San Francisco Chronicle Totally Gives Up on Journalism

POPSUGAR.jpg
New Chron prez Kristine Shine promises to turn your brain into total mush
Executives at Hearst Corporation have confirmed that, by appointing the former Chief Revenue Officer of POPSUGAR.com to be President of the San Francisco Chronicle, they are saying "screw it" to journalism.

"I thought we made that pretty clear," said Hearst Newspapers President Mark Aldam. "Journalism is dying and we at Hearst would like to be ahead of a trend for once."

Hearst sources who wished to remain anonymous pointed out that "POPSGAR is in all caps, for Christ sake, and just ran an article in which the only text was a verbal description of the outfit Kristen Stewart was wearing in the photos. If we were journalists we'd want to die."

Hearst CEO Steven Swartz said he would be happy for more journalists to die.

"All that really matters is that (former POPSUGAR Chief Revenue Officer) Kristine Shine consistently made money on a website," he said. "Can you do that? Can journalism?"

Added Swartz, "We've spent 20 years now pretending that people want to read zoning board coverage, or anything written by Matier & Ross. We gave journalism more than a fair shot. It's time to grow up."

But Shine herself said that she hopes both remaining journalists on her staff won't worry about the new direction she plans to take the paper.

"Our business models are very similar," Shine said. "'Journalism,' after all, is only 'content,' which uses words, and POPSUGAR also used words. So there will still be words."

Added Shine: "Johnny Depp, Golden Globes, A-list, Bikini Body, Ke$ha, Strawberry Cupcakes."

A local journalism professor agreed, saying "POPSUGAR is famous for what could pass for content, if it's only skimmed in a dark room while hungry."

Asked if the profession he studies has any future, the professor said: "Leave me alone."

New editorial policies that have already been announced for the Chronicle's newsroom include:

  • Only quote members of the Board of Supervisors when they're talking about Oscar picks
  • The homeless should only be written about if they're offering street-smart fashion tips
  • Oakland does not exist
  • "What's Jane Kim wearing?" will be developed into a full-time beat.
  • Try to work the words "celebrity," "adultery," and "weight loss" into every story

Said Shine, "Gwyneth Paltrow, weddings, selfies, Lena Dunham, royal baby, Zac Efron, Snapchat!"

Benjamin Wachs is a literary chameleon

Editors Note: A previous version of this story quoted San Francisco State Professor Roland De Wolk. The author did not ever speak to De Wolk. The story is intended to be satire and all quotes are fabricated.




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13 comments
red.marcy.rand
red.marcy.rand topcommenter

I thought it was a true story ! Which would make a lot of sense ! Ms.Shine would definitely stiffen a great many penises and that would compensate for turning brains into mush.

downtownbrown
downtownbrown

Can we get another run of the Audrie Potts phot set?  She's so adorable.  And maybe another run of the Lacie Peterson photos, so cuuute.

larbac67
larbac67

The Chronicle has never been the same since Herb Caen departed.

aliasetc
aliasetc topcommenter

I lined my bird cage with the San Francisco Chronicle and my bird died!

Earl Marty Price
Earl Marty Price

We have called it the Comical for years. I get it only because most of their sportswriters are way better then Purdy and Kawakami of the San Josse/Trib..love Leah and Jon Carroll and Callie is a keeper. For news...it is laughable and the oaf they have covering Oakland....Well we call him Chipmunk for a reason

mrericsir
mrericsir topcommenter

The Chron gave up on news long ago.  Now it's all about celebrity marriage and restaurant reviews.

abledart
abledart topcommenter

The job of President at the Chronicle is like that of Publisher at SFWeekly; it has nothing to do with journalism or editorial coverage (at least on the surface) and everything to do with revenue. 


Now if you want to criticize journalism at the Chron, you might wish to look at their recent unfortunate turn toward Urban Disgust Porn as written by such luminaries as Heather Knight and Caille Milner. 

bbradock
bbradock

despite the tongue-in-cheek faux opinions, Ms Shines true objectives remain disturbingly questionable.

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