"Let me be clear. I want a girlfriend. But, I don't really want a girlfriend." Swooning yet, ladies?
So begins the latest example of the boundless wonders of Craigslist's personal ads. In an ad posted a week ago, a 28-year-old dude from the Mission says he is seeking a "holiday girlfriend" to "do all of those cute snuggly things with, someone to get fat and keep warm next to (let's also recognize that it's getting fucking cold here), and someone to accompany you to your friends' coupley holiday parties so they don't keep thinking you're a loser destined for permanent solo status."
This relationship, according to the anonymous author, would end at 11:59 p.m. on Jan. 2, 2012.
We should make it clear that we don't use the term "dude" above lightly: This gentleman is clearly an avowed brosephine. He describes himself as "28 years old, small business owner, active (cyclist, surfer, snowboarder), outgoing, easy on the eyes." Damn, bro. And he cooks, too! But that's not all:
Love taking photos? Sweet. Let's wear gaudy holiday attire and make ridiculous Xmas postcards to send your friends and family. Just for the lulz. Worried about finding someone to kiss on New Year's Eve who doesn't look (or sound) like Sloth's cousin? Boom! Got you covered.
Now, before you rush off to reply to this young gallant, take a good long look into your souls, girls. Because one of this man's "Dealbreakers" is "prudishness." But if you feel like you possess the requisite promiscuity, and general susceptibility to laughably pathetic gimmicks to get laid, go ahead and apply. (He requests a picture and 250-word biography.)
If it works out, you have this to look forward to after Jan. 2: Once the relationship ends, according to Broseidon, "we can still be friends (unless we hate each other, then we can downshift to the occasional drunken booty call)." Now that's class.