'Where's The Machine?' Guardian Has No Idea.

Categories: Media, Sports
That's not Timmy...
Here's the funny thing about covering athletics or athletic events: If you make even the slightest mistake, you will be exposed as a sporting moron. Over at the Guardian, we don't question Tim Redmond's Giants fan credentials -- but it seems it didn't rub off on Steven T. Jones.

Jones was caught in the awkward spot at yesterday's World Series victory parade of knowing less than Arnold Schwarzenegger about our successful little baseball team.

It all comes down to this: Jones doesn't know what "The Machine" is. It puts us in an odd position to lecture the Guardian about a leather-clad pervert, but we'll do it. Consider this our civic duty of the day.

For reasons best explained by Giants closer Brian "Fear the Beard" Wilson, he has seen fit of late to mention "The Machine" whenever interviewed by the national media. He even had a friend -- possibly teammate Pat Burrell -- walk through the shot in leather undies while he did his regular gig on the FOX Sports chat show The Cheap Seats. In a transcendent interview, Wilson mentioned The Machine to Jim Rome, whipping a black gimp mask out of his back pocket. For Rome, who was legitimately weirded out, it must have been his scariest on-air moment since Jim Everett kicked his ass on live TV.

What is The Machine? It's a character from the film 8MM, a leather-bedecked, gimp mask-wearing snuff movie star. Why does Wilson obsess over him? Same reason he cuts his hair like that and puts Kiwi shoe polish in his beard -- no one knows.

Is this weird? You bet it is. Is it esoteric knowledge? Not really. Searches for "Brian Wilson" and "The Machine" hit "Britney Spears" + "Crotch shot" level during the playoffs. Even the aforementioned Schwarzenegger was in on the joke, mentioning that, as the Terminator, he was not the only machine on the stage yesterday.

Jones, unfortunately, thought "The Machine" was some sort of reference to Tim Lincecum. You needn't be a baseball savant to know Lincecum's nicknames include "The Freak," "The Franchise," and, our favorite, "The Enchanter," -- but not "The Machine." Corrected, Jones later referred to "The Machine" as Wilson's "BDSM neighbor" -- meaning he still doesn't know what The Machine is, and apparently hasn't bothered to find out. 

That's a shame. We think the two would get along. Jones is obsessed with San Francisco's "Death of fun," while The Machine's signature quote is "There's no mystery. Things I do, I do them because I like them! Because I want to!"

Machine, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

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