What Will San Francisco Ban Next?

​Today, the Board of Supervisors will take a final vote on banning restaurants from giving away toys with Happy Meal-type kiddie orders unless nutritional standards are adhered to. Barring any last-minute changes of heart worthy of bad-guy wrestlers, the motion will pass, 8-3 -- a veto-proof majority.

This comes on the heels of San Francisco opting to remove sugary sodas from machines on city-owned land and forbidding pharmacies from hawking tobacco.

Naturally, the question arises: What will San Francisco ban next?

• Long-distance relationships. Do you have any idea what kind of carbon condom-print these cause? If Mr. or Mrs. Right isn't in the nine Bay Area counties, get thee to a nunnery. 

• Hostess products. Pure evil. Your parents' generation liked it, so it must be bad. Those caught with Twinkies will be sent to re-education camps -- which, like Hostess products themselves, will last forever.

• Wonder Bread. Parents who serve this spongy filth to their kids will be reported to Child Protective Services.

• Panda Hats. A person who treats his body this way should not be idolized. We must step in, as a city, for the sake of our children.

• Turducken. Remember when John Madden ripped one of these apart with his bare hands on live television? Didn't even think to ask for a goddamn knife? Well, we can't be having that.

• Massive, gas-guzzling SUVs. Unless you're the mayor. And can have your driver park it illegally for you.

• French beer. You're paying premium prices for this? Drunken French students fling that crap into the moats of Medieval fortresses. Get it out of here.

• Crappy coffee. You don't need to tell us how good our coffee is. We're the ones who fucking buy it. We like the gourmet shit.

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