California Redwoods Unveil Helmet Design: Phallic and Indecipherable

Categories: Sports
Leggo my logo...
We at the Snitch love to hate on everything. Not two hours had passed since Gavin Newsom's baby slid down the chute, and we were already mocking Baby Montana's name. Headline: "Newsom Baby Arrives. It's... A State!"  We even pointed out that one of the baby's namesakes was a porn star. See what I mean? Haters.

The same day the nascent United Football League unveiled its San Francisco team name, the California Redwoods, we ripped it apart with glee.  Headline: "Are You Ready For Some Football? The Team Is Named 'The California Redwoods.' Still Ready?" 

We berated the uniform's nasty neon green and teal color combination with the blistering censure of Joan Rivers. Ouch. And now that they've released the helmet designs today, you guessed it: We're not lovin' it.

For one, the redwood tree stretching over the helmet's crown is blatantly phallic. The squad's rivals will be chanting about "dickheads" in no time. Maybe even at the season opener next Thursday in Las Vegas. 

Secondly, call me slow, but it took help from the reporter next to me to decode what exactly what the design racing through the plank of wood on the helmet's side even was. It's an "R," folks. "R" for "Redwoods."  

Thank God the press release was there to clue us in: "The inspiration behind the design of the California Redwoods logo is to communicate the majesty of the world's tallest living thing, reaching to the sky with strength and stability. The primary mark utilizes references of tree textures and takes inspiration from the crests and shields indicative of our many parks and wildlife destinations. A stylized "R" cutting through the shield introduces the speed, agility and excitement to the mark."

Kudos for using the shape of the National Parks crest. I didn't see that one coming.


But other than that nice touch, if this were a "Project Runway" assignment to create a football helmet, and we were to channel Heidi Klum, the critique might go something like this: Your design is mixing too different themes that seem incompatible. Either go with speed and agility and neon-green pizzaz or go with redwood's majesty and stability. You're trying to do both, and doing both poorly. Auf wiedersehen

But hell, let the people decide. The helmet will debut next Thursday in the game against the Locos at the Sam Boyd Stadium in Las Vegas. Don't read a team by its helmet. Show us what you've got, Redwoods. Other than a dickhead.

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