Muni Masturbation: A Pissed-Off Rider's Beef

Categories: WTF?
Getting off on Muni.
Minutes ago, I prematurely jumped off the 8X Muni rumbling down Powell on the way to Fisherman's Wharf after I got my surprise of the day. In a daze that only sets in after riding a frustratingly slow bus across the entire city, I glanced back at a stoned-looking dude sitting alone in the back seat, whose air-brushed rhinestone-encrusted T-shirt had caught my eye a few blocks earlier because it read, in part, "fleshy."

A few blocks later, I casually glanced back at him and saw some unnecessary manual maneuvering happening in his groin area. I looked down and saw something that I first recognized as a cigar (laugh if you must).

Close, but no cigar. A half-second later, I realized that was no Cuban.    

You could say this cock sighting, uhhh, jerked me out of my daze. A sort of "What the fuck?" look passed on my face, probably giving the dude exactly the reaction he'd wanted.

I was pissed I hadn't had the foresight to snap a photo and post it on this blog. But I was mostly pissed because this is not the first time this has happened. Actually, it's déjà vu. And it sucks.

Transit-riding ladies, can I get a holla?

It seems public transit is one of the last bastions where men can get away with being pigs in public. And, like those politicians who tweet shots of their crotches, it seems only men are sexualizing our transit rides. Unless I'm missing something, though many women get off Muni, I don't think many women are getting off on Muni.

A couple years ago, I was riding BART home after 11 p.m., and same thing -- I look over at a dazed-looking young guy a couple seats away, my gaze drifts down to some rustling about in his cock region, and BAM: BART cock sighting.

At least in Seattle the bus pervs have the tact to cover their indiscretions with our sister paper, Seattle Weekly.

We're not the only country that has problems with the transit pervs. When I was studying in Mexico in college, I noticed one morning that one guy kept sitting down by different women on the bus. Seconds later, the women abruptly got up and moved seats. I didn't figure out was happening until the guy sat next to me and started -- wait for it -- stroking my feet through my sandals.

That was almost sweet in comparison to transit in Mexico City, so notorious for unwanted sexual advances that the city started running "women-only" buses. My sister and I once got on a subway car so jam-packed we literally were grinding with the people in front and behind us. Once the train got moving I asked my sister why she was rhythmically pushing up against me. "Lauren, you have no idea what's going on right now," she responded. The man behind her was dry-humping her, which, on such a packed train car, created the chain effect of her humping me, me humping the person in front of me, and so on and so on. A mass orgy on rails. At least that was funny.  

I thought perhaps such things would end in San Francisco, but it turns out the city's sex-positive vibe continues to its rails and buses. In 2011, the cocks are still treating themselves to the full-on two-stroke engine.

C'mon, readers, let's hear your tales.

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26 comments
Jr Deputy Accountant
Jr Deputy Accountant

Thank God you wrote this!! I live in Washington, DC now but spent 11+ years in San Francisco and had more than my fair share of nasty jerking off experiences over the years!

My office manager used to joke that he was going to get me a "don't nut in my hair" t-shirt after all the times I would come into work complaining that some random guy was rubbing one out in my presence. "Something about you must say 'jerk off next to me,'" he told me, and I agreed with him because it also happened to me on a few SamTrans buses and a Milwaukee bus back when I was 18.

This old man (and I mean ancient) used to jerk off on the 19 Polk just about every morning... like why would you find the 19 Polk to be sexy in the first place?!?! I get sometimes you just have to rub one out but REALLY?! The 19 Polk? Eww. I got on the bus at Civic Center and smelled that familiar sex smell. I looked around the bus trying to figure out who had gotten some that morning... was it the hipster dbag flipping through his iPod? The FiDi suit? The scruffy lesbian?

I worked at the Wharf at the time so as the bus emptied and the sex smell lingered, I was stumped as to where it was coming from. Then, to my horror, just one stop from the last stop, I turned around and saw this old man going at himself. You could tell he wasn't doing it to actually get off, but was figuratively getting off on doing it on the bus anyway. I will never forget that sight. It was half hard in his hand, wrinkled and shriveled and, well, pathetic. Had it not been such a sad scene, I would have screamed at him.

Instead, I quietly exited the bus.

Safe to say I have not had to witness a single man jerking off in the almost year I've lived in DC now, excluding those who I have given permission to.

