Basebrawl -- So Those Denver Boys Want to Talk Some Trash, Eh? Well, Two Can Play At That Game.

​Wednesday's Giants game vs. Colorado was one of those nights where you realize you're dizzy and your head hurts because you've forgotten to keep breathing during the late innings. You walk home in a fog, mentally replaying key moments of the game that may well have damned the team's season, imagining some scenario other than the only one that will ever exist.

For Giants fans, it has always been this way. Famously, in 1962, Charlie Brown sat morosely next to Linus for three tense cartoon panels before exploding in the fourth: "Why couldn't McCovey have hit the ball just three feet higher?" Yes, this means the Giants are Charlie Brown's baseball team. We know this.

But we don't need you to point it out. While we may have been carrying on the analogy between a lifetime of rooting for San Francisco and a long prison term all season long -- we don't take kindly to outsiders opining on the matter. So when we checked the pneumatic tube connecting all the Village Voice Media newspapers and found what appeared to be the stub of a spent "victory cigar" sent our way by the wits at our Denver paper the Westword -- well, that done teared it.

Vindictive messages were fired back and forth via the tube and you are reading the result -- we have decided to rain on each others' playoff parade over the final weeks of the season. And to spice things up, the paper whose team makes the playoffs will get a little booty from the other. SF Weekly pledges to send a signed photo of one of the city's top drag queens should Colorado make the postseason. What signature item will you guys be giving us? Coors? John Elway's toenail clippings? Elway clippings in Coors? Is that "Coors Cutter?" 

In any event, you wanted trash-talking. You got it:  
 

• Have you noticed how, with his thick beard and red-lipped scowl, Rockies star first-baseman Todd Helton looks like sad clown Emmett Kelley? We have;

• With a straight face, Clint Barmes told the media that his broken collarbone was the result of tumbling down the stairs while carrying venison. Nothing to do with an ATV ride at all...

• Actual first names of Rockies' pitchers: Ubaldo, Esmil, Huston, and, the prize-winner, Jhoulys;

• Hey Colorado -- thanks for making purple part of the baseball color ensemble. You do realize that Jason Giambi looks like Grimace in these uniforms, right?
  

• Speaking of Giambi -- we always thought it was odd how you apologized profusely a few years ago but refused to say what you were apologizing about. How about batting .198? Was it that?
  

• Is it true the Rockies signed Russ Ortiz' corpse this year?
   
• Ian Stewart, I've seen drunk frat boys at 2 a.m. who are more selective than you are;
  

Well, that's a start. Hey Denver guys -- what'ya got?