San Francisco Blog

1 p.m. - Land Use & Economic Development Committee

Little known fact, but Chris Daly, John Avalos, David Chiu, David Campos, and Ross Mirkarimi all live together. They rent a house down in the Mission and throw really progressive parties every couple of months. Last month's theme was "A night in Casablanca: monitoring elections to ensure they're free and fair." It was so awesome: Somebody sneaked in a bottle of tequila, even though everyone refused to drink it because that would cast aspersions on the UN elections monitoring program.

Needless to say, Daly is the neat freak who keeps yelling at everyone to wash their dishes immediately after use. Avalos is the one who thinks he's funny -- but he's not. Campos is the poet trying to make it big in the city with his new book of verse, titled The Due Process. Chiu is always trying to come up with crazy get-rich-quick schemes; and Ross Mirkarimi dreams of someday going into politics and being Ross Mirkarimi.

Well, one day these guys were just hanging around the house, talking about how preserving the rainforests is a social justice issue every bit as much as it is an environmental one, when who should knock on the door but their landlord, old man Peterson.

"Wass'up!" asks John Avalos, offering him a beer.

"Oppressor!" shouts Chris Daly. "Give us new bathmats! It's a human rights issue!"

"Mr. Peterson," says Mirkarimi, "we already paid you the rent this month."

"Oh, I know you did," Mr. Peterson cackles. The guys are horrified to notice that he's recently been smoking, and drinking sugary sodas, and eating trans-fats. "But I've got some news for you, you progressive layabouts! I'm kicking you out! The real reason is that I want to convert the buildings into condominiums ..."

"I'd like a piece of that," says Chiu.

"... but the official reason will be -- oh, I don't know -- that there are too many of you living here. How do you like them apples?"

"But Mr. Peterson!" says Mirkarimi, "we're not in violation of minimum superficial floor area standards as designated in city code! So what if Avalos sleeps in the kitchen? Legally, we're protected!"

"I like to be near the action," says Avalos.

"Ah," says old man Peterson, "but that law only applies to families! Not unrelated progressive layabouts! You have no protection, and you're out of here! Also, I'm raising your rent. Be out by the end of the month!"

"Oppressor!" Daly shouts again as old man Peterson walks away.

"I'm SO going to satirize him in verse," says David Campos. "Perhaps a sestina."

"That's what SHE said!" says Avalos. "Wait, did that not work? It seemed, for a minute, like that would work."

"Dude!" says David Chiu (he's always saying "dude") "that guy's totally messing with us! And it's like, all legal and stuff!"

"That's just wrong," says Mirkarimi.

"Dude!"

Mirkarimi strokes the on-again-off-again beard that's on this month. "Somebody ought to do something about that," he says.

"Already on it," says Campos. "I just need a noun that rhymes with 'Collateral.'"

"Are you doing structured verse again?" asks Daly. "That's so white male of you."

"Hey guys," says Mirkarimi, "remember that time when we all got really, really, drunk after that party, with the girls on the stilts, and when we came to a month later we'd been elected to the Board of Supervisors? Remember that?"

Slowly, they all nod.

"What ... ever happened with that?" Avalos asks. "Weren't we going to usher in a progressive revolution or something? I totally lost track when I got busy with my band."

"Well," says Mirkarimi, "we never changed the way government works or anything, but, legally, I think we're still elected officials in San Francisco. And that means we can write a law to stop old man Peterson's plans."

"Dude!" says Chiu. "That's brilliant! I can totally write that!"

"I'll write the legislative digest," says Campos. "No one will realize it's in trochaic pentameter!"

"We are SO going to protect renters in this town!" says Daly. "You know, that's an environmental issue as much as it is a social justice issue."

"Dude!"

And that's how the five friends came to sponsor a series of laws further extending protections for tenants' rights. One will eliminate the word "family" from rent control laws, thus extending protections to people who just happen to live together; another will limit the total amount of annual and banked rent increases imposed to 8 percent per year, and require written advance notice of the basis for banked increases; the third will expand tenant hardship relief programs.

The only question I have is: Why didn't these guys ask their progressive buddy Eric Mar to co-sponsor their resolutions? Is it because he's been totally unavailable to them ever since he hooked up with "Kris?"

Tuesday, May 19, 2 p.m. - Full Board of Supervisors

I'd considered going over this meeting with an extended Gilligan's Island metaphor, but, honestly, no one can fill Jim Backus' shoes. Also, on this board, it's impossible to figure out who "Mary Ann" is. So many ways to go.