God bless Muni, and God bless all of you San Franciscans who put up with this every day and accept it.

Mike R
Mike R

I rode a bus from saint louis to chicago once. sat next to a cute guy. After the bus got dark, I placed a blanket over me because it was cold. One thing led to another, and I eventually blew the guy under the blanket. Blew him to completion! Don't remember if I swallowed or spit. Maybe I swallowedl

skankonia
skankonia

Black folks seem especially adept at this sort of behavior.

Enjoying the ride
Enjoying the ride

I was also studying in Mexico city, and what you describe is so true !!! Riding the metro was fun !!!

Tengu49
Tengu49

A while back when they had bay bridge closer and bart ran a lil later on the weekend, i did witness a drunkin young white female buck naked running down up and down the train doing cartwheels. LAMO pleasant distraction...

Elizabethfrantes
Elizabethfrantes

Men feel entitled to sexually abuse women everywhere.  On the streets, in buses, in all public and private places . ..  and if we react at all, we're called all sorts of names . .. it's time to FIGHT BACK and when men get the message that women are sick of their abuse, and will use any and all methods to get them to stop .. .they will.  If it takes women running in gangs beating the crap out of creeps, then we must .. . or face the fact that men won't stop hassling YOU and YOUR daughters  because they know it's wrong.  They don't care.  And remember that rapists always "test" vics .. . so if you fight, scream abuse back, they'll go look for a "nicer" less violent target.

Guest
Guest

Baltimore public transportation is 20X worse. If a guy jerks off in front of me (it has happened three times despite the cameras on the bus, subway, or light rail) I always tell him the truth (with my pepper spray held aloft): "Tiny Tim got the turkey, but, shortman, you're not getting shit." But in Baltimore I have faced outrageous fights that threaten the lives of everyone on the bus and once a dude sitting behind me vomited full force on the back of my head. I emptied a can of pepper spray into his face and when he went to strike me I whipped him over and over again with the heel of my shoe directly into his blistering face. Intentionally vomiting on someone (he'd done this before) is assault and I WILL protect myself. I feel like I'm a warrior on public transportation. Maybe one of these days I'll learn how to drive.

PS: Our struggles as women with sexist penis-exposing PDA may be one of the reasons why so many women cheered when a wife recently cut her husband's penis off and put it in the garbage disposal. But such revenge acts are just as bad and mutilation is horrible, regardless of the sex.

bluecanary1
bluecanary1

Did you yell at this asshole and publicly shame him?  Did your sister elbow the dry-humper in the face as hard as she could?  Sitting quietly or just moving is what these guys expect you to do.  They expect YOU will be too embarrassed to act.  If you don't stand up for yourself, what incentive is there for them to stop this ridiculous behavior?  If any guy on muni started rubbing on me, he'd be picking his teeth up off the ground.

I've never been assaulted on muni, but I did have a guy on Market Street try to grab me.  My response, after fending him off, was to turn on him and unleash such a torrent of verbal abuse that everyone on the block stopped and took notice of this vermin.  Only a nearby cop stopped me from kicking his ass.  And I'm not big nor particularly dangerous, I was just outraged.

Think he'll do that again? No, he won't, because my drawing attention to this asshole is why he's now stuck indefinitely in a state facility.  Which is where all these disgusting perverts belong.

If I had kept my mouth shut and just gone about my business, he'd still be groping women.  Stand up for yourself or nothing will change.

Natra Zeryihun
Natra Zeryihun

lol @ "mass orgy on rails". You should have chopped of his member and tossed it in a garbage disposal. good story, thanks for sharing

Natra Zeryihun
Natra Zeryihun

lol @ "mass orgy on rails". You should have chopped off his member and tossed it in a garbage disposal.

sfjohn
sfjohn

Umm - ok here's two: 1)  'Lady' giving a guy a BJ on cable car - witnessed by others                                2)  'Lady' arousing her guy on Muni underground, then leading him off by his boner as if he were a god on a leash.Public transit ISN'T just 'the last bastion were men can get away with being pigs in public", dear

randyfleming
randyfleming

These ladies were regulars , likely , at past LovEvolution events and will now have to trek to Oakland , for same/same.

