How to Analyze Your Own Sperm Count and Make Her Feel Like She's Sleeping With Bill Nye the Science Guy- By Laser-Guided Awesome, The SF Weekly Utility Blog
I remember my adorable three-year old cousin telling me that he came from his "mommy's tummy." I had to ask him, "How did you get in there?" The innocent child just looked at me and said, "God put me there." I couldn't help but put the kid on the spot, "God had sex with your mommy?"
Yes, I'm going to make a great father one day. The time is not right for me, but I owe it to the world to eventually spread my fantastic seed in the future. However, I hear that some people out there are having a hard time knocking up their loved one. If the ol' penis in the vagina trick ain't doing it for you, it might be time to start pointing fingers and blaming each other. It's also time to check if your baby batter is missing a few ingredients. — James Y Lee
You'll think twice before shaking the hand of Stan Grossman, the Lab Supervisor for the Arizona Andrology Laboratory and CryoBank. He is one of the few manual sperm analyzers in the country and doesn’t resort to using fancy computers. He gives some pointers on how to count your tadpoles and see if you're shooting blanks.
What You’ll Need
Microscope
Cell counting slides with fixed cover slips
Tally Clicker
Dirty Magazine
1. Take out Dirty Magazine and read fascinating articles.
2. Make sweet love to yourself.
3. Try to get your spillage onto the slide.
4. Use the fixed cover slips. That way you don’t have to burden yourself with diluting your troops.
5. Calibrate your scope.
6. Use a tally counter for which ones are moving (50% motile is good). Using your 10 x10 grid just count all your spermies in the grid and put it in the conversation factor and multiply by 0.8 or whatever for the specific microscope.
7. Go wash your hands. Seriously.
If you're under 20 million per milliliter, you’re a quart low and need to make an appointment with your urologist for your dip stick. Before you start feeling like less of a man, remember that sperm is produced on a 74-day cycle, and you should take into account a few factors. For example, try to think back if you recently went through a marathon six-hour hot tubbing session and fight through the trauma to remember if you had a vasectomy reversal.
Check out Kokopelli Technologies for additional info and to order yourself a microscope. And if the jerking off part is all you're willing to do and the rest is a bit "too hands-on," there's always home fertility tests to do a role count on your soldiers.
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