San Francisco Zoo Tiger Attacks, Kills Slow News Day -- 12.26

Categories: Environment

At approximately 5 p.m. on Christmas Day, a tiger at the San Francisco Zoo somehow got loose and attacked the 12.26 slow news day. The 100-year-old Day was busy reporting on after-Christmas sales and New Year's resolution fluff pieces during his annual rounds of doing nothing at the zoo, when the escaped tiger mauled, then killed Mr. Slow News Day.

Death of Day spread immediately, and editors rejoiced as calls were placed to reporters and pundits whose job it would be to weigh in on the attack and what it means TO AMERICA and the ongoing war of MAN vs. ANIMALS.

File photos of tigers were pulled. A schematic of the zoo with an arrow pointing to where the tigers USUALLY ARE was created. A list of maulings was drawn up by the AP. And the Chronicle strategized a battle plan for the next few days of tiger mauling stories including:

"What's Wrong with the SF Zoo?"

"Tatiana's Family: She Was Misunderstood"


"Global Warming a Possible Enabler of Tiger Attacks"

As of 9:32 a.m. today, NPR, the BBC, Al Jazeera, and 1,400 other news organizations had dispatched camera crews to the site of the Slow News Day's death, hoping for entrails that could hold them over until the hubbub had died down and they could go back to phoning it in till January 2.

Calls to the Beginning of Kwanzaa were not returned, but Kwanzaa did issue the following statement:

"While we regret to hear of the untimely death of the slow news day and its attendant focus on me, we are not surprised to see the mainstream media indulging in this type of sensationalist drivel a la the tsunami of a few years back. A nation gets the media it deserves, and it gets it good and hard. Good night and good luck, you doomed fuckers."

(Photo courtesy of the Daily Mail)

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