Snuggies Bring Comfort, Stall Productivity at SF Weekly

When I arrived at the SF Weekly this morning, it became obvious that something was terribly wrong. Instead of working dilligently and greeting visitors, our editorial assistant Andy Wright (pictured above) had gone to sleep underneath her desk, and she was wearing a bright blue blanket...with sleeves. When I asked her what was up with that, she opened her eyes very wide and said, in a raspy, almost demonic voice, "it's the Snuggie." Then she passed out.  

The Snuggie. Where had I heard that before? Oh, that's right. I had seen the Snuggie -- a blanket with sleeves -- on a recent informercial. While wearing a Snuggie, a blanketed person could make cereal or hold a baby or have free hands to clap at a sporting event. That's dumb, I had thought back then. But here was one of the coolest people in the office wearing one. I headed for my cubicle, and that's when I encountered staff writer Lauren Smiley, sprawled out across some newspapers, wearing a Snuggie.

"You should really try the Snuggie," she said. Lauren's always dressed to the nines, so it surprised me that she would wear something so big and blue. Maybe she just liked having her hands free to read the newspaper? Maybe the thing really was comfortable? All I knew was, if I saw one more SF Weekly employee in a Snuggie, that would make a trend. (In the newspaper business, three of anything means there's a trend).

Sure enough, I entered the office of art director Justin Page, and there he was, Snuggified, eating oatmeal, and looking at pornography. (That's part of his job, I think).

Justin didn't really say anything, but he opened his mouth just slightly, allowing a dollop of oatmeal to escape. It slid down his chin and plopped onto the keyboard. Normally I wound find that kind of thing disgusting, but I really respect Justin's work. Also, because he was the third person in a Snuggie, he was now a trendsetter. I went to see my managing editor, Will Harper, to tell him about the trend I had spotted. To my amazement, Will already knew all about it.

At that point, I didn't need to ask questions. I just needed to act fast, before some other newspaper picked up on this rapidly emerging trend. I sprinted to my desk to do the research, and boy did I dig up some dirt. It turns out, Snuggies aren't the first of their kind. Just a cheap imitation! Another species of sleeved blanket, the Slanket, was invented in 1998 by some guy named Gary. As a college student one winter in Maine, Gary he had been channel surfing and realized his arms were fucking freezing. The Slanket was thusly born.

But apparently, the Slanket also had a forefather: the Snug Sack. (Not to be confused with the Snuggle Sack, which is for dogs!). There was some Internet chatter about the Snug Sack being a Carter-era comfort item, but that couldn't be independently verified. I had to move on to the most important question of any trend story: why?

I decided to consult our online news editor, Joe Eskenazi, who knows a lot about a lot and is almost always at his desk. But today he was missing. "Has anyone seen Joe?" I asked. Silence. I began to wander around the office, and what I saw was as amazing as it was disturbing. Every person I encountered was wrapped in blue Snuggie.

Staff Writer, Peter Jamison, sported his Snuggie California-style.

I finally found Eskenazi, snuggied up in a newspaper recycling bin and reading his own cover story. He had no idea why.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that in order to fit in, I went out and got my own Snuggie. Well, it simply isn't true. I didn't have to. It turns out, Snuggies are so wonderous, so versatile, that you can fit two people comfortably inside. Those two people can do all kinds of things with the one hand they each have free in each sleeve. They can wave at a passerby. Do sign language. Masturbate.

Andy Wright and I didn't do any of those things just then. Instead, we decided to attempt something in the Snuggie that we're pretty sure is unprecented.

In conclusion, please keep reading our blog, everyone. We do important work and spot trends you will not hear about elsewhere. If our Snuggie coverage doesn't have you convinced, then check this out: origami boulders. You heard it first from the Snitch.