Silver Linings of Muni's Pending Service Cuts and Fare Hikes

Earthnik

No, no -- this is for the best!

​On Friday, Muni wheeled out a cavalcade of proposed service cuts and fare hikes, all of which were met with about as much enthusiasm as, say, a proposal to economize by storing the dead in public school classrooms. Board of Supervisors President David Chiu, meanwhile, questioned the point of even having a Metropolitan Transportation Agency Board, and told SF Weekly he and his fellow supervisors will not approve any fare hikes.

Good times, good times.

But since it seems inevitable that something horrible will happen regarding Muni -- we've never been disappointed yet -- perhaps it's best to look on the bright side of life:

• Muni's proposal to cut back late-night buses to only once an hour will be a boon to the city's hard-hit mugging, looting, and aggravated mayhem industries

• The self-esteem of city dwellers will be boosted when they exclaim "I could walk there faster than that!" -- and they really can

• Those quarters you were saving for the laundromat can now be applied to bus fares -- and sitting on Muni will immediately provide a need for a laundromat. So -- everyone wins!

• Absolutely packed trains and buses will provide you that many more chances to meet your future soulmate

• Sitting in urine -- yet still being thrilled to have a seat -- will induce more thoughtfulness when contemplating the plight of the less fortunate
  

• Riders watching buses drive past wheelchair-users sitting in the rain because there is no space for them on crowded vehicles will be that much more determined to avoid ending up in a wheelchair

• Riders watching seniors being forced to shell out three times what they were paying for a senior pass in December will be that much more determined to avoid getting old

• Crazed street preachers will finally have the captive audiences they desire

• Like foul ball-obsessed fans at a baseball game, Muni riders will be invited to keep any parts of the under-maintained trains or buses that fall off and rattle their way

• More and more chances for earnest Muni spokesman Judson True to finally toss up his hands and bellow, "Fuck it! I can't defend this shit no more! Attica! Attica!"

Photo   |   Earthnik