SF Government InAction: We blame everybody. EVERYBODY!

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By Benjamin Wachs

San Francisco has managed to come out of the most hopeful election in US memory more divided than ever.

It’s not because Prop 8 passed – everybody loses at some point in a Democracy. It’s because our search for someone to blame has now got us hating each other even more than we did two weeks ago.

Instead of using this loss to reflect on ways we can build better, stronger, more vibrant movement and establish new connections, our very first reaction … right out of the gate … was to start condemning each other. It’s like we rehearsed it.

It’s a good thing we like diversity in principle, because in practice we can’t stand one another. This is why I tell people that the reason San Francisco is tops in hate crime isn’t just a reporting error on the part of Alabama – deep down in every San Francisco activists’ heart is a dream of civil war.

I’ve been late coming to this party, and need to make up for lost time: so this week I am pleased to announce that absolutely everything the Supes do will be someone’s fault. SF Government InAction will tell you who to blame.

And if you don’t like it … well, obviously you’re an agent of the Zionist agenda. That’s how they roll.

Monday, Nov. 17

10 a.m. – Government Audit & Oversight Committee

MUNI’s coming up twice at this meeting – with Aaron Peskin holding hearings on a MUNI quality review, and proposing a measure that would transfer the duties of the Taxi Commission to the MTA. Why won’t black churches just leave us alone? It’s like they think that just because they have the right to vote, they can vote however they want.

Another measure, by Sean Elsbernd, would allow public employees to purchase credit in the retirement system for prior public service: this has been talked about all year, because it’s being pushed by vicious animal rights activists who think that a spotted owl is more important than an accounts receivable supervisor. Come on, Elsbernd: WHAT HAVE YOU GOT AGAINST HUMAN BEINGS?

1:30 p.m. – Land Use & Economic development Committee

The Mormon Church is still pushing its insidious “Eastern Neighborhoods Plan” – and it’s the responsibility of all vegan, New Age, Wiccan, Progressives to remind the Mormon Church of how absurd its beliefs are. Let’s go Goddesses!

There are several Eastern Neighborhood Plan proposals on the agenda – almost as many as Joseph Smith had wives.

Supervisor Chris Daly has a measure requiring special authorization any time a building owner wants to reduce 15,000 square feet or more of residential space. And you know who’s responsible for this proposal? CHRIS DALY! That’s right: CHRIS DALY! Quickly, mob of angry moderates, grab your torches! Catch him before he proposes something popular in his district!

Tom Ammiano has a proposal that requires air quality assessments and special ventilation systems for urban infill developments. This is a tough one, but I blame midgets. They’ve been kicking us in the shins for too long, goddamit!

Sophie Maxwell has a proposal endorsing a finance plan for the proposed mixed-use development on Candlestick Point and the Hunters Point Shipyard. You’re sure to read about this soon in the Guardian … and they’ll doubtless point to the culprit, Satan. By which they mean: PG&E. We all know they don’t have municipal power in Hell.

Maxwell is also proposing a bunch of affordable housing guidelines for the Mission District, thereby falling right into the Military-Industrial-Complex’s trap. Don’t you understand, Sophie? The military recruits heavily from poor families, and it NEEDS soldiers to have a place to stay if it’s going to fight wars!

In addition, Maxwell’s trying to start as SoMa “Youth and Family Zone” to help support poor youths and their families. Who gets the blame for this one? Hope. Sheer, sad, hope that we can somehow make people’s lives better.

It’s kind of like a Greek tragedy, for which I blame the Greeks.

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2 p.m. – Full Board of Supervisors

Hey, remember how the landlords threatened to sink the Prop A Hospital bond if they didn’t get their water and sewage “pass through” increase?

Well, good luck with that now, you bastards: it’s still up before the Supes, prop A passed, and I bet there’s some hard feelings about the way you threatened to … oh, you know … CLOSE DOWN THE HOSPITAL if you didn’t get your way.

Seriously, that was pretty despicable. Have you considered ritual suicide to absolve the guilt your families must feel? I’m just asking.

Otherwise, this meeting is filled with the same stuff the Supes have been debating for the past several weeks: read about it here, here, and here … and have only yourself to blame.

Wednesday, Nov. 19, 1 p.m. – Budget and Finance Committee

JEWS! JEWS! JEWS!

This committee originally belonged to the Palestinians, you know.

Thursday, Nov. 20, 1 p.m. – City Operations & Neighborhood Services Committee

The most fun item at this hearing is the final one: a hearing comparing the San Francisco Zoo’s policies to those of other zoos across the U.S..

Those other zoos, I am given to understand, have strict policies against animals getting out of their cages and attacking people.

I had a hard time figuring out why we don’t, until finally I realized: the Pope wants it that way.

It’s all part of the Catholic Church’s attempt to suppress historical evidence of the Divine Feminine: and how are you going to do that without a tiger attack? It can’t be done.

But for sheer heavy-duty legislating, you can’t beat a couple of measures by Mayor Newsom and Sophie Maxwell that would change the way the Entertainment Commission entertains: between them, the two measures would impact the way permits are applied for, approved, suspended, revoked, transferred and reviewed. They’d also change the way decisions are appealed, and penalties applied.

I’d explain exactly how, but, that would involve a lot of words.

But I think you can ask yourselves: have changes to the Entertainment Commission ever improved things? Also ask yourselves: who hates Entertainment? The answer is easy: the Russians. They invaded Georgia, and now they’re coming after our nightclubs. You know in your heart I’m right.

But if you’re too afraid to speak the truth to Vladamir Putin, then, there’s still plenty of other government for you to get to the bottom of. Maxwell’s proposal to ban smoking in taxi cabs (JUST WHERE WE NEED IT MOST!) is up before the committee; Ross Mirkarimi and Aaron Peskin’s measure to require recyclable or compostable bags for newspapers is up again (take THAT Examiner!), and Bevan Dufty has a measure requiring “that massage practitioners obtain a certificate of graduation to a certificate of completion verifying at least 100 hours of massage instruction” (This can only advance the Gay Agenda).

All of which points, slowly but inevitably, to the truth: we are all guilty. All of us. To quote Quentin Crisp: “If everybody got what they deserved, we would all starve.”

Which means there's an almost infinite amount of blame to go around. Hopefully by next week we’ll all have that out of our system.

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