Jack Halprin: As a Google Attorney, I Need the Homes of 7 Teachers, and Here's Why

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The real Jack Halprin
By Faux Jack Halprin

There's been a lot of misinformation recently about my decision to buy a seven-unit San Francisco home and evict all the other tenants, including a city school teacher, just so I can have the place to myself.

People are saying it's a bad thing. Somehow they're using Google to spread this lie. It had never before occurred to me that such a thing could happen.

So I need to clear the record: as a Google employee, I need the homes of seven school teachers to survive. It's just a fact of life, like the food chain, or the singularity.

People like me, who are in the tech sector, who are changing the world, simply outrank people like teachers, who can never shape the future. Not when all they have are the primitive brains of children to work with.

Have you seen those things? Most of them can't even play chess, let alone return ranked search results. Trust me when I say this -- I've seen the research -- children are not our future. Designer polymers are. Not only are they smarter, they're easier to trademark.

What I'm trying to say is that, in a free society, some people make better choices than others, and we reward those people with the homes of their vanquished enemies. Some people, for example, choose to be teachers, and spend their lives teaching other people's kids things that they can Google for free. Naturally, we pay them very little money -- so little that they're practically homeless already. Frankly, I'm surprised that anyone even notices when I evict someone making under $150,000 a year. Honestly, how can you tell?

Then there are other people, like me, who make good decisions, becoming important parts of the companies that sponsor TED talks. Naturally, we pay these people what they're worth. Why am I so highly compensated? Well, if I weren't at the office every day, doing the work I do, the government wouldn't be nearly as good at spying on you.

You're welcome.

To continue doing the important work I do every day, I absolutely require the homes of seven teachers -- preferably disabled and minorities. If they've won an award for teaching excellence, or making a difference in their community, that would be particularly sweet.

Without my taking over their homes, how do you expect Google to file patent claims against Apple -- patent claims that are more important to the future of mankind than the work of a thousand homeless teachers? Without my ability to have an extra six bathrooms at my disposal, how could Google possibly lobby city government for the right of its employees to take your homes away?

It couldn't be done. And that means a world where your phone can't sync both your personal and work calendars together. Is that a world you want to live in?

The question you should be asking isn't "Why does he need to evict teachers when he's already got a home here?" It's "Has he evicted enough teachers?"

It's a disturbing question, I know, but don't worry: I won't stop until the answer is "yes." Even if I have to personally throw the last city school teacher into Oakland by hand. Well, actually I wouldn't do it by hand. That's what Uber's for, right?

Don't try to hold me accountable. I have the money. What other possible justification could I need? I Googled it, and didn't find anything.

Benjamin Wachs is a literary chameleon




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17 comments
theonlyalexoliveira
theonlyalexoliveira

Wouldn't it have been something if you were the previous owner of this building trying to sell.  

7 unit apartment complex.  You cannot evict tenants.  You cannot do what you legally want with it.  All local residents with a strong sense of sanctimony effectively co-own your home basically.  You ARE responsible for lack of afford housing city wide. 

I'm sure that guy would get a fine dollar for that building.  

But you guys who want to prohibit and ban everything never see the consequences of your actions.

The politics of envy trump all reason as always. 

sweetdigs
sweetdigs

I'm not sure entitlement mentality means what some of you think it means.  If he buys the property, he can do with it what he wants.  That's not an entitlement mentality, it is actual legal entitlement.  

vandesic34a
vandesic34a

It looks like the law requires that he evict every single one of his tenants if he wants to exit the landlord business.   He can't keep some of them, even it would work for him.   The Ellis act doesn't seem to have much flexibility.

sfrenter
sfrenter

I LOVE this. Totally skewers the attitude of entitlement of some (most?) of the very rich.

aliasetc
aliasetc topcommenter

Frisco as a world class city is doomed!

Steven Python
Steven Python

Ultimately the blame for SF's sky-high real estate prices is housing scarcity. If property owners were allowed to build, there'd be more places to live. More people bring more critical mass, and with that comes more infrastructure to support them - like BART to the beach and so on. Let the city grow. We could put Manhattan to shame and preserve our Bohemian lifestyle - but not with the enforced low-rise zoning imposed on 3/4ths of this city.

Kelly Clayton
Kelly Clayton

Hey, I'm a teacher in the Bay Area and this totally made me laugh - it's funny!

Andrea de Lugnani
Andrea de Lugnani

The reason why people are getting evicted is precisely because of these "social programs" and rent control. SF just doesn't have enough of housing supply to accommodate all the people who want to live here. And why? Because of ridiculous zoning rules that were set up 30-40 years ago by people who want to maintain the city's "character". Well guess what? When demand overwhelms supply by as much as it does now what happens is that whoever can pay more wins. You can bitch about it all you want but the answer will never be rent control...the answer is building more and less restrictions on where and how to build. Until then, prices will continue to stay high.

Estrella Iclea Pineda
Estrella Iclea Pineda

We all had no problem earning enough to live comfortably without "social programs"...Shitty reply Leslie.

Ana Kirola
Ana Kirola

He is an unsavory character. I hope the tenants overrule his affluzena and kick him out of his bldg.

Beth Markert
Beth Markert

leslie... i guess until you walk in their shoes you will never know

Leslie West
Leslie West

That Glasshole owns the building and had rented to his tenants until the threat of the law changing, that would otherwise force him to pay tens if thousands of dollars to evict in the future. How much financial sense to the owner does that make when rent control has him tied up at 3% rate increase limit per yr?

Joe Herman
Joe Herman

pretty effed up that SFweekly did this. Its going to be spread all over the place before people realize its supposed to be satire

sfrenter
sfrenter

No, that is not "the answer". That is an overly simplistic analysis of a local example of a worldwide problem of population displacement and resulting human suffering. This is about people who are hurt and die from eviction, and other people who profit from human suffering.

sweetdigs
sweetdigs

@sfrenter uhh..  nobody got hurt or died as a result from this.  And nobody profited from human suffering.  Spare us.

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