On Time -- Ha! -- For Your Commute: Muni Pain-O-Meter V. 2.0

Categories: Public Transit

Pain Level: 0.4 -- Your Muni driver makes "Derail -- is de thing de train run on" joke.

0.8 -- He makes that joke -- and you have to deboard your derailed train.

1.1 -- I've never sat next to someone eating with chopsticks on the bus before...

1.4 -- Hey! Once you drop the won-ton into my crotch it's mine.

1.7 -- There's no better place to choose the ring tone for your cell phone than a crowded train full of surly, 8:15 a.m. commuters...

2.1 -- Hey, it's 42 degrees out and rainy -- but, please, keep those windows and roof vents wide open.

2.5 -- "Mommy, that man isn't wearing any shoes..."

2.9 -- Driver refuses to apologize, speak, or even make eye contact with crippled man he sent sprawling by accelerating too damn fast. That might be a "liability issue."

3.2 -- Ding! Ding! Ding! In this corner, weighing 115 pounds and hailing from parts unknown, it's the North Beach Gal! And in this corner, at 137 pounds and hailing from West Lafayette, Indiana, it's the Sunset Stunner! Touch shopping bags and come out fighting!  

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'Why would you want to sit down? Oh, I don't know ma'am ... maybe you're just, uh, tired?'
3.7 -- Hey buddy! Just because you trod through filth and shit all day, don't let that keep you from putting your shoes up on the seat...

4.1 -- Fat or pregnant? Fat or pregnant? Fat or pregnant? Shit! SHIT! She's fat!

4.5 -- Have you ever filled out an event report after a Muni incident? Trust me, it's a blast.

4.9 -- Wow, look at him run! I guess he wanted the iPhone more than you.

5.1 -- Uhhh, don't mind us pal. You just keep doing that ...

5.5 -- What? 19 minutes until the bus? Okay, okay. Damn it's cold. Hmmm. Seventeen minutes. Is that guy giving me the evil eye? Has he walked by here twice or is it three times? Fifteen minutes. Oh man! Hipster spilled schnapps on my shoes. It's okay pal. It's okay. Twelve minutes. Wish I'd brought a coat. Oh, now it's raining. Now? Seven minutes. What's this? You're saying you want some money but you "don't want to beg -- if I know what you mean?" Uhh, no thanks. Three minutes. Hmmm? No, I'm not in the market for any saviors right now. God bless you, too! One minute. Holy shit! Here it comes, here it comes, here it ... FUCKER DIDN'T STOP!

5.9 -- Snippet from cell phone call: "No, no, these were Hummer 3.0s. We had to go into the future to get them."

6.4 -- Is that smell ... me?

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'No. This seat is not taken. Please. Sit.'
6.8 -- Ah, the smell is from that guy with the pee stains on his pants. Shit -- that's me!

7.1 -- Beaten by young miscreants;

7.4 -- Beaten by elderly miscreants;

7.7 -- Beaten by Muni employees;

7.9 -- That incredibly dangerous thing the driver just did a moment before you went through the windshield? Yeah, that's Standard Operating Procedure

8.1 -- How long was I asleep? What? You're from where? The NTSB?

8.5 or more
-- Not good comedic fodder.

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