Mystery Feces Spur Police Call

Help! Police!

​Sooner or later every cop has to take that call. You think about it when you button up the uniform in the morning and when you shut off the light at night. But it's inevitable. And, yesterday, it came for the Ingleside Station: The dreaded feces-related vandalism report.

At 8:30 a.m. sharp, a woman called in from the 300 block of Harkness Avenue in Visitacion Valley claiming "an unknown person threw feces on the windshield of her vehicle when it was parked and unattended."

Sadly, the chances of flushing out the feces-thrower appear to be crappy. When SF Weekly called the station house to question what manner of feces were deposited on the victim's windshield we were told that information was not available. When we asked whether it was human feces or dog feces, the response was, "How can you tell human feces and dog feces apart?"

Apparently they don't teach that course at the Police Academy anymore.