Assessing Our Leaders' Turkey-Serving Skills
|This turkey was brought to you by...|
Luckily for us, SF Weekly's advance scouting department has assessed the turkey-serving skills of myriad San Francisco figures:
The San Francisco 49ers: Mirroring the team's play on the field, the Niners demonstrate an alarming tendency to load patrons' plates at the outset -- and then fail to finish the meal. Or, conversely, the team skimps diners through the first three-quarters of the meal, then dumps turkey, stuffing, yams, etc. on the plate in an ill-fated, frantic late effort to make right. Cannot cook with them! Cannot serve with them! Cannot eat with them! Can't do it!
Gavin Newsom: The now-you-see-him, now-you-don't mayor angrily told questioners that he's served exactly 1,367 turkeys over the past three holiday seasons; assertions otherwise are "comical -- it's comically comical what you guys come up with." While yesterday the Board of Supervisors alloted a multitude of turkeys to be served to the needy, Newsom has stated he will not allow the turkeys to be served. "Mayor Newsom is not going to serve turkeys the city doesn't have," snapped a spokesman.
Jeff Adachi: The public defender claimed his office is too understaffed and overburdened to serve any more turkeys this year, and he assigned the duty to costlier private attorneys.
Fire Chief Joanne Hayes-White: In a trying and embarrassing snafu, it turned out the fire department was unaware of how many turkeys it had in serving condition.
Willie Brown: Hizzhoner demonstrated his turkey-serving skills to San Francisco's poor by hopping a jet for Paris, eating a €250 meal, and buying property in Neuilly-sur-Seine.
Muni drivers: Actually, they didn't show up for their turkey-serving photo-op. But that's okay. Their union contract allows them to do this 11 more times this year.
BART police: Diners were assured that the turkeys expired peacefully and instantaneously -- while standing beneath a plate-glass window at West Oakland station.
Tony Bennett: He smiles, tells great anecdotes, and has a wonderful touch. But, yes, after the 41st request to sing that song, he can grow surly.
Dennis Herrera: Four different press releases announced the city attorney would be serving turkeys. Subsequent press releases described how he walked in the room, shook hands with people, and served turkeys. A final press release described the benefits of these activities to everyday San Franciscans -- with detailed .PDFs of the legal documents included.
Chris Daly: The supervisor -- who has a deft touch in the kitchen -- noted that he raised this turkey himself in his backyard and the nearby orchard. When asked what kind of condo on Stevenson Street has a backyard, let alone an orchard, there was an awkward pause. And then profanity.