Everyone Sing the Bay Area Media Songs!

Joyce Goldschmid

Get out your banjo, Warren, and sing the company song!

​On May 26, financier Warren Hellman invited throngs of hangers-on to a Great American Music Hall bash to celebrate the launch of the Bay Citizen, the news nonprofit he tossed $5 million.

The highlight, apparently, was an official Bay Citizen company song written and performed by Hellman himself, a man known for investing in east Asia, where company song singing and listening are strictly enforced.

Accordingly, writes SFGate's Katie Baker, "attendants circulated through the crowd while he sang, asking everyone to be quiet during the performance" of  "Hardly Strictly News."

Creepy? You decide.

To keep Hellman from pulling too far from the pack, The Snitch has written Hellman-like bluegrass company song choruses for a smattering of local media. Feel free to contribute your own versions in the comments:

Now, with music!

​
The very best chorus will receive a free copy of Tera Patrick's new book Sinner Takes All, or  25 random indie CDs. These are the kinds of things people mail you at an alt-weekly.

To start, here's Hellman's chorus:

Bay Citizen, Bay Citizen, you kick off tonight.
I can't begin to tell you what a wonderful delight
Bay Citizen, Bay Citizen, the future sure looks bright
It seems our modern news hub is a-comin' into sight.

Now, other Bay Area media's company songs:

San Francisco Examiner

Examiner, Examiner, you're no longer the only billionaire's folly in town
Phil Anschutz has a rival;
it's the guy with the Golden Gate Park hoe down
Examiner, Examiner, you'll last as long as your patron's amused...
Even though piles of unread papers everywhere make locals feel abused

Wall Street Journal Bay Area Edition

Wall Street Journal Bay Area Edition, Wall Street Journal Bay Area Edition,
Wait, aren't you a billionaire's folly, too?
There seem to be so many of you nowadays,
SF's like a palatial zoo.
Journal, Journal , All I see in here are beat reporters' tailings
But nobody's bound to notice, given a certain New York-based competitor's failings

New York Times Bay Area Edition

New York Times Bay Area edition, New York Times Bay Area edition,
I couldn't believe it, but it's true...
You actually had a "Bay Area" story about how the word "so" is overused.
Hillary Clinton started a sentence with "So,"
So you decided to stop the presses
There's apparently "local" news in words the Secretary of State stresses.

San Francisco Chronicle

San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco Chronicle,
You're now the size of the Modesto Bee
I can't wait to weigh you in maybe a year or three
San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco Chronicle, you didn't need diet pills
Thanks to Hellman's start up, this ain't the end of your ills

SFist

SFist, SFist, you've spread fear and loathing in newspaper land
By making a well-read news site with the toil of just one man
SFist, SFist, would you mind pausing for a while
San Francisco's web-surfing reporters have stories they've got to file

SFStreetsblog

SFstreetsblog, SFstreetsblog, word is you're at risk of going down
That would be a pity, because you've helped make this a safer, quieter town
SFStreetsblog, SFStreetsblog, by preaching walking and biking
You've raised hope San Francisco will be more to our liking

San Francisco Bay Guardian

Bay Guardian, Bay Guardian, What? You've stopped paying your printing bills?
From the look of your tabloid, that's the least of your ills
Bay Guardian, Bay Guardian: How about that damned PG&E?
Please write that a thousand times, so even more people leave your paper be