Just In Time For Monday's Commute: The Muni Pain-O-Meter

Jim Herd

​Pain Level: 0.5 -- Train or bus you run like hell to reach goes out of service.

0.7 -- Muni time arrival readout arbitrarily jumps from "2 minutes" to "19 minutes".

1.5 -- Disruptive "service animals" on vehicle.

1.9 -- "Service animals" fight each other on Muni vehicle.

2.3 -- "Service animal" users fight each other.

3.2 -- Fellow rider loudly talking to him or herself ...

3.5 -- Singing to him or herself...

3.6 -- Singing songs he or she can't remember and/or humming ...

3.8 -- Singing/humming religious songs ...

4.0 -- Said singing/humming person is extraordinarily malodorous.
 
4.1 -- Loud cell phone talker with no regard for personal details being bellowed in public:

4.2 -- Example of above: "You tell Ray that if he don't get his shit together he's going to have to deal with me and Uncle Pritchard -- and that's a goddamn fact."

4.3 -- Example of above: Graphic sex talk involving mention of acts illegal in several states and/or sexual diseases and/or pubic lice.

4.5 -- Goddamn flash mobs!

4.6 -- Punk kids marking up vehicle.

Is that man muffing the words to "Amazing Grace"?

​4.7 -- More than 50 percent of the vehicle's passengers are drunk/high/insane.

5.0 -- Condom on the Muni vehicle.

5.1 -- Sweat on the seats on nasty-hot day

5.2 -- Suspected urine on the vehicle.

5.5 -- Confirmed urine on the vehicle.

5.8 -- Someone urinating on the vehicle.

6.0 -- Reverse peristalsis.

6.3 -- Fecal matter

6.4 -- Punk kids intimidating the hell out of passengers.

6.6 -- Violent Muni patrons rob, loot, pillage, assault.

7.0 -- Injured in Muni accident/Injured during Muni hooliganism

7.5 -- Injured badly enough that random people now know who you are.

Orin Zebest

Cute! Can I have my finger back now?

​7.7 -- Injured badly enough you acquire the nickname "lefty," "stumpy," "patch," or "[YOUR NAME], the man without genitals."

8.0 -- Injured badly enough that mothers bring you up as a warning for their children and people refer to "Muni's [YOUR NAME] Incident."

8.5 -- Injured badly enough that a folk song is written titled "The Ballad of [YOUR NAME] and The [MUNI ROUTE]".

9.0  and above -- Death, dismemberment, and other pleasantries. Have a good commute!

Photo   |   Jim Herd

Photo   |   Orin Zebest