Juan Uribe Bolts For Dodgers
Categories: Sports
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Hey! Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, yeah/
You know you got it if it makes you feel good!
The breakup of the World Champion San Francisco Giants team -- whose players ought never again have to purchase a drink in this here city -- commenced today. Shortstop Juan Uribe -- likely the first man in the universe to be labeled a deadly clutch hitter while batting .149 in the postseason (and it fit!) -- bolted for greener pastures down Chavez Ravine way. The Dodgers inked Uribe to a three-year, $21 million deal. Hopefully that massive payout -- more than doubling his salary -- makes him feel good. Because, you know, he got it.
As for local fans, the blow is always softened by the repetition of the phrase "World Champion San Francisco Giants" a few hundred times.
As for filling Uribe's shoes, the names bandied about in the press include Marco Scutaro, Jose Reyes, the team's own Manny Burriss, and, just for laughs, Derek Jeter.
Giants management must also be saying a little prayer that Pablo Sandoval isn't spending his off season anywhere near a Buca di Beppo.
"World Champion San Francisco Giants, World Champion San Francisco Giants, World Champion San Francisco Giants..."
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