Reeling Drunk With Apparent Ability to Alter Time and Space Arrested at S.F. Zoo For Harassing Kids, Animals

Categories: Crime
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If you're going to be instantaneously transported from Hippie Hill to the zoo, it isn't happening without this guy's help
A man with a fondness for large amounts of cheap alcohol and an apparent ability to teleport across the city was arrested Wednesday evening for bothering children and animals at the zoo. It happens all the time.

Officers from the Taraval station headed to the zoo after receiving reports of "an extremely intoxicated man" making trouble. The gent admitted to officers that he'd quaffed many "Mad Dog Beers" on Hippie Hill in Golden Gate Park. Incidentally, no such beer seems to exist -- though the man may have been referencing Mad Dog 20/20, the ghastly fortified wine. In any event, this mix-up regarding libations wasn't as grand as what was about to come.

The drunk told the police that he had simply walked into the zoo after disembarking from Hippie Hill. This would be a neat trick, as Hippie Hill is about five and a half miles from the zoo; if the man arrived instantaneously he would have likely drawn the ire of many western San Francisco residents forced to replace their windows after a ground-level sonic boom. You can get away with an awful lot in the remote confines of the Sunset/Parkside district -- but this people would notice.

The man was arrested for public drunkeness. NASA, incidentally, was not notified of the gent's ability to bend time and space, which may or may not be a power unleashed by consumption of unhealthy quantities of MD 20/20.

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