AMWfan
AMWfan

A couple months ago I was on the 71 off Market & 4th. I hopes on the bus to see a very tall African American dude standing in the middle of the bus. He was wearing a white tank top, pants, and a black jacket draped across his shoulder holding on to the rail with one hand. The only other passagers were a late-twenty-somethings very conservatively dressed asian couple with a very young baby in a carseat on their lap. The dude standing was giving me odd vibes so I intentionally checked out his reflection in the window (it was dark at 9PM) and saw his entire penis erect that was stroking behind his jacket. The worst was the 4 of us adults were the only ones riding the bus at the time so he must have been jacking off to the baby/mother? Right after I realized what was going on I walked up the female Muni driver and told her. He didnt seem fazed and simply got on her intercom and said "you with the white shirt, exit the bus".

Gelllberd
Gelllberd

im actually on the buss jackin it right now..hhahaahhaah suckas.

Rude Muni
Rude Muni

Sat next to an elderly woman on the 22 who after 10 minutes shit herself next to me. I heard. I smelled. I saw. I literally got up and threw up at the next stop.

Jen
Jen

I was on a pretty full 38 Geary one night, must have been around 11:00 pm? I was sitting on the side seats parallel to the aisle that face the exit doors and the dude RIGHT NEXT TO ME on my left kept shifting his gym bag on his lap. I looked over to see why he kept shifting around and lo and behold, he was jerking off--I unfortunately had too-good an angle to see exactly what was going on. Whether that was his intention or not, I tried to not react so I wouldn't a) cause a ruckus on the bus and b) give him that satisfaction, if that was what he was looking for (or maybe the guy really thought he was being discreet?). Again, the bus was pretty full so I couldn't easily swap seats, so I exited the bus a good 4 stops early once I deemed it safe to walk the rest of the way home. I was so disgusted; not something you want to see from just any ol' joe, fellahs! I like to choose beforehand the genitalia I come across...

randyfleming
randyfleming

Considering this city's political climate of late ; shouldn't this person have some form of 'protected class' status ? Seems reasonable , considering. Just asking.

neutral_corner
neutral_corner

Similar story, I was living in L.A., working at CityBeat on Wilshire, and taking my usual lunch at Koo Koo Roo (think Boston Market) by the La Brea Tar Pits (no, really). 

While waiting for my order, I went to use the bathroom. As I was washing my hands at a sink adjacent to the wall for the handicapped stall, the space between the divider and the wall allowed me to catch a reflection in the immaculately scrubbed and polished glazed tile on the wall of the employee who was - shall we say - giving himself a rather vigorous "congratulatory handshake" as he was seated on the bowl. 

Needless to say, I left the order at the counter and never returned to the chicken roaster again. 

decks
decks

when i lived in NYC and was taking the 1/9 (as it was then) home to the Bronx after midnight, i was alone in the train car aside from one dude way at the other end of the car. as the train approached a stop, he got up and walked the length car despite several exits closer to his seat. i was in my own post-partying daze, so it was at the last second that i realized he had his dick flopping around outside his pants, presumably on display for me. from then on, i just partied all night instead of riding home after hours.

MsMaggieMayhem
MsMaggieMayhem

I've had my share of creepy dudes on Public Transit but my all time worst experience ever happened during my commute from Oakland to San Francisco on BART. It was early in the morning when I boarded at the MacArthur station. I took a set in front of someone who was pretty clearly homeless and commenced my early morning psuedo nap. When we got to Embarcadero, an exiting passenger tapped me on the shoulder and told me that the gentlemen seated behind me had been removing bugs from his body and dropping them onto my hair and seat for the whole ride. 

I turned my head to look at the linen covered seat. At first I didn't see anything but there they were crawling all over: lice. The person behind me had been dropping lice right into my hair for about 15 minutes straight. I wound up calling in sick to work so that I could by a lice treatment and a bottle of whiskey and head home to shower repeatedly. 

Although it wasn't sexual, I can't imagine that it would be as likely that a man would pick lice off of his body and drop them onto a napping male passenger. 

AlexisG
AlexisG

This is the most scary, disgusting, awful BART story I have ever heard. I am so sorry for you - yuck!!!!!!!!

MsMaggieMayhem
MsMaggieMayhem

It's why I'm *really* uncomfortable with the cloth seat covers. When you think of the number of people on that commute who sat down on the same lice-ridden seat as I did...I don't even want to think about that. I just don't mind standing any more. 

bluecanary1
bluecanary1

I agree, I don't know who thought cloth seat covers were a good idea -- obviously someone who doesn't ride BART, because those seats are just gross. 

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