'Hooking Up with Tila Tequila': We Withstand Her Book-Thing So You Don't Have To

By Joe Eskenazi Fri., Jan. 23 2009 at 5:30 AM

Categories: Celebrities, Media

Ulysses, it ain't

First lines are important. They say a lot. They're a real indication of the prodigious thought, labor, and love poured into the thousands of lines to follow. To wit:

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed into an enormous cockroach. -- Franz Kafka, Metamorphosis

My father's family name being Pirrup, and my Christian name Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than Pip. So I called myself Pip and came to be called Pip. -- Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Tila Tequila, the multi-barely-talented singer/MySpace phenomenon/reality TV subject/pinup is holding a copy of Great Expectations in a page one photo in her new book (!) Hooking Up With Tila Tequila.The first line of her tome? Right here:

FUCK OFF. That's right. I know what you're thinking: Tila Tequila wrote a book? What does that bitch have to say? Can she even fucking write? Well, APPARENTLY I can. I mean, I write blogs all the time, Don't I? And someone's reading them, right? I've only got something like three MILLION friends on MySpace.

Well, there you go. Poking holes in the vapidity of someone who feels that becoming "THE symbol of stardom in today's digital age" is some kind of meritorious achievement is the logical next move -- but it's somewhat akin to pulling a rabbit out of a rabbit hutch.

I don't think there's anything I can say about Tila Tequila she can't say more effectively herself. So, here's everything you need to know about this book:

The excerpted paragraph is a pretty good indicator of the overall tone and writing quality -- and this book is 170 pages long. And on those 170 pages and two covers are, by my count, 277 images of Tila Tequila.

Tila on dating: "I've had sex on the first date, and it did end up developing into something amazing. The sex was so good the guy was like, "Holy shit! You're fucking awesome!" It can work. But if you do have sex on the first date, it will have to be the best EVER." (Yes, this book is written in the vernacular.)

On double standards: "Does anybody call [Hugh] Hefner a SLUT or a WHORE? HELL NO! He is the king, baby! Helllll yeah ... that's my boy, you! Ohhhhhh shit, Hugh Hefner, that man is a pimmmmp, you! Shit, son! Yeaaaaaah! (Using unnecessary letters makes for more pages, which offers more opportunities for pictures of Tila. Genius.)

On R-E-S-P-E-C-T: "All right, ladies, part of stepping it up a notch is gaining more respect in this world. I don't think you have to walk around like a fucking nun or a saint."

On romance: "You can never go wrong with candles. ... or just leave the TV on if you don't have candles. That's like the poor man's mood lighting."

A closing thought: I've discerned a perfect use for this book. All of its remaindered copies should be stacked atop one another and used to build housing for the homeless and destitute. Then, finally, we could make remarks about how many men and women have been in Tila Tequila and not feel bad about ourselves.