plumbing situation; and how to avoid the problem of putting on one's shoes before one's pants.

"Communication at the line of scrimmage is critical," reads the letter, imparting information that won't come as a surprise to anyone who's ever watched a football game or heard the game discussed in passing. "Keep it quiet when the 49ers are lining up to the ball on offense. Save the noise for the play!"

Fans are also inculcated in the proper sound to emit when the Niners register a first down: "Ahhhh-ooooo, ahhhh-ooooo, ahhhh-oooo."

Well, that's embarrassing. But not for the reasons you might think (AHHHH-OOOO!). Team officials tell SF Weekly that no letter was ever sent to 49ers fans or anyone else. In fact, this is actually an internal memo regarding stadium operations that was never intended for the general public.

Ah! Ooh.

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Vernon Davis: News of 49er Being Tackled By His Penis Reaches Australia

Categories: 49ers, Sports

In the past few years, it has become harder and harder to deny the connection between the violent nature of football and its participants' sadly youthful decline into Wheatena-eating invalids.

And yet, yesterday's 49ers victory introduced us to a reason to be thankful for future football-related memory loss. Namely, the ghastly spectacle of San Francisco 49ers star tight end Vernon Davis being hauled down, blatantly, by his genitalia.

News of the unorthodox tackle has spread far and wide -- and led to many awful puns. Perhaps the best/worst pun, and furthest dissemination of the incident (that was also a pun) hails from Australia, where the headline to a Herald Sun piece reads: "San Francisco 49ers tight end Vernon Davis left wincing after tackle gets tackled."

See Also: Vernon Davis Drafted for IPO


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Candlestick Park Seats for $649: How Crazy Is That?

Categories: 49ers, Sports
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You're sitting on a gold mine!
If you've got more money than sense -- or, arguably, taste -- the San Francisco 49ers have a deal for you. For the low, low price of just $649, you can be the proud owner of a pair of Candlestick Park stadium seats -- a far more tangible memory of The 'Stick than frostbite, gout, or the lingering sense of dread that the drunk one row over may yet sock you in the eye.

The auctioning off of paraphernalia prior to a stadium's demise is a tried and true method of extracting surplus dollars from nostalgic fans. Both a cost-of-living adjustment and an analysis of supply and demand may be necessary to square the discrepancy of two seats from the Houston Astrodome running $200, while a pair from Yankee Stadium could go for 10 times that.

If nothing else, it makes the Candlestick asking price seem downright approachable.

But how much would these much-worn plastic seats, done up in a Caltrans orange specially designed to match nothing, be worth without the nostalgia factor?

Less. Lots less.

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