With the Economy Down, Is Your Sperm Count Up?

With the recession (or a word that rhymes with it) doing a number on the economy like the Visigoths did to Rome, many former white-collar workers have been forced to work with their hands. Some, perhaps, quite literally.

Sperm banks in other municipalities have reported a boom of men with time on their hands and a shortage of cash in their pockets lining up at the doors. You'd think that San Francisco -- which has shed a fair amount of skilled postions  of late -- would be stocked with men champing at the bit to masturbate professionally.

Well, you'd be wrong.

Pacific Reproductive Services is the only sperm bank in the city -- meaning its staffers can an utter the giggle-worthy claim that they have a monopoly on San Francisco's sperm. And yet, the number of would-be donors hasn't increased. Why not? Well, for one thing, school's out of session -- so they haven't been soliciting.

"People generally do donate frequently for financial reasons anyway because it's fairly easy money," said Kiera Hansen, an executive assistant at Pacific. "But there hasn't been an increase in donors becuase we haven't been advertising. Usually, during breaks [from school] we don't advertise as heavily." By the way, "fairly easy money" translates to $100 a pop, with the possibility of two shots a week.

If you think this is the line of work for you, know this: Only about one in 10 applicants will pass the health screening, bloodwork, and face-to-face interview and the No. 1 cause for discharge -- from the application process -- is a lack of sperm motility. Among Pacific's hard-and-fast rules:

• Aged between 21 and 36;

• Minimum height of 5' 8" (and that's standing up);
  

• Able to make a nine-month commitment (one nine-month commitment deserves another);
  

• A preference toward those who are attending or have graduated from a "four-year school" -- yes, Academy of Art University counts.

Finally, Pacific insists upon a cap of 20 impregnations per donor -- a low number, apparently, compared to other sperm banks (and Screamin' Jay Hawkins).