Best Practices for Having a Baby in San Francisco

Categories: Humor


For couples* under 35 who want to have a baby in San Francisco, relax. What's the rush? Go back to work. Go get a promotion! Look at this article again when you're 35.

Is everyone 35 now? Wonderful. It's time to panic.

Congratulations. You didn't move to Noe Valley and now your baby hates you.
Slaying the Infertility Goddess

First, toy with herbal fertility remedies -- this will be part of your "We so rocked the big city!" bullshit after you move to the suburbs. Experts swear by dong quai and black cohosh for fertility and for anything else you can think of. Fertility yoga is a thing, too, but you can get the same benefit by inventing it in your head and doing it appropriately. After six months of treatments, bid an achingly prolonged, sandalwood-scented farewell to yoni and lingam and desperately Yelp fertility clinics while you still have a chance in hell at this baby making.

Now launch your spreadsheet of preschools and -- what? You don't have a spreadsheet of preschools?

Your Spreadsheet of Preschools

Before you do anything -- even before you read this, so consider stopping -- you should visit preschools and get on as many wait lists as possible. Most babies on there are in utero, anyway. Why shouldn't your unfertilized egg or 80 million sperm get a start date as well? To wow a preschool gatekeeper, just look amazed at how wonderful all the crap is, namedrop Reggio Emilia, pause to do a puzzle and misplace three grand in his sweater vest.

The Birthing Room Diaries

So you're in the delivery room and Mom is lunging toward the drugs. Act fast! Remember your $600 pregnancy course, which focused almost entirely on massage and synchronized breathing to quarantine the pain. Hahahaha. Okay sorry. That was really a lot of money you spent there. Wait, did you bring the scented oils? A whiff of lavender is dynamite for mind-shearing agony. Hahahaha. Okay I'm done here.

Baby Wants to Live Where?

Your baby wants to live in Noe Valley. Some people have three babies in Noe Valley. On weekends you can forget baby in the sidewalk baby parade, go home, tend to your woodworking, try to remember something, snap your fingers and return to find her clamped to any number of breasts. It's also easier to eat when baby is one of 18 at La Boulange. Also, or perhaps "alas," there are no strip clubs in Noe Valley.

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