Trent Baalke Is 49ers' GM. Quelle Surprise!

Huh. Didn't see that coming.

​Yesterday, the San Francisco 49ers concluded their comprehensive search for a new general manager without leaving the training facility. In-house favorite Trent Baalke was hired to fill the vacant position -- a move only slightly less predictable than the plotline of a Popeye cartoon.

What other amazing developments are pending in 49erland?

• Team retains red and gold as uniform colors

• Players, coaches continue to credit supreme being for their workplace success

• Players, coaches mention team's "great tradition"

• Cheerleaders wear short skirts, tall boots

• Nostalgia...

  ​Team continues to endeavor to score more points than its opponents and, thus, win

• Niners play home contests in lovable old shithole Candlestick Park

• The team's nickname, 49ers, will still be a reference to Gold Rush times

• The ball the team plays with continues to be longer than it is wide

• Touchdowns remain seven points. Field goals are three. Safeties are two. How many points is a drop-kick?

• Team continues to stink

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