Constructive criticism from a man who knows more about beer than anyone should
By Joe Eskenazi
Loyal Snitch readers may recall our July 3 scientific experiment regarding a life-altering news story claiming the world’s best pancakes can’t be made without Olympia Beer.
Writer Steve Dulas claimed that only Olympia would do, so I put his recipe to the test, creating one batch of hotcakes with the pride of Thurston County, Washington and another with similarly urine-hued and Northwestern Henry Weinhard's Blue Boar Ale.
The verdict: 24 ounces of beer produces enough pancakes to last for days – so it was a good thing that the sudsy flapjacks are divine, especially the Olympia creations. I chalked it up as a Rudy-like victory for bland, mass-produced American lagers and soon became known as “that Olympia guy” at the local liquor store.
But this story wasn’t over. Because it turns out that my work caught the eye of Jay Brooks, a Marin County beer writer who formerly served as general manager of the Celebrator Beer News and, prior to that, worked as a beer buyer for Beverages & More! Let’s put it this way: The man named his son Porter and you can see a snapshot of him and his lovely wife celebrating their nuptials in a brewery right here.
While I was proud of my single-blind experiment involving different varietals of watery Northwestern brews one might find lurking on the very bottom of a party cooler at 3 a.m., Brooks shot holes in my methodology. Olympia is a “lager.” Weinhard’s is an “ale.” And, to him, that semantic variation created outcomes as dissimilar as mustard and mustard gas.
Brooks was similarly low-key about my ruminations regarding what other beers might taste like once melded with pancake batter. In his opinion, Pyramid Apricot Ale wasn’t strong enough to induce a fruitiness in the end product and Bass Peach Ale, he astutely pointed out, does not exist (a mea culpa: I misread the label).
He was also a bit mystified about my notion that Arthur Guinness would rise from the grave to prevent the use of Guinness Extra Stout in a flapjack recipe, noting Guinness has often been used as an ingredient in many kitchens (if they were Irish or English kitchens that’s not much of an argument, but I digress).
So, spurred by the criticism of a beer genius, I opted to venture once more into the breach, once more and create a round of Guinness Draught pancakes.
While proper scientific methods would have called for duplicating the exact conditions I used for my Olympia and Weinhard's batches, unfortunately The Dismal Science – economics – won the day. Oat bran pancake mix was on sale. So I bought that instead.
As with its eerily neon-colored counterparts, upon hitting the pancake mix the rich, opaque Irish stout emanated the nostalgia-inducing odor of lipstick-stained red plastic cups with half-spent cigarettes swirling in their bilge. It was a whiff of the halcyon days of fleeting youth, Sunday morning after an epic smackup and no worries more pressing than finishing a 12-page paper for History 166B and identifying the man sleeping in the bathtub.
Anyhow, the pancakes were OK.
Unless the skeletal corpse of Arthur Guinness is still waiting for a standby ticket on Aer Lingus, no spectral visitors interrupted my breakfast experiment. But, both economically and emotionally, emptying a can of Guinness to create mediocre pancakes isn’t a rational act when you can crack a can of Olympia (or some other crap American lager) and make great ones.
For while, as a beer, Olympia may be third-rate, it makes a first-rate second course.
Photo | Mike Lucia
Joe, a beautiful piece, this one. Of course any article that refers to me as a "beer genius" must be a terrific one. ;-) I tried some with Duvel, as suggested to me by a friend and colleague, and they were devilishly good.
Which Guinness did you use? There at least four distinct versions of Guinness sold in the U.S. (The Guinness in the widget can, widget bottle, regular bottle and keg are each separate recipes, not just the same beer in different packages. Worldwide, there are believed to be as many as eleven different Guinness recipes. I figured you were up for some more useless beer trivia.)
Cheers,
J
Posted at: October 4, 2007 3:55 PM