Charlie Sheen's S.F. 'Torpedo of Truth' Show: Top Five Things Most Likely to Happen

​If you're anything like us, dear reader, you've been following the messianic rumblings of The Odyssey That Is Charlie Sheen with some interest. Who better than this self-described High Priest Vatican Assassin Warlock to lead the ranks of us feeble, workaday souls against the army of fools and trolls conspiring against our interests?

Now comes the good news: Sheen is to deliver some manner of Sermon on the Mount in San Francisco, where he will make a stop on April 30 at Nob Hill's Masonic Auditorium during his My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not an Option tour.

So far, Sheen has been coy about exactly what he plans to do during these performances. Here is the terse description on ticket-seller Live Nation's Web site: "Will there be surprises? Will there be guests? Will there be mayhem? Will you ask questions? Will you laugh? Will you scream? Will you know the truth?"

Here are some of our best guesses as to what might unfold:

1. A strafing run on Supervisor Eric Mar -- that most notorious of elected "soft targets" -- in his underwear, before his first cup of coffee.

2. "My Violent Torpedo of Truth" carries an unavoidable phallic suggestion, and this is, after all, historically licentious San Francisco. We can only hope that Sheen isn't planning to take a page from the playbook of local erotic performers and offer us a performance that really will make a lot of people scream.

3. Chances are good, we believe, that San Francisco Giants closer Brian Wilson -- whom Sheen has anointed as a fellow Vatican assassin -- will play some role in the local incarnation of Sheen's show. Given Wilson's averred taste in gloves made from the fur of mythical creatures, we predict an Apocalypse Now-style sacrifice of a Himalayan yeti.

4. Where Wilson goes, The Machine must inevitably follow. Sheen explained during a recent Ustream rant, "My fucking thing is gold, platinum, and diamonds, and whatever other fucking precious gem that falls out of fucking losers' butt holes." Could this be a clue to an extraction procedure he plans to perform onstage upon San Francisco's favorite leather-clad sidekick, perhaps dispersing his treasures among audience members afterward?

5. Nothing. The truth is that we're less than hopeful Sheen will even reach San Francisco. It's the second-to-last of 19 scheduled shows in cities across the country, and the discipline that confines ordinary superstars to their touring schedules simply does not govern the Warlock in Chief.

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