Tax Day Is Here, Go Get All Your Free Crap While Hating on the 1 Percent
We can't really blame you for spending the weekend hiking or drinking in the sun instead of indoors crunching numbers for your taxes -- that's what accountants are for, right? But sadly, your fun in the sun has come to an end, and so has your time to procrastinate paying the government.
When it's free
Fortunately, for your dawdlers, some local post offices are going to stay open late (being paid by our taxes) to assist all of you who can't seem to get their shit together before Tax Day.
The sooner you file away, then sooner you can start collecting your rewards, which includes free fries and a massage.
See Also: Trojan Makes Doing Taxes Pleasurable
Here's a roundup of all the free things you will get today that might help make Tax Day a little less taxing.
- Start the day with a movie and get free popcorn at AMC Theaters. You really need to stop crunching numbers and start crunching popcorn.
- After a nice flick, get some fries at Arby's. Wait, this is backwards. Shouldn't your ass be leaner and your bank account fatter?
- At 3 p.m., you can swing by the Federal Reserve Building to lament the system with Occupy SF. There, folks will discuss how unfair life is and how screwed up it is that the rich are even richer today, while all you got was heartburn.
- By now, you will need a good massage to break up all that Tax Day tension. Of course, you can't afford one, especially now. But you can afford one if you head over to Planet Fitness in Richmond where they'll massage away your money woes for free.
- Now, it's time to emotionally eat (again). Finish your stressful day with a nice, free meal with American-style Chinese food at Panda Express.
- And for dessert, you can stuff your face at Cinnabon where between 6 p.m. and 8 p.m., Cinnabon down at Tanforan Mall in San Bruno, will give you two free sugary, fatty bites.
Too bad you didn't do your taxes last week, because now might be a good time to go home to your free vibrator.