Barry Bonds' Mistress Tells of Shrunken Testicles, Violent Outbursts

Barry is now, literally, facing a two-ball count...
As predicted, Barry Bonds' testicles got their day in court.

This morning the slugger's longtime mistress, Kimberly Bell, touched on not just the size but also the shape of Bonds' balls -- shriveled and misshapen for those scoring at home -- but also claimed the former Giants star blamed steroids for a 1999 injury, sprouted back acne, shaved off excessive chest hair, lost his mojo in the sack, and became ever more petulant as time went by.

Bonds, his mistress claims, threatened to rip out her breast implants -- as "he paid for them."

How will the slugger's all-star team of defense attorneys counter such damning claims? The strategy will be as sophisticated as a Three Stooges plotline. Says University of San Francisco law professor Bob Talbot, the only thing to do at this point is paint Bell as a gold-digging harlot hoping to squeeze one last payday out of Bonds. 

"If she's believed, [the prosecution] has gone a long way to proving their case. But the whole question is credibility," he says. "If she is believed, this puts a nail in the coffin. But that's a big if. She has some serious background problems."

It behooves the defense, therefore, to go "digging into her background and hurting her credibility. Showing she's a gold-digger, she wasn't to be trusted in things she did with her life, and everything is geared toward making money from Barry Bonds -- and that is her motive all along." While Bell was subpoenaed and had little choice of whether to testify in the trial, Talbot predicts the defense will push the notion that Bell stands to gain by making her time on the witness stand tabloid-worthy.

"The more dramatic, the more salacious her testimony, the more of a celebrity she becomes," he says.

Predicting the outcome of the trial at this point would be a bit like calling the pennant race in July. But Talbot is willing to make a pitch.

"This is a long shot. But it'll probably be easier to find him guilty about lying about being injected than lying knowingly about steroids," he says. "So there could be a compromised verdict on that. He's guilty about injecting himself and lying about it, and not guilty or a hung jury on the steroids."

Legally, that hypothetical outcome would be far better for Bonds than the worst perjury scenario he faces. But, in the court of public opinion, it'd be a big strikeout.

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Robert Belcher
Robert Belcher

In the words of SamsonJudges 14:18

If you had not plowed with my heifer you would not know these things

Millard Baker
Millard Baker

Now it looks like judge might throw out Bell's testicle testimony because of contradictory testimony. She may have lied under oath before grand jury about the 50% reduction in ball size...

The irony is that it involves the same grand jury to which the government alleges Barry Bonds lied to about his steroid use.

Joe Smith
Joe Smith

If he couldn't get it up that was probably because he was looking at you. That is one ugly groupie!!!

Joe Smith
Joe Smith

If he couldn't get it up it have been because he was looking at you. One ugly groupie!!!

h. brown
h. brown

Ever heard of OJ Simpson?

The public gets oh so tired of these decade long persecutions of someone merely because they are black men with a fortune who put the weenie to white girls. Maybe you can't call this one in July, Joe but I can certainly call it in March. The jury takes about an hour ... maybe a couple if they want to have a last meal on the Feds ... then, Bonds walks.

It's good the trial is in the Tenderloin where the stench from other human excrement blends right in.

How about hemorrhoids? Why haven't we been treated to a picture of the man's anal egress? Can we see the judge's clit? How about Novitsky's dingleberries?

These are all equally important questions and we have a right to those photos and to that information.

Is that gross? Well, you can't get lower than the government has gotten. There should be a stipulation that neither the friggin' judge nor any of the lawyers or the jury should be able to make a dime off this travesty.

Go Giants!



I CANNOT WAIT to watch late night talk shows tonight.

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