Swoops 'The Attack Bird' May Be Gone, But His Battling Spirit Lives On -- And We've Got the Bloody Head to Prove It
By now, those of you who enjoy Internet ephemera probably know about the well-documented rise -- and subsequent departure -- of "Swoops the Attack Bird," a plucky Front Street blackbird who delighted onlookers by pecking the crap out of those brave or foolish enough to stroll past his downtown nest.
In a true testament to human nature, crowds of people gathered to point and hoot at oblivious pedestrians broken out of their Financial District daydreams by a sharp peck to the head; the thought of someone saying, "Don't walk on that street, there's a crazy bird there!" doesn't seem to have come up. God help us if there's an open manhole anytime soon in the neighborhood.
In any event, those saddened by Swoops' decision to fly off to greener pastures and cease perforating the heads of San Franciscans can be gladdened by this news: His behavior is catching. In fact, while yours truly was walking the other day on Church and Duboce, I was jolted out of my own daydreams by the beating of wings in alarming proximity to my ear and a sharp, painful peck in the back of the head; it felt like being struck with a well-tossed rock.
Instincts possibly honed by Homo Habilus on the African savannahs kicked in, and I scurried off in a defensive crouch. It hurt like hell -- but, in a way, I was tickled.
Through the searing pain, I recalled the poignant ending to the classic French film The Red Balloon -- after the bullies destroy the protagonist's sentient balloon that followed him around like a puppy, balloons across the city liberate themselves from their owners and lift the aggrieved boy off into the sky. (Good Lord! I'm tearing up just thinking about it!)
Swoops may be gone, but his colleagues have taken over for him in his stead. Just one glance at the folks enjoying the hell out of my pain and misfortune assured me that it's all for the greater good.
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