No Fireworks for You, San Francisco!

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USA! USA! USA!

​Somewhere in the primordial id of every American lurks a deranged teenage boy. He likes blowing things up. And that means he loves the Fourth of July -- and since he is us, so do we.

Large-scale fireworks shows all tend to blend into one, like Barack Obama speeches you've forgotten the specifics the moment they're over. All you remember is that you felt good about something. What's memorable, though, are episodes in which you get to light the wicks with your own hand, hurl the incendiaries, or -- yes, this is autobiographical -- run like hell from the enraged, barefoot landlord who took exception to the detonation of Texas Pop Rockets in the air ducts of his domicile.

Yes, this would be illegal in present-day San Francisco. But, intriguingly, so would blowing up damn near anything.

In San Francisco, not surprisingly, possession of fireworks is illegal. This is per Section 1290 of the Municipal Police Code (which goes back all the way to 1938):

No person or persons, firm, company, corporation, or association shall fire or discharge any firearms or fireworks of any kind or description within the limits of the City and County of San Francisco. Provided, however, that public displays of fireworks may be given with the joint written consent of the Fire Marshal and the Chief of Police.

But "fireworks" and "firecrackers" aren't exactly synonymous, are they? According to the state's Health and Safety Code, they are: "Firecrackers" are one of more than 20 types of "dangerous fireworks" we're prohibited to possess. Other no-nos include "Sparklers more than 10 inches in length or one-fourth of one inch in diameter"; "Chasers, including all devices which dart or travel about the surface of the ground during discharge"; and "All fireworks designed and intended by the manufacturer to create the element of surprise upon the user. These items include, but are not limited to, auto-foolers, cigarette loads, exploding golf balls, and trick matches."

Well, that's pretty much everything, isn't it? But wait -- there are ways to get in even more trouble this weekend!



Per the Health and Safety Code, anything larger than "50 milligrams or .772 grains" isn't a firecracker, but an explosive device. Also:

Possession of these dangerous fireworks is a misdemeanor and is punishable by fines of $1,000.00 and up to a year in County Jail (12700 H&S). Giving or selling fireworks to juveniles enhances the penalties (12702a H&S). Possession of a large enough quantity (more than 100 firecrackers) qualifies as a felony and mandates fines of more than $5,000 and a year in State Prison (12702 c H&S).

And, finally, "placing, throwing, discharging, or igniting dangerous fireworks in a place, at a person, or in a crowd where injury to others is likely to occur is a misdemeanor with enhanced penalties (12680 H&S)."

Sorry, San Francisco. Your entire childhood has been retroactively declared illegal.

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