SF Gov InAction: An (Imaginary) Sex Scandal, "Conflict Resolution Day," and Soon You too will Become a Special Use District!

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By Benjamin Wachs

God what a dull week. The only thing that could make this week in government interesting is a sex scandal. Luckily Mayor Newsom is running for higher office, so, there's a pretty good chance.

To keep things interesting until that happens, I'm going to add a sexual undertone to each of this week's meetings.

Monday, Oct. 6

10 a.m. – Government Audit and Oversight Committee

If I had an intern, I would have them describe this meeting to you while I nursed a hangover and tried to remember why why why I got into journalism in the first place.

But I don't. So instead I'm just going to pour another single-malt and cry.

Hey, whose panties are these?

1 p.m. – Land Use & Economic Development Committee

It's the age of the internet (PORN) and so the Supervisors (PORN) are reviewing a measure that would regulate the permit process for acquiring (PORN) "Personal Wireless Service Facilities Site Permits" (PORN).

How personal? Oh baby, how personal do you want it?

Actually, "personal" is probably something of a misnomer: If you want to set up a wireless network in a public right-of-way, then this ordinance would spell out the city's "aesthetic" guidelines that you'd have to comply with. Like a good boy. Don't make mistress planning commission angry. (Yeah, for some reason I think of the planning commission as female. And Norwegian.)

Meanwhile Gerardo Sandoval is continuing his quixotic quest to turn his entire district into a series of interlocking Special Use Districts. Why? Because every district is special. I guess. This time the district refers to a single property, 4550 Mission Street, which will be given the grandiose title of the "Mission-Harrington Special Use District."

This "district" (remember, we're only talking about a single property here) would increase the building height limit to 56-feet, increase the density allowed to one-unit per 400 feet of the lot, and eliminate the parking requirement for commercial use.

Why? To add housing units, apparently – a total of 25 units, which is 8 more than you could get under current zoning.

Lost interest? Okay, let me see if I can perk things up: rape fantasies.

Tuesday, Oct 7, 2 p.m.. – Full Board of Supervisors

Lots of stuff that we've been following for a while is potentially coming up for a vote at this meeting:

* Establishing a Citywide Affordable Housing Preference for Certificate of Preference Holders (do you like that, baby?)

* Approving $6,325,000 in "clean renewable energy" bonds (if you beg, I'll do it more)

* A response to the Civil Grand Jury report on how San Francisco never listens to Civil Grand Juries (Yes! Yes! Now do it again, only without the pedometer!)

* A response to the Civil Grand Jury report on how San Francisco never actually holds itself accountable for anything (However good it feels, don't let go of this banana!)

* A moratorium on converting rental units into student housing (do you know you look like Hitler when you’re naked?)

* A bill that would allow the owners of historic movie houses to repair their marquees and projection signs (I mean that in a good way)

* New zoning controls on the North Beach Neighborhood commercial district (Hey, as long as you’re inside me, have I ever told you about Scientology?)

* A need-based local housing subsidy (Cigarette? They’re dolphin safe)

But perhaps most importantly, October 16 will be named "Conflict Resolution Day”! Hooray! And just in time for Yom Kippur!

Apparently “Conflict Resolution Day” is being declared “for the purpose of fostering awareness and use of conflict resolution tools within our schools and communities.”

Sweet. I love “fostering awareness.” It’s so much better than “raising awareness.” Which is so much cooler than “informing people” about stuff. And loads more effective than telling them shit.

So lets foster some awareness: Did you know that “San Francisco is an urban leader in fostering the teaching and use of conflict resolution in its schools, neighborhoods, public administrative agencies and court programs”? That must be why we all get along so well.

Wednesday, Oct 8, 1 p.m. – Land Use & Economic Development Committee

Basically what they’ve done is, they’ve pushed a whole bunch of Eastern Neighborhoods Plan stuff off to the side, and now are getting together at this meeting to hash that stuff out.

We’re talking about planning code changes, general plan amendments, zoning map issues, and the creation of an “Eastern Neighborhoods Monitoring Program,” “for purposes of reviewing the effectiveness of the Eastern Neighborhoods Area Plans and implementation of specified improvements.”

Ah, shit, I’ve lost you again. Anal beads! Anal beads!

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