After Health Care Victory, Hipster Lobby Targets Immigration, Jobs, Lack of Beer Fridges

Where are the beer refrigerators?

​Following Sunday's passage of a historic health care bill letting brakeless track-bike riders stay on their parents' health insurance until age 26, America's hipster lobby now turns to legislative battles in areas such as immigration, climate change, financial regulatory reform, job creation, closing Guantanamo prison, and America's lack of refrigerators filled with free beer.

"Something that involves beer refrigerators would be good," explained Travis T, manager of Freewheel Bike Shop on Hayes Street, a gathering place for fashionable, track-bike-riding young people, when we called to ask him what's next on the hipster legislative agenda. Regarding strategy on other issues of national interest, the hipster lobby appears to be holding its cards close to the vest.

"Immigration? That's so far removed from my daily life that I can't even see it as a reality," Travis said.

Travis referred us to Freewheel employee Anisah Parks, 26, for further insight into upcoming hipster legislative battles.

"I don't feel like I know enough about it. I'm totally sorry. I wish I could formulate a straight opinion. But I'd be shooting in the dark so I'd rather not," Parks averred.

Forced to speculate as to hipsters' apparently secret lobbying strategy, SF Weekly anticipates the following.

FIRCA-2011: The Fresa Immigration Reform and Control Act of 2011. In Mexico, where U.S. immigrants are born and raised, fashionable, upper-class young people are known as "fresas." To date, however, immigrants from Mexico have tended to be drawn from poor native and mestizo populations, which don't integrate into the U.S. hipster community for two or three generations. By importing -- rather than merely manufacturing -- hipsters, America could increase supplies, bring down prices, and add variety and choice to domestic stocks.
FIRCA-2011 would change U.S. immigration law to require new arrivals to recite the first verse of Mana's 2008 hit single "Si No Te Hubieras Ido."

TDJA-2012: Totally Deck Job Act of 2012. By attending art school, reading sophisticated literature, working in coffee shops part time, and holding conversations about important topics, hipsters make it clear they're holding out for a really awesome job. TDJA-2012 would spend $1 billion each in hipster cities such as New York, San Francisco, Austin, Arcata, Chico, and Santa Cruz to create one amazing new job. It would involve improving the environment, advancing multiculturalism, drinking beer, applying the ideas of Michele Foucault, wearing a uniform carefully assembled from thrift stores, unwrapping track-bike-delivered care packages from home, all during designated work hours of 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

GWSA-2013. Global Warming Solution Act of 2013. Most hipster affectations are painstakingly effete: David Bowie physiques, delicate-looking pants, ironically worn ski glasses, preoccupation with the provenance of coffee, beer, denim, and bike parts. This delicate sensibility seems to exclude food, however. Attending a Mission neighborhood burrito joint creates a sensation of dissonance similar to walking into a junior high teachers' lounge to see instructors smoking and cussing. Loaf-sized burritos in hand, hipsters crouch unironically in a half-fetal posture devouring pork, rice, bean, flour and lard-based feed that, unlike cuisine produced elsewhere in San Francisco, contains no concession to higher ideas.
Plus, it makes them fart.

Just as climate change scientists now bemoan the methane-infused burps and excretions of cattle, GWSA would ban hipsters' burrito consumption. Though this regulation will upset some, community leaders will support it because it will strengthen the hipster people by making them stay true to arugula, quinoa, and whey powder-based ideals.