Shalom, Gavin: Handy Hebrew for Hizzoner's Hitch in the Holy Land

By Joe Eskenazi

Barring another ship colliding with the Bay Bridge and triggering environmental Armageddon, Mayor Gavin Newsom is off next week for a 10-day "mission" to the place a disturbing number of Americans believe will host the real Armageddon (and soon!): Israel.

(Actually, don't kid yourself. He's outta here no matter what.).

On Newsom's agenda: Visits to Tel Aviv, San Francisco's sister city of Haifa and "a briefing from senior Israeli foreign ministry officials"

It's amusing to imagine a meeting of the minds between Gav and the Israelis:

— "Mayor, we need you to look handsome in the publicity photographs and avoid getting blown up."

— "I'll try not to disappoint you."

If Newsom wants to push for gay marriage in Jerusalem, well, good luck with that.

But, knowing our mayor a little, here's a few phrases he could stand to learn in Hebrew:

• Hello, I am America's sexiest mayor.

Shalom, ani ha'rosh ir hachi sexy b'artzot ha'brit.

•How much should I leave as a tip? For a taxi? For a massage? For ... something else?

Kama ani tzarich la'a'zov bishvil tip? Bishvil monit? Bishvil massage? Bishvil ... mashehu acher?

•Where can I buy hair gel?

Eifo ani yachol liknot mishchat-seh'ar?

•At home I am very popular.

Eifo she'ani gar, ani me'od pohpoolari.

•Nobody knows why.

Af echad yodeah lama.

CLICK "MORE" FOR MORE, INTUITIVELY ENOUGH...

•In San Francisco buses, suicide bombers are repelled by the stench of urine.

B'otoboosim b'San Francisco, ha'machbalim ha'mitabdim mavchilim b'tzachana shel sheten.

•Bless the urine!

Barech et ha'sheten!

•Is there anything here in Israel I can be dazzled with and insist on instituting in San Francisco — even though we were already doing it and I didn't know?

Ha'im yesh mashehu po b'yisrael she'yachol l'sinver oti v'she'ani yachol l'hitakesh she'yatchil b'San Francisco — af al pi she'kvar hayinu osim et zeh v'ani lo yadati?

Can I get a hat like yours?

Ani yachol liknot kovah k'mo shelcha?

***

Thanks to RAF for the translations.

Photo of Gavin Newsom | Courtesy of http://www.zombietime.com/