Jack Spade Executive to San Francisco: You'll Regret Not Having That Rollneck Sweater

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Jack Spade model shows San Francisco what its missing in this Jarrett plaid shirt
By Jack Spade VP Faux Melissa Xides

The Jack Spade team is really disappointed not to be opening our new store in the hip Mission neighborhood, where we know we'd fit in just like a buffalo check dipped utility bag fits with a Milford window pane suit blazer. You know what we're talking about, San Francisco.

But now we'll never get the chance, thanks to the efforts of a bunch of real stick-in-the-mud members of the creative class who -- and we're just saying this here -- could be better dressed. What's the matter, "Chicken" John? Your Brewster rollneck sweater in the wash again?

I'm just kidding.

But seriously: You'll regret not having that sweater for the rest of your life. You'll all regret it, San Francisco. Because without Jack Spade, you'll be the worst-dressed major metropolis in the United States.

Don't come crying to us when people from New Canaan, Connecticut, show you up with their selvage denim raw indigo pants. You'll be all "Wow, what great-fitting pants! Where can I get some?" and they'll say "Jack Spade," and then you'll want to take a Xanax, because that would have been the best $245 you ever spent, but now you can't.

You could have just gone right to the Mission where the awesome book shop used to be. We would have been proud to occupy the space of a local institution like Adobe Books. It's one of the reasons we had them evicted. Have you no respect for your history? But it's too late now. We're gone. And, not to twist the knife, but our $165 embossed paisley tie case is gone forever, too. And everyone from New Canaan will be laughing at you, because what have you got?

We try not to take rejection personally, San Francisco, but you called us a "chain store," and that hurts, because we have our own unique brand identity. We have a certification from McKinsey Consulting saying our brand is distinctive and appeals to stylish urbanites. Just like you. Their focus group was enormous, multi-ethnic, and really with it. The kind of market leaders who got a sneak peak at the season finale of Breaking Bad, which is a show that surveys indicate 85 percent of you like.

So I guess you feel pretty foolish now, don't you, kicking us out after such an amazing focus group and industry leading consulting firm vouched for us. You can't buy that kind of credibility.

So what was your problem? How could you possibly prefer a book store that didn't even sell iPhone cases, for crying out loud, to a leading distributor of stylish men's wear geared to the 19 to 35 demographic? Fuck, San Francisco, selling iPhone accessories makes us even more of a bookstore than they were, since iPhones are what books are now. You were supposed to love us. We had it in writing. You were contractually obligated to love us, which is the best kind of love.

And in return we were going to rock your world. We would have thrown off-the-hook parties at our store. There would have been DJs playing only the very top alternative hits. Nothing ethnic. We would have served tapas. And had food trucks parked outside. Where else would you find a party with food trucks in the Mission?

Admit it, San Francisco: You need us like a cool 25-year-old guy with disposable income needs a pair of Fair Isle Convertible Mittens for $145.

But it's never going to happen. We're taking our business elsewhere. And now you'll never have a way to get our clothes.

Unless you go online. Is that a thing you do here?

Benjamin Wachs is a literary chameleon




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16 comments
Sumi Allen
Sumi Allen

It's SF. Give up, they're not known for doing anything that's remotely attractive. Ask Danielle Steele.

shaun.osburn
shaun.osburn

Queue the "gentrification is a good thing" / "poor people don't deserve to live in sf" / trolls in 3, 2, 1 ...

John LaForgia
John LaForgia

The second he puts his arms up, that shirt is gonna look like he bought in the children's department. Sleeves are too short and it's got a weird flare at the hem. Bad cut, fit or model...take your pick.

Kevin Kirby
Kevin Kirby

The point is not that the city can't use yet another fashion shop. They deliberately forced a popular bookstore out, to take over their location like parasites.

Todd Ganser
Todd Ganser

Newsflash: SF is already the worst dressed town in the US—with or without Jack Spade.

Russell D. Kurson
Russell D. Kurson

All I wear are LEE jeans with a long sleeve tee, and a Carhartt jacket when its cooler in the evening.

Alejandro Durazo
Alejandro Durazo

Get out of here with that hipster chit! Open a store on Chestnut if you feel so inclined.

Javier Leocadio Colón
Javier Leocadio Colón

The joke is on them... because 2nd to Portland... San Francisco is the worst dressed city in the US! Where else can you see people wearing pink spandex pants, a denim button up long sleeve shirt, a raincoat and glasses without lenses??? Only here and Portland baby...

Zac Ray
Zac Ray

You could buy that outfit at Old Navy for $20 on clearance.

johnny137
johnny137 topcommenter

F_ck Chicken John and his blindly loyal followers. You're all being duped.

johnnybegood
johnnybegood

@johnny137 If only Jack Spade had catered more to the seeing impaired, but alas...oh cruel fates, what could have been!

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