The Examiner's Hilarious Political Endorsements

Categories: Media, Politics
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God help me, but it's true: I love America's Funniest Home Videos. Thanks to YouTube, you can find more than enough old episodes. You turn the sound off -- be gone, Bob Saget! -- and bliss. It's so predictable, yet so hilarious. Men working on roofs are gonna fall. Skateboarders will not land wheels-down. Rodeo clowns defy the laws of physics. Perfect.

Which brings us to the San Francisco Examiner's endorsements edition. Just like a sporting mishap that results in a nut-shot, they are both predictable -- and hilarious.

Longtime readers may recall the Ex endorsing John McCain in 2008 -- and doing so in language seemingly salvaged from the McKinley era. They will not be disappointed this year.

In the heart of the nation's most liberal city, the Ex endorses just about every Republican candidate, ballot measure, and hobby horse it can. In the Ex's world, San Francisco needs Meg Whitman, Carly Fiorina, raids on marijuana users, the ouster of Nancy Pelosi, and the repeal of the three-fifths compromise (just kidding). This is what happens when your paper is owned by a messianic right-wing billionaire.



The sole Dem-friendly endorsements: No on Prop. 23 (a clear oil-driven subterfuge vehemently opposed by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger); Yes to Treasurer Bill Lockyer (running essentially unopposed); and Yes on Secretary of State Debra Bowen (her Republican opponent, Damon Dunn, has only voted once before in his life. That's odd for a position that largely entails overseeing and administering state elections).

And now, on to our favorite rhetorical flushes:

  • The Ex endorses Whitman and notes that "it is time to make clear that the crowd in Sacramento plans to repeal the two-thirds requirement for approval of a budget or tax increase will not stand. As perilous as California's financial condition is now, allowing state spending and taxes to be increased with a simple majority of state legislators would be insanity." That's interesting. California is one of only three states to require a two-thirds vote to pass a budget. It's one of only 13 states to require a two-thirds vote to raise taxes. How "insane" can a process 94 percent of the nation abides by be?

  • The paper's glowing endorsement of Republican Senate candidate Carly Fiorina introduces her as "the former Hewlett-Packard CEO and breast cancer survivor." Jarring -- the oddest juxtaposition of supposedly positive attributes since "Martha Raye -- comedienne, denture-wearer." Astoundingly, the Ex feels that Fiorina's brush with death somehow uniquely qualifies her for political office. "As a breast cancer survivor, Fiorina knows the agony of uncertainty and the crucial importance of perseverance when the road ahead is foggy." Good Lord, where to begin? Millions of Americans are afflicted with cancer -- but they probably wouldn't think to put it on their resumes. Fiorina's battle is admirable, and, sadly, ongoing. It doesn't translate to the duties required of a Senator, accountant, or bottle-washer. But the Ex's loose comparison of the Senate to a disease -- that says something. 

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