The first big item on the agenda is Mirkarimi's ongoing attempt to save San Francisco cable access television. I must admit that I'm rooting for this one; not only because SF Cable Access is the best reason to own cable (literally ANYTHING could be on), but also because this bill worked exactly the way democracy ought to. A group of citizens who have very little pull got together, decided a service was important to them, and lobbied their local government to save it; one of them agreed and put a bill together. A bill like this passing once in a while goes a long way towards alleviating the crippling cynicism that comes from covering government and will likely wear me down until I end my life in a cheap motel room, surrounded by empties, notebooks, and an overdue library copy of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.

Moving on, I imagine that suicide will cross at least one of the Supervisors' minds today when the MTA budget is brought up again just so that people can yell at each other about it. Much as I'd love to think that something will change ... the proposed budget ought to be trashed ... I have to say I feel for all the Supes who have to sit through this debate.

On the other hand, Bevan Dufty and Sophie Maxwell deserve it. So, you know what, Chris Daly? Give 'em Hell -- about one bad MUNI budget's worth.

Finally, there's a massive reworking of the city's ethics code that Chris Daly's putting forward: So far as I can tell, it basically updates the list of all the city employees and committee types who should submit a conflict of interest form ... and oh, gosh, based on all the changes it looks like that list was very out of date.

It'll be good to get that updated ... not that anybody actually enforces ethics laws in SF. But as futile gestures go, it's my kind of futility.

Wednesday, May 20

11 a.m. - Budget and Finance subcommittee

Life's too short for subcommittees.

1:30 p.m. - Budget & Finance committee

If I were to say "Ya know ... budget stuff!" would you know what I mean?

Yeah, okay, that's not fair.

First, the budget committee will consider the budget of the following departments ... and if you want to get public comment in on them, this is the time:

• San Francisco International Airport


• Board of Appeals


• San Francisco Port


• Children Support Services


• Children and Families Commission


• Rent Arbitration Board

Then it will consider salaries for the same departments.

Finally, there is a resolution on the table to concur with the Controller's assessment that the following services previously approved can be performed by private contractor for a lower cost than similar work performed by City and County employees:

employee and public parking management services, information booth services, security services, and shuttle bus services (Airport); paratransit services, security services, parking citation and collection, janitorial - various facilities, meter collection and coin counting, towing services, and transit shelter maintenance services (MTA); janitorial and security services (Port).

So ... 'ya know ... budget stuff.

Thursday, May 21:

10 a.m. - Rules Committee

This whole meeting is entirely devoted to appointing people to committees that will meet a few times and issue strongly worded reports about pressing social problems that there is no money to address. No one will read these reports except Gavin Newsom, who will issue a press release about how he has solved the problem even though he has not solved the problem, and Ross Mirkarimi, who will call him on it.

You will never notice that any of this has happened.

These are the committees: (Note that some of them are not real committees, but committees I have made up to entertain myself)

• The Children and Families First Commission


• The Sunshine Ordinance Task Force


• The Youth Services Acquisition Authority


• The Veterans Affairs Commission


• The Healthy Service Animals Commission


• The In-Home Supportive Services Public Authority


• The Realty Validation Board


• The Sweatfree Procurement Advisory Group


• The Rental Property Disgorgement Board


• The Clean Carbon Task Force


• Commission on the Aging Advisory Council


• The Citizens' General Obligation Bond Oversight Committee


• The Graffiti Advisory Board


• The Organic Produce Availability Committee


• Bicycle Advisory Committee


• The Sweet Onion Teriyaki Club


• The Immigrant Rights Commission


• The Big Philly Cheesesteak


• The Asthma Task Force


• The San Francisco Health Authority


• The Veggie Delight

Sorry about those last few committees: I was getting hungry.

1:30 p.m. - a Very Special meeting of the Budget & Finance committee

Hey, you know that last budget committee meeting? The one they had on Wednesday?

C'mon, you remember that one: They discussed budget stuff.

Well, this meeting will be exactly like that one, except that it will deal with the following budgets:

Law Library

Public Utilities Commission

Retirement

Hey, if managing the city's budget were fun you'd be doing it. Budgeting might even be a camp at Burning Man. Which ... you know ... is not such a bad idea. Be honest: Could a live drum circle with naked fire dancing possibly make the process any worse?

No? So what's to lose?

Eh, you're right -- too much techno music. There's a reason nobody budgets to techno.