Faux Willie Brown: Why Your Voice Doesn't Count

Categories: Fauxpinions

Faux Willie Brown: Telling it like it is
San Franciscans voted the wrong way last week, and so I'm going to nullify the election.

Sorry. I know you all got your hopes up about democracy and representative government, but there's just too much money on the line for anyone to take you seriously.

I must have said it a hundred times when I was mayor: "If you can't afford a waterfront penthouse, your voice doesn't count." It was the title of my autobiography, until the publisher changed it to "Basic Brown." I never thought that title really conveyed the essence of who I am.

I sat the Board of Elections down and broke the bad news to them. They were real disappointed for you, but obviously they're going to do their job. Look for new condos to start going up to over 130 stories along the waterfront this spring. Be sure to say goodbye to the waterfront now: from then on you'll have to pay to see it.

I've also decided to replace some of you with Chinese citizens who vote like they're told. You'll get something in the mail about it. It's just a pilot program. We'll see how it works in 2014.

BART's management team made a terrible mistake during the strike. When those two men were killed by a train, BART should have taken credit immediately. It's the only way people know you mean business. Send mixed signals, and you always end up having to compromise down the line.

I always got what I wanted in labor negotiations because everybody knew there's no such thing as coincidences.

Aside from being election winners, what do New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, New York mayor-elect Bill de Blasio, and Detroit mayor-elect Mike Duggan all have in common?

They're all white men who owe me favors.

There's no paper trail to prove it, but, in your heart you know it's true.

San Francisco has some of the tech companies, but we don't have all of the tech companies.

I'm working on that.

The trouble is that we have all of the homeless people, and trying to put them in the same place doesn't always work out so good.

That's why I'm really supporting these programs that teach homeless people to code.

The harder we make it to tell programmers apart from homeless people, the more we can snatch up the last few tech holdouts. Turns out it's pretty easy: a lot of techies already have terrible hygiene, drug problems, and mumble incoherently.

My new hat is really sharp. Hookers love it.

Movie time:

"Last Vegas" made me smile. Movies about Vegas usually do. I'm a sucker for any story where the house always wins.

"Escape Plan" stars Sylvester Stallone and our former governor. I think this is Arnold's best work in years, but I'm mostly comparing it to old State of the State speeches.

I was shocked to learn that the older hotels in town whose restaurants are unionized now charge a 22 percent gratuity for banquets. That's almost as much as I charge to show up to those same banquets. Maybe I need to put out a tip jar whenever I walk in a room.

Benjamin Wachs is a literary Chameleon

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Nicely done. You've captured the old gangster's style in his godawful column perfectly.


Maybe when I get that Sockpuppets into Seatwarmers Charter Amendment on the ballot and kick the Dark Money interests out of Golden Gate Park, I'll get my own Fauxpinion.  I wouldn't suffer. Murphy4Supe (dot) org

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