How to Survive a Strike in Oakland, BART and All

With BART workers ready to strike, along with pretty much the whole damn city of Oakland, today will either be the worst day of your life, or the best, depending on whether or not you are walking distance to the beach.

But if you decide to crawl outside your dark bunker (a.k.a. studio apartment) and expose yourself to the light heat come Monday morning, here's our best advice for how to survive an entire 24 hours without basic transportation or city services:

  • Expect streets and highways to be filled with cars driven by thousands of stiffed BART passengers trying to carry on with their day. If you are ditching work, but still need to make it to Target, get up at the crack-ass of dawn, make some coffee to go and throw on that Enya mix you recently rediscovered.

  • Look, all 671 intersection of Oakland's traffic signals are as reliable as two broken legs -- and there won't be any city workers to repair them. In short: the potential gridlock is frightening. Also, the Oakland cops are not part of this strike, so, yes, rolling through those red-light camera intersections with your middle finger up is still a really dumb idea.

  • Since a bevy of Oakland city operations will be "out of service" tomorrow, you should brace yourself for potential lawlessness, This is our way of letting you know you can double park in front of the post office while paying off those overdue parking tickets.

  • The Parks and Rec people won't be patrolling the parks to clean up after you either, so now might be a good time for you to start learning how to pick up after your lazy ass, starting with your own dog's poop when it relieves itself in the city park. Don't forget to hashtag of all your litter before tossing it.

  • Head Start: The city program that aims to instill social skills and school readiness into children ages three to five will also cease operations on Monday. Screw it. We challenge you to ditch work and spend the entire day with your kid -- you can thank the labor unions later.

  • With the BART strike starting the morning after San Francisco Gay Pride, it's really important that you have chosen your one-night-stand wisely. There will not be a 6 a.m. BART train to escape from last night's let's-celebrate-DOMA-was-struck-down hookup, which makes the walk of shame all that much trickier.

  • And finally, the workers and crews who regularly patrol Oakland's infrastructure systems, including sewage processing and handling (yuck), won't be at work either. So basically if the main waste line beneath your block craps out on you, it'll be at least a day before a city worker comes to your assistance. Call it municipal constipation. So what should you do? Avoid questionable food intake, obviously. Consider celery for dinner instead of Coconut Curry. And for God's sake, lay off the prune juice.

SF Weekly's Joseph Geha contributed to this report.

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