BART’s ‘SCREEECH’ Problem: Dustin Diamond Must Be Stopped
Finally the world will know how a former child actor has devastated a public transportation agency — and my life.
By Joe Eskenazi
In a daring attempt at simultaneous truth-telling and onomatopoeia, an Examiner headline last week blared “BART Goal: Stop SCREEECH!”
For so many years, I bellowed just that message to the heavens — which gets you thrown out of BART board meetings, by the way. But now my countless letters, e-mails and instances of grabbing BART officials by the lapels and shaking them have finally wrested the Wachovia ads off the front of the Examiner.
In short, Dustin Diamond (who portrayed “Screech” in “Saved By the Bell”— and little else) has been responsible for a series of BART delays, breakdowns and, naturally, noise complaints.
I first noticed Diamond haunting a BART train in 1998...
when I looked out the window while speeding between 12th Street and MacArthur and there he was. I shouted “There’s a man on the wing of this train!”
Of course, trains don’t have wings and everyone figured I’d just washed down my meds with a bucket of Maker’s Mark. And that wasn’t such a terrible assumption. But Diamond was there on the wing. How did he do it? He’s just very clever (he did put out his own chess video, after all).
Over the next nine years, I noticed Diamond on the train more and more. It seems he’s attracted to the scent of beer and liquor, because he always seemed to waylay me whenever I was coming back from a heavy night out on the town. I have photo albums full of blurry, indecipherable snapshots of him pouring vials of urine-colored liquid on BART’s plush chairs, scrawling filthy messages about Mario Lopez over CCSF posters, repeatedly interfering with the closing doors to the point where drivers have emptied the trains and, of course, emitting a high-pitched whine similar to the noises I’ve heard Bigfoot make.
There are other things I’ve seen, too. Horrible, emotionally scarring things. In fact, BART spokesman Linton Johnson confirmed to me that he broke up a Screech-led sex party thanks to his e-sleuthing. It’s a shame Johnson didn’t act sooner. Truly, there are some things one can never un-see.
But with this Examiner article, I have hope. An informed public is an empowered public. And while out-of-work actors are a protected species in Southern California, a vigilant NorCal citizen could capture Diamond and turn him over to the BART police.
You hear that Diamond? We’re on to you. All I have to do now is pour a few beers on my shirt, hop the turnstile and wait. You can screech, Diamond. But you can’t hide.
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