Do Those Bastards Owe You Some Money? Actually, They Probably Do. See How to Get Your Pound of Flesh Right Here.

You want your piece of a $336 million bonanza? Then read this story and follow the links.

By Joe Eskenazi

I’ve got two simple questions for you: Do you own a Visa, MasterCard ,or Diners Club credit, debit or ATM card? And did you spend at least a week overseas between February of 1996 and November of 2006?

If you’re a San Franciscan and you’re reading this on a computer that isn’t held together with chewing gum and duct tape, the answers are probably overwhelmingly yes and yes.

Well, somebody owes you money. And I’m going to help you get it.

You may have already received...

an ominously oversized envelope from the U.S. District Court Settlement Administrator. You may have already hurled it into the recycling bin mistaking it for one of your 37 daily mailings from Capital One or more detritus from the good people at Cottage Living Magazine who won’t stop sending me their damn periodical!

No matter. Even if nothing came in the mail, you can still take your case online and claim a portion of a $336 million settlement hammered out with the credit card companies. And if you answered yes to both the above questions, you’re due at least $25 (and you can make your claim with about two minutes’ work here).

To answer the looming question “What the hell is all this about?” The settlement is the by-product of a nationwide class-action lawsuit regarding the transaction fees charged by Visa, MasterCard, and Diners Club. While the card companies continue to disagree with the allegation that they’ve been violating federal and state antitrust laws and disclosure laws, they’re still willing to pony up $336M and let bygones be bygones.

Fair enough. If you had that kind of money, you’d deny wrongdoing too.

So, if you spent a mere six days in a foreign country or charged less than $2,500, you can simply take the standard $25 payoff. If you’ve spent a little more time abroad, then it gets a bit more complicated.

After estimating how many days in the decade-long time period in question you spent offshore, estimate how often you used a credit ca,rd while “traveling on business,” “visiting friends or relatives,” “vacation or leisure” or “other.” Then -- employing some sort of algorithm based upon average spending patterns gleaned from the U.S. Department of Commerce annual Survey of International Air Travelers – a fitting settlement is calculated.

Hopefully those polled bought a lot of those oversized cartons of cigarettes and half-gallon Crown Royal bottles in the duty-free stores – and were honest about it. At the very worst, you’ll get the standard $25 (and keep in mind, it still takes more time to buy a pack of Certs at Longs than it does to fill out this application). And don't dawdle, either: The deadline to claim what's yours is in May.

Yet before you hatch champagne wishes and caviar dreams with your $25 bounty-to-be, be wary of this foreboding nugget from the settlement Web site:

Refunds will be paid after the Court finally approves the settlement, and approves any award of attorneys’ fees, awards to the class representatives, and allocation of the settlement fund among Settlement Damages Class members, and any appeals related to that approval are resolved. It is possible that this could take several months, or, if appeals are filed, several years. You may want to check this website from time to time for updates.

I have a feeling, since we’re dealing with $336 million,that those appeals are pretty likely to be filed; companies don’t build up the capital to give away $336 million by giving away $336 million.

So be sure to visit www.ccfsettlement.com for updates – and we’ll keep you updated, too.