Republican Election Ploy: Gays Marry Goats, Dogs, and ... Clocks?

Categories: Queer
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Dating material perhaps. But you want to marry this?
The Week In Gay

Have you noticed that the midterm election is around the goddamned corner? If your home is like mine you shovel 10 pounds of crap out of the mailbox and into the recycling bin every day; you have stopped answering the phone altogether; and the word "baloney" is officially banned from use.

Another clue: Candidates -- especially Republicans -- can't stop talking about the gays!

Not only are they talking about gays, but they are talking about gay marriage -- the one topic that isn't really on any political agenda this election, but it sure is a great way to sound like a hardass or religious zealot. Of course, Republicans aren't alone in playing the gay card, but they do set the standard in doublespeak.

Remember back in 2004 -- right before the election -- when George Bush pretended to support civil unions during a chat on Good Morning America? Well, Barack Obama remembers.

President Obama had a pow-wow with five bloggers this week in which he stated that his views on same-sex marriage are evolving as he witnesses gays around him at the White House that have partners and even raise children. All of that exposure to gayness is making him evolve.

He never thought about gay people being just like everyone else until very recently ... oops! Except for that time in 1996 when he was running for state senate and said he supported same-sex MARRIAGE. But I guess we are supposed to forget we know about that.

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Can you change back to the way you felt in '96?
And while we are forgetting things, remember to forget that Bush had the same position in 2004 as Obama has now.  And ignore the fact that candidates all over the country are bashing gay people constantly while Obama presents himself like he's a fucking half-baked pizza -- with the promise that some day he will be fully baked.

Those other candidates? Rebecca Kleefisch is running for Lieutenant Governor of Wisconsin. She cites the slippery slope theory of gay marriage that will lead to people into wanting to marry dogs and inanimate objects.

As long as we can get divorced from the end table, it's not a problem though, eh, Ms. Kleefisch? Don't forget -- we must maintain the clause that allows good Christians to stab the Lord in the back.

Divorce isn't getting a pass from Nevada Republican Sharron Angle -- the candidate running for Senate against Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid. Angle humps her Bible and moans about terrible government programs and the evils of divorce and the dangers of the abandonment of man/woman flesh merging.

If Reid can't find a way to beat Angle, do we really want him in the Senate?

In Iowa there is a no holds barred campaign to unseat three state supreme court justices who decided in favor of same-sex marriage. The National Organization of Marriage is on a bus tour (aka: witch hunt) in Iowa and this week they compare gay marriage to triangles and squares, and to marrying goats or cameras. These people are really creative with their assholery. 

EXTRA CREDIT! Don't miss this conversation held on an east Texas local news broadcast: "Will acceptance of gays destroy America?" and this story about Arkansas school board member Clint McCance who suggested that gay students should get AIDS and die.

Take your sweet, deliberate time with that "evolution" Mr. President. Your bold and principled position is very impressive.

Even more impressive are brothers Zsolt and Sebastyen Jackovics, the proprietors of a number of Gold's Gym locations in the Bay Area. A controversy took the gym-going community by storm this week: Golds Gym's corporate overlords gave millions of dollars to a Karl Rove right-wing candidate fund!

The brothers, who own local franchises of the gyms, are going to sever ties with the evil gym bastards as soon as they can. And until then, they will match every dollar paid to forces of darkness with a donation to LGBT charities.

That's almost enough to make me stop using my Jane Fonda Workout tapes. Almost.



Finally -- just so you don't think that everything in San Francisco is peachy and people are loving the queers round the clock -- the local ABC affiliate broadcast a story about a complete jackass employee at the Department of Motor Vehicles who sent a letter to a transgendered customer that was in the office to update her name on her drivers license. The letter quotes that silly Bible, talks about how gays should die and that being transgendered is evil.

The DMV continues to live up to its reputation as the warehouse of assholes.

Patrick Connors is an uppity fag who wonders why people can't keep their superstitious malarkey to themselves and just do their goddamned jobs.

Follow him on Twitter at @UppityFag and @TheSnitchSF    
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