Rupert Murdoch Won't Let You Take That Extra Sugar Packet for Free

​Hello SF Weekly readers! I'm Rupert Murdoch. That will be a dollar, please.

You may have read about my heroic remarks against Google's terrorist campaign of content-hijacking by way of the links and the searches. "I'll stop Google taking our news for nothing," I said. But why stop there?
This morning I learned that when Fernanda takes out the garbage, the stuff in the blue bin goes to some kind of factory that converts it into new materials. They are profiting from my paper! I told Fernanda she needs to wait by the curb and collect a fee next time the men cart off my castaways.

Later that day, while watching the DVD extras on a film I didn't even like, because I paid for the damned thing and I was determined to get my money's worth, I wondered just how many other companies were feeding off my personal output without paying. While the director's commentary to Father of the Bride Part II droned in the background, I wrote a brief list:

1. Stonyfield Farm, for donating a portion of proceeds from my yogurt purchase to charity, meaning I'm paying an extra penny on the dollar for my French Vanilla.

2. Twitter, which has still not paid my monthly $118.12 bill for the use of my likeness on the accounts that parody me.

3. Starbucks, which has charged me more for my black coffee to subsidize freeloaders who fill up on "complimentary" milk and steal Splenda.

I got no sympathy for this from my friend Ted when we talked over drinks (I will not get into the kerfuffle that followed that, except to say that if you want to split a tab evenly with me, you cannot continually order drinks that cost 25 cents more than mine).

Nor did my grandson take my side during our basketball match (I was represented by a proxy who occasionally received my instructions via speaker phone and fax). I (remotely) had to sit in the middle of the court for an hour before my son agreed to give back possession of the ball he had stolen from me.

This talk of "family" reminds me: To those of you who do not appreciate my attempts to rescue fairness from the clutches of "innovation," to draw a line in the sand, you should not hope that my children will overturn my policies. They are all banned from inheriting my wealth until they have paid back rent for their childhoods.

And as for my wife! I hope she will learn to live within the means of her allowance, which is more than ample. But that does not concern you.

Now where is my dollar? ...