The first are mammoth zoning measures meant to completely transform an area through a thousand small changes. The second are bills like this, which is one of only two items appearing before this committee today:

Resolution approving the form of and authorizing the distribution of a preliminary official statement relating to the issuance of City and County of San Francisco General Obligation Refunding Bonds and authorizing the preparation, execution and delivery of a final official statement; acknowledging the receipt of certain information relating to such Refunding Bonds; ratifying the approvals and terms and conditions of a previous resolution; and related matters.

Because there’s no actual content here. It basically says “We’re authorizing a statement that we’re going to do stuff, maybe, which will cost money and have accounting. Also, we’ll be doing stuff.” What the hell is that?

It must be talking about something: the actual text of the bill and the accompanying documentation is 152 pages long.

According to some of that, this bill involves the city issuing $276 million in “refunding bonds” – a financial gambit where we take out new bonds to pay for previous bonds, because we can get a better deal on the bonds we’re taking out now.

Now, you see, when I say it like that, it all seems pretty straightforward. But … 158 pages of what I can only describe as language that is deliberately obtuse?

I don’t mean to give away trade secrets, but, not all the Supervisors are very bright. Can they really follow this?

1 p.m. – Land use & Economic Development Committee

And speaking of stupid things the Supervisors vote on, I’m thinking that every city committee should have a number assigned to it. A fraction. The numerator will be the number of problems, on average, that the committee solves each year, and the denominator will be the number of problems, on average, that the committee causes.

I’m pretty sure that, if we did this, the term “Land Use & Economic Development Committee” would become mathematical short hand for both “infinitely small number” and “the people who won’t let me remodel my garage.”

Case in point is Ross Mirkarimi’s bill to allow the restoration of movie theater projecting signs and marquees. As I explained last week, the problem this bill is trying to solve is entirely the result of a previous bill passed by this committee.

Another example is a hearing called today by Sophie Maxwell to examine the “Deemed Approved Off-Sale Alcohol Use Nuisance Regulation” … does it surprise anyone that the city’s efforts to control when and how people drink has resulted in illegal alcohol sales in areas zoned “no fun”?

Then there’s a measure extend the Planning and Health Code deadlines for medical cannabis dispensary permiting. We created the law legalizing pot clubs; we created the codes; and now we have to fix the codes regulating pot clubs.

Three items out of five on this committee’s agenda that are efforts to solve problems that this committee created. And I’m pretty suspicious about the other two.

I’m just saying: every committee needs a number

Tuesday, April 22, 2 p.m. – Full Board of Supervisors

I already mentioned gigantic omnibus zoning measures that nobody can possibly understand, didn’t I? Because the board will be voting on the ever changing “Market and Octavia Area Plan” today. This measure is 288 pages, incredibly dense, and if you want to figure out what it does … you’re on your own. I admit my ignorance. But, here’s my question: there’s 11 Supervisors, none of whom were elected because they spend all their time at the office. Do you really believe all 11 of them have read all 288 pages and understand what they’re voting on?

Really?

Even in the best of circumstances, I maintain that it’s impossible to predict what will happen when you start tinkering too much with the fundamental forces of zoning. As proof, I offer you this next item from today’s meeting, a proposal by Gerardo Sandoval “to include properties in the proposed Excelsior Alcohol Restricted Use District in the Fringe Financial Service Restricted Use District.”

My God! The zoning districts are collapsing into each other! You fools, you poor mad fools! I warned you – I warned you that there was some zoning man was not meant to tamper with! If we don’t stop these new super-zones from entering into the Deemed Approved Off-Sale Use Nuisance Regulation program, the entire city could be zoned hostile to all life!

That’s only a slight exaggeration.

Meanwhile Ross Mirkarimi pursues his solitary quest to give the city the power to impose real penalties on people who violate city regulations. I used to be for this … I mean, if you’re going to have regulations you ought to be able to enforce them, right? … but the way things are going in San Francisco, I’m starting to think of building without a permit or displaying non-conforming signs as a kind of civil disobedience.

Martin Luther King marched without a permit, after all: isn’t including an excessive number of parking spaces in a new mixed-use development the same thing? Kind of? A little? Maybe?

Finally, the Supes want to spend a little time fucking with our calendars. If they have their way:

• April 18 will be “Adventures in Music Day”
• April 24 will be “Armenian Genocide Commemoration Day”
• May 1 will be “International Workers Day”
• May 3 will be “Neighborhood Arts Day”
• May 4 will be “People Paddle for AIDS Day.”

Whatever you do, DON’T celebrate Adventures in Music on Armenian Genocide Commemoration Day – people are completely humorless about this kind of thing. And be careful not to Paddle for AIDS on International Workers Day. It leads to nothing but trouble … and then the Supes will have to try to solve it.